I understand that I am not the center of the universe. But my children seem to think I am. And yet, they are trying to bring me down. We have psychological warfare going on in our house and I am losing. With one kid, I had a fighting chance, but with two, I don't have a prayer. No, my children are good at what they do - Shock and Awe.
Remember Shock and Awe? Where the US attacked and attacked until our enemy gave up? Well, this is the technique my children are using against me. But instead of missiles, it's a verbal war. From what I can tell, it works like this:
1. One child starts to tell me something. Finishing the thought is not a necessary step.
2. The other child starts to tell me something or demand my attention verbally by shouting "MOM!" Again, finishing the thought is not necessary.
3. Repeat until infinity.
The beauty of the verbal Shock and Awe assault is that it has no stopping point - at least not until bedtime. The important key to this type of attack is high frequency. Each child MUST speak within 7 seconds from the other - when the attack is going well, they could speak at the same time, yet expect me to know what the heck they are talking about.
Now the fun thing about this with a 7 year old and a 2 year old is that their strategies are different. Each begins with the customary "MOM!" - it is important to speak this with urgency, whether it is about the toilet overflowing or if you want to tell me that you like the color red. This makes sure that your victim can never let down their guard - they never know if they need to run for the plunger or simply concur that yes, red is an excellent color.
With the 7 year old, I find that not only do I 1)have to know EVERYTHING but I also 2) need to be able to remember every moment of his life in detail and 3) be able to know what he is talking about when the sentence only has a vague noun and verb. Max likes to do his talking either across the house or right under my shoulder.
The 2 year old presents some of the same strategies as the 7 year old in terms of frequency and urgency, but instead of deciphering the message, I am interpreting 2 year old language. To do this you must think of everything in the house and piece the sound of the word with the object. Life gets way more fun when the 2 year old adds verbs to his vocabulary. Rocco is always at my feet with his demands, unless he is running away from getting a time out.
What does Shock and Awe look like in my house? Here is an example:
Max: "MOM! Guess what happened in school today?"
Rocco: "MOM!"
Me: "What Max? Yes Rocco?"
Max: "MOM! So Mrs. W was reading that book about the boy - you know, the one you haven't read."
Me: "Honey, what book is that?"
Rocco: "MOM!"
Me: "What honey?"
Max: "You know, the one about the boy? Anyway, we had two choices for lunch today. Ham sandwich or salad."
Rocco: "MOM! I see Dukey!"
Me: "Rocco, don't hit the cat. Max, what did you have?"
Max: "What?"
Me: "Max, you just said you had two choices for lunch. What did you have?"
Rocco: "MOM! Dukey!"
Rocco: "MOM! UP!"
Max: "MOM! What are you talking about?"
Rocco: "MOM! UP!"
Me: "Rocco, hold on. Max! You just were talking about lunch."
Max:"Oh, I don't remember. Mom, you know that thing I told you about?"
Me: "What thing?"
Rocco: "UP!!! NOW!!!"
Max: "You know, the thing."
Me: "The book?"
Rocco: "MOM! I poopy!"
Max: "MOM! No, the other thing. I told you in the car going to CCD."
Me: "Rocco, let's change your diaper. Max, CCD was last week. You are going to have to give me a hint about what thing you are talking about."
Max: "Nevermind."
This NEVER ends, until it's bedtime. I actually think they just like to hear themselves talk sometimes. You might be thinking to yourself, "She is exaggerating. Peter is around. Surely the kids don't follow her around the house talking to her non-stop for hours." But they do! Peter could be in the same room as I am and the conversation never includes him. He changes rooms and the kids just keep on going.
Usually after about 30 minutes, I get that crazed look in my face. And Peter will say "Do you need a break from the kids?" Honestly, I don't. I miss the little yahoos whenever I'm not near them. But I do need a break from the non-stop conversation in my house, directed at me. If I could just get a little quiet or have a conversation at a normal pace, I would be fine. But the kids have perfected their game, understanding that the rapid succession of questions and statements means I don't have time to actually form a response to their question in my head, much less spit it out. I think they know that the more they work on this now when they are young, the greater the chances are I'll mess up when they are older and it really matters. I can see myself agreeing to a co-ed party or a new car when I was just trying to sort my way through one of these conversations. Of course, this is assuming they still talk to me when they are pre-teens and teenagers.
Please don't get me wrong. There is nothing more I love than to talk to my kids. But one at a time and please wait your turn.
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