Hygge Day or Snuggles, Sofas and Stew

You guys. The fall. It is SO MUCH. It is the first day of school, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, birthdays, football season, school conferences, so many fundraisers, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Tae Kwon Do, school pictures, show choir, apple orchards, jack-o-lanterns. Now I love fall and fancy coffee drinks and beautiful trees as much as the next person. And I really do love football and the new school year and apple orchards. But whenever you cram so much into three short months, no matter how much you love all of it, it is still overwhelming. And now that I only have my loves every other weekend so it’s even harder to do all of the mom things I want to do with them.

So when I found our first free weekend in months, I wanted to celebrate. Do we go to the movies and dinner? Do we visit friends? Do we have friends over for a party? Or…do we have an intentional weekend of nothing? But not planning anything - that's not quite how I do things. So in true Jenny fashion, I’m making this free weekend into a holiday – a Hygge-Day to be exact.

I’ve been in love with this idea of Hygge since I heard about it a few years ago. From what I’ve read from non-educational websites, it’s Danish and is the art of being cozy, comfortable and chill. Supplies? Blankets, loungewear, comfy socks, candles, hot cocoa, books, movies, board games, pastries and stew. This sounds like exactly what my family needs. So much of the time I feel like all we are doing is running from one thing to another, crashing in bed, getting up and repeating. I know I’m preaching to the choir. We need a weekend to reconnect, reset and recharge. We need a Hygge-Day.

I told the boys about my grand idea. Hmm…reading? No screens? I’m not getting many fans. But then I mention comfy blankets, candles, board games, family movie time, candles, popcorn, hot cocoa, pajamas, candles, stew and pastries. Did I mention candles? (For some reason, candles are really important for Hygge!) I should have just led with the pastries. We are all in. Ok, they aren’t 100% sold on the reading time, but I am. And we can do art, writing (okay maybe just me) and Legos too. We are all so excited  for this Hygge-Day.

What’s awesome about Hygge is that it is celebrates being happy with what you have – you don’t need fancy blankets or socks. Now I do have to do some prep work for our Hygge-Day because naturally I’m going to make a production out of our weekend of nothing, but even I am going to try to keep it simple. I’m going to run out and get the required candles, hot cocoa, marshmallows and tea. I’ll swing by the Bake Shoppe to make sure we are stocked on pastries. Friday night everyone will make their pile of books and we will find games we all want to play and movies we all want to watch to eliminate the stress of the inevitable fights we always have. And I’ll pre-cut all of the veggies for Moose’s favorite chicken stew because this is a chill day for me too.

If this goes according to plan, this might become my favorite tradition that we break out more than once a year. Because even my kids are craving downtime from the wicked schedules we keep. Snuggling on the sofa all day as a family is exactly what we all need before going into the holiday season – especially this year as we all navigate the new life we have together.

So if you can’t reach us next weekend, we will be unplugged yet plugged into each other. Phones and tablets will be powered down but we will be recharging. Doors shut, hearts open. Lights off, Hygge on.  

My Advice for Navigating Your Friend’s Divorce or Divorce is Not Lord Voldemort

I just read the Pema Chodron book, When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times, and it says that when bad things happen to us, it is a gift because it teaches us empathy and compassion. And that is so true. When I got divorced, I realized how much I’ve been doing it wrong with my friends who have gone through this already. So here are my tips for you when your friend is going through divorce. Hopefully you’ll be a better friend than I have been.

1. You can ask us about the divorce. I know you are afraid we are going to fall apart. And maybe we will. Maybe we won’t. Think of it like playing the lotto. You won’t know if you will win unless you play. I have talked for an hour about the divorce completely dry eyed and I have broken into sobs in a Subway talking about Christmas traditions for 3 minutes. It is possible that your friend feels out of control and that feels awful. Please just bear with us. We hate feeling this way but it is better when our friends hand us a tissue if we are losing our shit. Divorce is not catchy. If you acknowledge it, you won’t catch it. I promise. But pretending that a huge earthquake has not crashed through our world is kind of annoying. Some of us feel embarrassed that we failed at marriage. We might have made promises to God or to our families that we couldn’t keep. And the reasons for our divorce are often embarrassing too – cheating, addiction, finances. I know this requires you to step up in front of shame and that is hard and awkward for everyone. But please do it anyway.

2. And we may not want to talk about the divorce! Isn’t that fun? I tell you to ask us about it and then tell you we may not want to talk about it. I know. I am putting a lot of responsibility on you as a friend. But I don’t know anyone who has gone through divorce that hasn’t felt completely fragile and we know we don’t make a lot of sense. But sometimes we just want to hear all about your life and your kids and your job so we can pretend we live your life for a bit. You’ll have to feel it out. We appreciate your patience.

3. Ask us how we are TODAY. That last part is important. Because if you ask us how we are, we will say fine. Every. Single. Time. Because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we really do WANT to be fine. But we probably are not fine. If you ask again and you ask how we are TODAY, we might give you an honest answer. Asking how we are TODAY acknowledges that how we feel changes weekly, daily, hourly and by the minute. We could have an email from our lawyer or text from our ex that totally changes our day. So even if we really are fine at 8 a.m. we might be a disaster by 4 p.m. Is that messy? Sure is. We hate the roller coaster of the emotions too. It is draining.

4. Friends, divorce is scary! So scary! There is paperwork, signatures and finding a lawyer you can trust. There is the MONEY – lawyers are expensive and we don’t know how to pay for that. And divorce means we are losing something. We are losing time with our kids, we are losing financial security, we are losing family, we are losing friends and we could be losing our house. Imagine just one of those things happening to you and then put them all together at once. Some of us don’t know where we are going to live or how we are going to buy groceries. Oh, and we have no control over a lot of our circumstances. We are at the mercy of the courts and are fighting fighting fighting for what is most important to us. And we don’t know how that will go. We won’t sleep for months. We will lose 20 pounds because we cannot swallow food because we are full of fear. Or we will gain 20 pounds because food is the only thing that feels good to us. We know we should take better care of ourselves but right now, just the basics are all we can handle and by basics, I mean we got showered that day – that is a win. So if we are having a hard time focusing on being a good friend or concentrating at work, it is because we are in a heightened state of fear. Please have grace and toss us a mulligan.

5. Divorce is exhausting. There is so much to do – it can be a part time job. There are papers to read, meetings to attend, checks to write, decrees to go over with a fine-toothed comb, financial documents to gather. And your friend is doing this stuff alone – there is no spouse to help them with it. And they may be transitioning to single parent status which makes things more complicated. So maybe offer to drive their kids to practice or send them a Starbucks gift card. I promise you that they will appreciate it. They will thank you when they have the energy. But it may be a while.

6. Bring us casseroles and send cards. If your friend had a death in the family, everyone would rally around them. You guys, your friend DID lose a family member. And even if they are better off, it is still sad. No matter how much they didn’t get along or if it was abusive, the hope and dreams of the future are gone. And that is deeply sad. And it is so amazing to not have to worry about cooking dinner for our kids or to get a well-timed card in the mail. I can’t tell you the number of times I got a surprise card in the mail that literally got me through the next day. It may seem small to you, but even just a text about how amazing your friend is, can be just the thing they need to keep fighting.

7. Divorce isn’t fair. Like not in the “life isn’t fair” kind of way but IT IS NOT FAIR. Even if the ex cheated and gave your friend chlamydia, it doesn’t mean your friend gets the house, all of the retirement, full custody and the dog. Divorce is surprisingly black and white – add up the assets and the liabilities and split it. Child support is a formula. It will never feel fair to anyone. Telling your friend that she (or he) needs to fight more or get a new lawyer or whatever isn’t always helpful. Our lawyers know more than we do. And there are a lot of hard things to swallow that we don’t have control over. And we have to balance the importance of the question with the $150 bill that email will come with. Now, that being said, if we are feeling angry and indignant, we want you to be there with us – be mad with us! If we sound defeated, be supportive but please don’t make us explain why the ex who never saved still gets half of your friend’s retirement. It sucks and we don’t want to think about it.

8. Acknowledge the big days. We don’t suddenly forget when our wedding anniversary was when we sign the divorce papers. That first birthday single? That can be rough. Even if the divorce was a great thing for your friend, those days can still be sad. Don’t pretend that they should just be a regular day. Ask your friend how she is doing. Just recognizing that you are there can make that day a lot easier. We know we are strong. We know we are brave. But we are also sad and feel conflicted. Please don’t make us qualify everything with “But things are so much better.” Things CAN be so much better but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

9. We can’t just throw out the wedding photos. Or maybe we can. Some things are easier to part with than others. Give us some time. There will be a day when we ask you to come over to help us get rid of the wedding dress and the other mementos. Or maybe we won’t. As many books, podcasts and articles there are about divorce, none of us go through it the same.

I’m not going to pretend that I know everything or that these tips cover all of the different situations your friends are going through. And we all handle divorce, react to it and feel about it differently. But this can at least help you get started holding their hand during one of the more challenging times they’ll face. None of this is easy. I am asking you to be brave. I’ve learned that instead of pretending nothing is happening, I will lean in to my friends’ pain now, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I will say the hard things that might cause a reaction, like, “It’s not okay, it never was okay, and you need to know that everything that happened to you wasn’t anything you deserved and someone needs to tell you that,” because those things need to be verbalized even if they make her cry because it is a truth she needs to hear. And I will check on my friends often, rather than treating the divorce like Voldemort – He Who Should Not Be Named.

Everything I’ve learned has been from my friends. I have amazing friends that know how to lean in to hard situations. They texted, sent cards, flowers and fun gifts, they called, they picked up the phone when I called. They lent their expertise. They drove my kids places. They didn’t shy away from the tears but instead gave me hugs and picked me up off the floor. They ranted and raged when I needed them to, they gave me hard truths when I needed them but didn’t want them. God bless these friends. They inspire me to be a better person. It is my turn to pass it along.