“Where the hell is the Squirrel?” I called out for the
hundredth time. The Squirrel has a pack that he likes to run with, a collection
of neighbor boys aged 4-7, which of course is the optimal age for decision
making. These boys hop from house to house so it’s really anyone’s best guess
where they are. They could be inside watching TV, outside on a trampoline, hiking
through the prairie grass, or tearing up someone’s landscaping. They are
randomly kicked out of houses for dinner time, during which time they will sit
outside pining rather than go to their own homes.
The Moose is also out and about with his friends, playing
basketball and descending on kitchens like locusts as only middle school boys
can. I love how my kids have neighbor friends to play with and encourage them
to bring friends home or play outside. However…I do want to know where they are
at all times.
Does this make me overbearing? Who cares! I grew these kids
myself. I have made sacrifices for them, including the ability to pee without
interruption. These boys beat my heart and I’m pretty sure they still have some
of my blood running through their veins. So do I want to know where they are?
Yes and I don’t feel bad about it. When I don’t know where they are, it is hard
to breathe. Not knowing where they are is like not knowing where my right hand
is. Does that sound crazy? Well that’s how it feels.
I’ve seen those memes floating around Facebook about how
when we were kids back in the good ole days, our parents sent us outside to
play for the day after breakfast and didn’t expect to see us until dinner time.
That in our day we tramped through the woods, built forts and drank full-sugar
Kool Aid and bologna sandwiches. And by golly, that’s the way it should be now
too dammit! We are too involved, too worried about safety, too much everything.
We are raising soft kids!
Are we? Or are we just trying to make sure our kids live to
see the age where they can use those college savings accounts we’ve been warned
to have? I’ve seen what the Squirrel can do when left to his own devices. He’s
quite resourceful. And if given the opportunity to build his own fort without
adult supervision, he’d be over the moon – especially when he got his hands on
that nail gun. And trust me, he’d find the nail gun. This is a child that used
to grab kitchen knives when he was three and declare that he was old enough now
for a butcher knife. And that happened when I was only a room away. Give him a
whole day to wreck havoc on the world? Well, how much do you enjoy your
personal safety and peace?
Were parents better back in the 70’s? Can’t we just embrace
that we’ve learned things over the last four decades and have made adjustments?
Mixing a cup of sugar into a pitcher to make Kool Aid? Mmm…maybe not. Let’s
save the sugar for things that we can actually eat, like frosting and cookies.
I grew up watching shows like The Dukes of Hazzard. In a fit of nostalgia, I
sat down with my kids to watch it – this is what good TV was when I was growing
up! The warm fuzzies subsided to the realization we were watching a show that
flaunted a scantily clad woman who had a questionable relationship with her
cousins. And wait, what the fuck is that on the General Lee? Is that a
Confederate flag? What the hell! When I was a kid, I’m pretty sure I thought it
was just stars and stripes. How about we flip on Modern Family so you can
understand that different cultures and sexual preferences are okay?
Look folks, we go into panic mode if we can’t find our
phone. Yes, in the decades since the good ole days we’ve advanced enough that
we don’t have landlines anymore and all use mini computers that fit in our
pockets for phones. You don’t hear me bitching that I’m not linked to the wall
with a cord when I order my pizza – see, progress is good! Did you know there
is a phobia now for people who fear losing their phones? We even have an app
for it – Find My iPhone. So it’s acceptable for me to freak out when I don’t know
where my phone is but I’m supposed to be cool with letting my Moose and
Squirrel go MIA for a whole day. Because those priorities seem to be well
aligned…
Granted, maybe I could scale back the full blown panic I
feel when the Moose goes to a public bathroom. Have I almost burst into a men’s
restroom to check on him? Yes, yes I have. Am I proud of that fact or the fact
that I’ve almost done this multiple times? No, no I’m not; but I’m willing to
bet there are a bunch of moms out there that would nod and say, “I get you.”
I’m not always going to be this way. The Moose and Squirrel
will eventually go to college and at that point, I really don’t want to know
where they are all the time much less what they are doing*. In fact, knowing
what the Squirrel is up to might make me an accessory to a crime. They need to
have the freedom to have fun and make mistakes so that when they are older they
will think, “thank goodness we pulled that off!” But until they move out, I am
on a need to know basis and I will always need to know. And if they don’t want
to share that information, well that’s what Find My iPhone is for. Ha ha, you
thought you pulled one off by getting a phone in fifth grade – joke’s on you Kiddo!
So I’m not going to feel bad that I parent in the current
century. I don’t really want to go back to the times where second hand smoke
was acceptable, car seats were optional and the internet wasn’t even conceived.
Some things change for the better. I’m willing to bet nail guns have gotten more
powerful and ER visits more expensive. I’ll care less about where my children
are when there is an app called Find My iKid. Until then, I’ll be knocking on
your door to see if the Moose and Squirrel are there.
*As long as they follow the Four Golden Rules, they will be
fine. (See prior Four Golden Rules blog...)
