A Decade Review or Just a Couple of Chapters in the Book of Life

What an amazing decade we just finished up! I mean, what a roller coaster. I was happy, then sad, then depressed, then happy again, then heart broken, then angry, then resolved and now I’m back to happy. I ran, I laid around, I crutched, I learned how to walk again. I loved, I fought for love, I lost love, I gave up on love, I REALLY gave up on love, and then I found love (plot twist!). I went from being a DICK to being SICK but feel richer than ever. I found new friends and lost old friends, I lost family and found family, I had a husband and lost a husband but I gained a dog, several cats, several hermit crabs and even a few frogs (may they rest in peace.) I’ve lived in two houses and worked at two jobs. I sat at soccer fields, basketball courts, track fields, football fields, swimming pools, music concerts, tae kwon do studios, doctors' offices and lawyers' offices. I loved deeply and lost deeply. I felt alone and I felt surrounded by support. I cried hard and laughed hard. I felt proud, humbled, humiliated, joyful, hopeless, blessed, stupid, smart, thankful and loved. If you had told me at the beginning of 2010 what was going to happen over the next 10 years, I never would have believed you. Yet here we are.

At first blush this decade may seem like a shit show. I had major surgery, major depression, a major divorce. But I wouldn’t give any of that up for a second. That is where all of the good stuff came from. No story is interesting without the drama, no growth can come from living the status quo. Without the tragedy, I would have no comedy and where’s the fun in that?

This decade I learned what I was made of. I lost my mojo and found it again. I consciously made boundaries and discovered what my true values are. I found my tribe, I found family, I found God. I found out how to be a better mom and a better friend. There is not one moment I would take back from this decade. Every step made me the person I am today and I really love that person. I don’t apologize for who I am anymore but I also try to step with more kindness, compassion, patience, tolerance and grace than before. While I wouldn’t mind a less action-packed decade, I know every good story needs a plot. These last couple of chapters had twist and turns that even I couldn’t predict. But they were just chapters in my story and my story is long. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Love Epiphany or Ready to Win Again

Today I had an epiphany. A love epiphany. You see, as much as I believe in love, I believe in love for my family and friends. Not romantic love for me. Not ever again. Because that did not work out so well for me before. In fact, when asked if I would ever get married again, my quick response was “Fuck. No.” I have been known to compare marriage to food poisoning. Sure the meal tasted great going down but you are going to be puking your guts out for 7 hours and wish for death. So, no, no marriage, no love for me.

Then I had two conversations with my Squirrel this weekend that all of a sudden completely changed my mind. The first conversation was when the Squirrel (who adamantly does not want me to remarry which I have reassured him wouldn’t be an issue) stated matter of factly, “Well if you get married, you’ll just get divorced.” Huh? That’s actually not how marriage is supposed to work. You are supposed to get married and NOT get divorced. Does he think that marriage equals divorce? That’s not good at all. In fact, it’s kind of disturbing. What have I modeled for him? That love is temporary and marriage is short-term?

Next, the Squirrel was going to test for his yellow belt in taekwondo. He was so nervous. I looked at him and asked, “What’s the worst thing that happens if you don’t pass? Nothing. You just try again next time.” I walked upstairs to finish getting ready and paused. Now I have some beliefs that guide my actions and motivate me. First, nothing worth doing is easy. Second, if you fail, you just get back up and try again the next day. You get 24 hours for a pity party and then you find another way to reach your goal. You don’t quit.

And that’s when it hit me. While I use these guidelines to reach my professional and personal goals, for some reason it never occurred to me that these would apply to my love life. I felt like such a failure in marriage and I swore off of love and relationships. I was going to focus on my kids, work and other goals but love was not one of those. I didn’t need it and it went so poorly why would I ever try that again? I learned my lesson the first time. But I realized that I do hard things. Anything worth doing is hard. And isn’t a life filled with companionship supposed to be worth it? And I had failed at things before and I never let that stop me. I’ve run 3 marathons – do you think all of that training was easy or successful? No, but if I bombed a 13-mile run, I’d shake it off and try again the next day. I didn’t quit just because it didn’t work the first time or was hard. I tried again because (for some reason) running 26.2 miles is an amazing feeling. This is how I do everything. Why wasn’t I applying this to love too? Maybe because love is so personal. Maybe because love was so incredibly painful – I still cry sometimes. But I’m not someone who gets knocked down and stays there. What was I doing? It has been way more than the alloted 24-hour pity party. Maybe it was time to start opening my mind and heart to future possibilities.

For the first time in a long time, the idea of marriage and love did not completely repulse me. In fact, my only reason for not opening up my heart and mind was because I felt like I was bad at love and I was afraid of being hurt again. I don’t like to hold myself back because of fear. And I know that failing once does not mean you are bad at something – it just means you need to try again.

I don’t want Squirrel thinking that marriage equals divorce. And if I’m encouraging him and Moose to do things that are scary and to try again if things don’t work out, I need to apply that advice to the one area I’m scared of too – love.

I haven’t felt this much peace and openness in two years. My heart feels lighter – not because I’m getting married ANY time soon – it’s not even on the radar – but because that heavy sense of doom surrounding my heart has lifted. I’m not a failure. It just didn’t work the first time. That’s all. Not that I’m giving my heart away freely but I’m not going to stop it from flying if it wants to.  Just because love didn’t work out before doesn’t mean it won’t work out again. Marriage does not equal divorce. You can’t win if you don’t try. And I like winning.