Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Deep Thoughts By Yours Truly

Well, these aren't quite deep thoughts. But since I've been too busy to actually write a real post, I decided to leave you with a few random thoughts instead.

1. What the hell AutoCorrect? Have you never done AutoCorrect for a parent before? When I say poopy, I do not mean popping. Who says popping more than poopy? And poppy instead of puke? Seriously? I would like to submit the following words to AutoCorrect: poopy, barf, puke, and losingmyfuckingmind. Clearly my texting is not sexy.

2. Why can't all public bathrooms have big stalls? Have you ever tried to maneuver a small child onto a toilet seat in what is the equivalent of a 18 inch x 18 inch box? I just want to give the middle finger to whoever designed these types of restrooms whenever I take my youngest to the bathroom, which means three times per meal at a restaurant because you put up those damned hanging beads on the hall to the restroom and they are SO FUN to go through. DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON PORTA POTTIES OR I WILL POPPY!

3. Is there a rule about not serving cereal for dinner? Because breakfast didn't get picked up this morning and the box of cereal sitting on the counter looks way more appealing than actually cooking something nutritious. If I throw on some gummy vitamins, that makes it a well balanced meal, right?

4. And what about ice cream for dinner? That seems like an adult choice to me.

5. I am going to write the Rock's future teachers apology notes at the beginning of the school year, apologizing for all future behavior. Because yes, I am the parent that laughs when he acts up. He is hilarious.

6. Kissing my 9 year-old in public is the worst possible punishment I can inflict on him that is legal. I have pointed out to him that while this does not embarrass me in the least, I know it mortifies him so he better stop rolling his eyes at me.

7. Apparently beauty cream is a hoax. I told my 3 year-old that it makes Mommy pretty and then I made the mistake of asking him if it worked. After a critical assessment, the answer is no. Screw you Oil of Olay. Side note, he is the one I will rely on to dress me for my funeral because I know he will pick out the most flattering outfit.

8. When I look at my dear children now, it freaks me out that I ever birthed something so large. Now I know what elephants feel like. And not just because I wear a lot of neutral colors and have saggy skin too.

9. What is the line between explicit and REALLY explicit music? Somehow one or two F-bombs are okay, but not straight cussing in rap. How did we ever decide upon this justification?

10. I am more concerned when I hear my children swearing inappropriately than when I hear them drop a justified cuss word. I have accepted that they will know how to swear - I just don't want them sounding like idiots doing it.

11. How did I ever live without these two little beasts in my life?

And that's all for now folks! Have a great night and tip your servers!