Monday, December 14, 2015

A Nut-Free Squirrel or Don't Feed the Gremlin

No eggs, no nuts, no peanuts, no lentils, no chickpeas, no soy protein. It is our mantra. Our Squirrel* was born with food allergies, which makes each meal an adventure. Every time we eat, we hope that his food is safe. Restaurants are no longer relaxing but instead a source of stress until I’ve watched him eat and then I wait. If ten minutes elapse without any excitement, I switch from being worried about food to worrying about people overhearing my children having an inappropriate conversation about plugging a toilet at the library (true story.)

What a stressful way to live. Sure, I guess. From what I read on blogs and discussion boards, there are people who avoid life because of food allergies. And that was certainly my knee jerk reaction too. “We’ll never be able to travel! To eat out! To visit friends and family!” We lived like that for a little while too. Life is definitely easier and safer at home. But what fun would that be? After the initial shock of learning about the severity of his allergies, we decided that we weren’t going to let it limit us. We’d just adjust. We pack snacks and meals if needed. We call ahead to restaurants and birthday parties. I research cities we are staying in for friendly restaurants. We wipe down plane seats. We watch the playground for kids eating picnic lunches of peanut butter sandwiches. We have a supply of cupcakes in the freezer for birthday parties. We travel everywhere with epipens and benadryl. I refuse to let some fucked up blood fuck up our lives. Is it scary? Yes. But life, if lived well, is scary.

Did you know that food allergies are considered a disability? Yet, I read articles about people making fun of kids and people with peanut allergies. We don’t make fun of other disabilities or people with cancer so why food allergies? This was how he was born; trust me, I wish it was different. “Why should we not eat a peanut butter sandwich just because it could ‘kill’ your kid. It’s called survival of the fittest!” Hey, I love peanut butter too! I eat nuts and eggs whenever I’m not around my Squirrel. However, not to get dramatic, but yes, a peanut butter sandwich would probably kill him; it has killed others. To say that your right to knowingly** expose my kid to peanut butter so you could eat a sandwich, well, that makes you a jackass in my eyes. Maybe you’ve never watched your child dying because their body was strangling them. I sure hope you haven’t. Car accidents, sky diving and emergency surgeries don’t touch the fear you feel when you see your son’s eyes roll back in his head as he turns gray, and loses consciousness as his body shuts down because of a bowl of cereal with the wrong milk. Milk. People, it’s supposed to do a body good…unless it is poison to your body. Then it will shut it down faster than a sober coed shuts down an obnoxious drunk frat boy. To hear someone callously laugh about how a peanut could kill someone and that’s just nature taking care of the weak makes me sad and also want to punch them in the face. Hard.

Food allergies don’t mean we are picky. It means that we have to take all food into consideration and God help us (literally) if we screw it up. If we screw up just a little, it looks like the Exorcist. If we screw up big time, then it is an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. And that is why it brings tears to my eyes when other people watch out for my Squirrel. There are so many of you out there! I am overwhelmed by good people! Maybe you are the mom who told him to watch out because someone was eating a peanut butter sandwich at a basketball game. You might be the group of parents at the party that want to make sure you bring the right food so he’s safe. You might be the parent who emailed me the day of the birthday party, when I am sure you are running around trying to get ready, to see what candy he can have in the piñata and then you go out and put together a special bag just for him. Perhaps you are his teacher, who called me at 6:45 a.m. to double check with me if the school lunch would be okay for him. Maybe you are my family who learned how to bake without eggs so we can have safe meals every time we are at your house, including Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. Whenever I experience these moments, I am emotionally brought to my knees because you cared about someone I love with all my heart. It might just seem like you are being a human being, but to me, your concern is worth more than gold. It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a city to raise one with food allergies.

Because of people like those I’ve described above, I can drop my son off at school, birthday parties and playdates. Thank you all for inviting the scary food allergy kid! I just tell parents to think of him like a Gremlin. Don’t feed him or water him and he stays nice and cuddly. And if you do feed him, please use the cupcake I brought along. I can deal with a kid jacked up on sugar, as long as it doesn’t have a side of nuts or eggs.

*Yes, I know it is ironic that I call him Squirrel but he can’t have nuts.


**I said knowingly because you do actually have a right to eat what you want. You don’t have to apologize for eating a peanut butter sandwich! I’m talking about the dicks that would go out of their way to expose my kid to an allergen. They are assholes. You, eating a peanut butter sandwich at a picnic, you are fine. You don’t know that my kid has allergies. How could you? And even if you know we are going to be there and you take precautions like washing your hands and giving us a heads up, great! You are totally fine. Basically, if you are worried about it, then you are not an asshole. 

Monday, December 7, 2015

Effing Phone or Living a Ben and Jerry's Life

Facebook, email, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. So many ways to connect with people in our attempt to distance ourselves. Are you sick of reading about how we should be “hands free”? How our kids are drying up without our attention because we are glued to a screen? That we feel our self-worth based on the number of likes we get on Facebook? That someone is a social media celebrity as opposed to just being a celebrity? What the hell does that mean anyway? I’m sick of reading about it too but I think it’s because I’m guilty of it rather than being bored from another cliché article about screen time. So here’s one more!

Hello. My name is Jenny and I’m addicted to my phone. I’m not alone – in fact, you might be reading this while your family is running around you in the kitchen. Maybe you are killing time waiting for practice to get over. Maybe you don’t want to actually talk to anyone right now so you peek in to see how your 246 Facebook friends are doing. Maybe you just need to escape.

I’m not judging. I get it. I so so get it. There are moments that I need to be alone and if I’m in a crowd, looking busy on my phone will do the trick. Maybe I’m messing around on my phone because I’m bored and hate waiting. Sometimes I’m feeling lonely and this makes me feel connected. Whatever the reason, at the end of the day it numbs and feeling numb can feel way better than feeling isolated, ignored, overwhelmed and anxious.

This phone addiction is not something I’m proud of. I hate it when I realize I want to grab it when I’m chilling out with my family and honestly, I’m doing my best to curb it. But it’s not easy. And that pisses me off. How did I get attached to some stupid device? Why do we feel a need to overshare? And why can’t I remember that everything looks better through social media tinted glasses?

I was talking to my sixth grader about social media. He says everyone is on Instagram in sixth grade and I asked him if he wanted an account. He said no. He doesn’t like it when everyone only stares at their phones.

The first thing I thought was “Goddamned motherfucking phone! I have got to quit this shit!” (Yes, this is how I think. I’m not proud of the swearing either but you have to pick your battles.) I think I finally found my motivation. I would do anything for my kids* and here is my baby saying he doesn’t like it when everyone is always on their phone.

Oh the shame. He wasn’t referencing me but he might as well have been. And I’m so happy that he hasn’t started being on his phone 24/7 yet. There’s still time! I’ve got to act now before he starts to think that it’s normal to look down instead of looking people in the eye. My first step is to stop reaching for that fucking phone all the time. Start small and keep it in a different room when the kids are up. Maybe progress to ignoring it when everyone has gone to bed. What will I do with my time?! I could cure cancer, create world peace or just go to bed so I could actually try to get 7 elusive hours of sleep.

It’s not often when our kids catch us in bad behavior but thank goodness it happens occasionally. Because nothing motivates me more than the Moose and Squirrel. If this bothers them, then that’s all I need to help stop the madness. I might need a support group in a church basement to get me there, but I’m going to do my best to log off more than I do now. Just like ice cream, everything is good in moderation. I’ll take a full-fat life over a fat-free online presence any day.


*However I refuse to ever wear those team color overalls. That’s a hard no and a second tier golden rule in my house. No team color overalls. Period. I also won’t purchase them for anyone and I told the boys if I saw them wear them in public, I would literally cut them off their bodies right then in there. Hopefully they are wearing something underneath.