My Deeper Why for KonMari or It's Time to Take the Trash Out

Like everyone else, I have jumped on the Konmari Train. I started watching Tidying Up on Netflix and watched the skies open and heard angels singing. I love decluttering – it is one of my favorite things to do! There is nothing more satisfying than bags full of clothes for Goodwill and garbage for trash day. I will literally walk by a decluttered room and gaze at it like a loved one and just stare at its beauty. I wish I were joking, but I find decluttering so satisfying – maybe too satisfying…now you know my secret shame.

To have a roadmap of how to tidy up my life sounded amazing! Because I don’t have unlimited time, I started small. According to Marie Kondo, there is a specific process. While I know you are supposed to start with clothes, I started with accessories and email (odd as it sounds, my inbox gets super cluttered.) Then this month I tackled clothes. I didn’t throw them all on my bed at once but I did do them in categories. And while I didn’t thank each piece of clothing or really figure out if they “sparked joy” I still got rid of bags and bags of clothes. It felt amazing!

I eagerly started to plan my next decluttering attack. You are supposed to do clothing, books, paper, komono (which means everything) and then sentimental items, in that order. My clothes were done but sorting through my books doesn’t sound like much fun right now. What if I start tackling the stuff in my bathroom? Or all those CDs downstairs? It is a little messed up how exciting the idea of tidying up my life sounds.

Since I was on a roll with the whole decluttering thing, I checked out this book called “Digital Minimalism” by Cal Newport. One aspect I don’t love about myself is how wrapped up in my phone I have gotten. I use it for everything – probably like you do. It is my mini-computer, my to-do list, my Rolodex, my soundtrack, my lifeline. And because I have a teenager and want to connect with him where he is at, I joined Snapchat and Instagram recently too – more social media! And I feel like maybe this idea of digital minimalism is just what I need too.

I’m going to be honest, because what’s the point of blogging if I’m not going to be honest. I might have skipped through large sections of this book. I didn’t really need the research to tell me why reducing my digital usage was a good thing. I know it is. I was more interested in the how – how do I break these bad habits I’ve created? It sounds like you need a 30 day fast from all digital sources. Cue screeching brakes. Um, I’m a mom of two active kids. I need to be online. Thankfully it talks about keeping what’s necessary to keep your life running while cutting out the clutter. Ok, I’m back on board!

Then I get to this section in the book that talks about how we mask our discomfort with our phones. We connect online so we can keep up the façade of a happy amazing life. We have lost knowing who we are. We don’t even know what we like to do anymore because we just go to our phones when we are bored. Gut punch. And I realize why I’ve been gravitating to cutting out all of the clutter in my life – the physical and the digital.

Going through a divorce has sucked. And what really stinks about it is when you take this person away that has been a part of your life for 25 years, you are left feeling less than whole. In moments of quiet, I really wonder who I am now. What are my own thoughts and opinions when I’m not worried about someone’s reaction to my comments? What do I like to do when I get to make my own choices? I have this overwhelming sense to get rid of all the excess around me so I can strip down to just me – who am I underneath all of this baggage I’ve been carrying around. When I look around, what is important to me? What do I like to do? I struggle to identify myself as anything other than a mom – the Moose and Squirrel are my world and I am always looking for ways to make their lives better. But what about for me? I have this sense that once I get rid of all the extra, I’m going to figure it out.

What I have found myself doing instead of being quiet has been to soothe that discomfort of the unknown by numbing out with social media, endless to-do lists, and general running from my thoughts. The idea of konmari and a digital detox were subconsciously intriguing because I am in a place where I am trying to rediscover who I am and maybe if I get quiet and throw away the excess, I might find an answer.

I’ve been asked when will I start dating again. This makes me laugh because I’m not even divorced yet. Turns out that is a lengthy process, as anything important should be. But when the ink is dry, I think I’m going to take a year to detox/minimalize/tidy up. I need to just sit with myself to meet me again. In the meantime, I’m going to go through the books, papers, lotions, CDs and yes, eventually go quiet on social media for a month. Because I think once I’ve stripped away all the extra stuff I’ve been carrying, I’m going to be reintroduced to someone amazing. I want to learn about her thoughts and dreams. I want to know what she likes to do and what she thinks about when it is quiet. And I want her to have a nice, new, decluttered open space to live her life again. She deserves it.

I Love a Good Origin Story or Super Heroes Are All Around Us

As a boy mom, I watch more super hero movies than I would if I were holding the remote. I exasperate the kids by forgetting who is Marvel and who is DC, who are the villains and who are the good guys and forget keeping up with the timelines. But the one thing that I can respect with all of these super heroes is how they got there in the first place. They all have an origin story.

Every super hero experienced some major life event that made them super. They lost their parents, they were modified with claws by evil scientists, they had to put a battery in their chest to live, their father was an evil super villain and they escaped, they were bit by a spider. You know, run-of-the-mill, everyday adversity. But what made them super is that they overcame life’s challenges and it strengthened them physically and mentally. It changed who they are.

There is a lot of talk now about growth mindset and grit. How we handle adversity plays a major role in the people that we become. If we are lucky we do not stop evolving when we become 18. That’s just the beginning. That’s the dough before it’s baked. Life adds the spice. Some of those spices are sweet and some of them are spicy. But the recipe isn’t done. If you are fortunate, you have a growth mindset and take those crappy life moments and become stronger and more resilient. You build compassion, empathy and perseverance. You build grit, which has been shown to correlate with success. You become one of those cliché memes that I love about falling down but getting back up.  You become you. You become a super hero.

When I look around at my tribe, I see super heroes everywhere. The people in my tribe have origin stories and that’s what has made them into the supers that they are today. We are walking around with super heroes and don’t even know it. I can look at everyone in my tribe and see strength and grit and know that they have evolved because they have an origin story. They have experienced things in their lives that were turning points. They could have used those experiences to shape them into victims of their circumstances. But they didn’t. They emerged and became stronger. They became amazing people. People that I can turn to when I have issues and know that their advice and compassion comes from a place of knowledge and experience. They chose to move forward when life pulled them down. They grew into the beautiful people that they are today, scars and all. They inspire me.

Now do I want people to experience horrible things? No, of course not. But it is when we are down that we have the opportunity to grow and become better people. When we are cut, we develop scars. I used to think my scars were ugly. When I woke up with 33 staples in my stomach after the Squirrel was born, I couldn’t look at myself. I was Frankenstein. It was disgusting. I was ruined. But as time passed, I grew to love that scar. That scar was a battle wound. That scar made the Squirrel possible. That scar is life. And that’s what I realized. You don’t create scars if you stop living and breathing. Scars only form when you keep moving on. Scars are grit. Scars are witness that we lived. We bear scars that we can see and we bear scars that are in our hearts and souls. You need to heal that wound, you need to let the scar form so you can move forward with more strength than you had before. Scars are beauty. Scars say “I have done hard things and I am a survivor.”

As for my Moose and Squirrel, it is impossible to not want to protect them from the difficulties of the world. I’m their mom, the Mama Bear in our forest tribe. But I know that the people they will become will be because of their experiences more than the protection I can provide. What I can do is help them reframe and find the moments of growth when life is hard. I can teach them that sometimes you have to work harder to keep up with everyone else to get what you want. I can teach them about trust and love and forgiveness when they learn that people are fallible. I can teach them to get up the next morning and look at what they can do rather than look at what has happened to them. I can give grace for the pity party when life sucks but also remind them that no one wants someone to overstay their welcome – we are not people who shut down the pity party – we leave before the night is over to go on to the next adventure. We learn something when life knocks us down instead of dwelling on what’s happened. We form scars. We use the word “yet” when we are challenged – it’s not “we can’t do it,” it’s “we can’t do it YET.” I am teaching them that they can’t become super heroes without origin stories. And that’s what I’m doing – building super heroes. I’ll leave it to them to figure out who is DC and who is Marvel. That stuff still confuses me.