Life Hacks or What Donuts and Swears Have in Common

If you are lucky, you are going to have some times in life that just really suck. Times where you wake up and realize that your actual life is what your worst dreams are made of and you just want to go back to sleep to escape. Moments where you think, I don’t really know how I’m going to live through this.  Experiences where you can’t stand being in your own skin because it is so miserable. And at the time, it can be really hard to see the beauty in those moments. But this is where the change happens – you are going to come out of this stronger, more thoughtful, more empathetic, more gracious – you can’t become a better You without a fight. All change comes with a battle. But this blog isn’t about overcoming adversity and becoming a different person. Not today. This blog is about the life hacks to get you through those shitty moments. I’m going to share some of my favorites – things that put a smile on my face when I needed one. And no, I’m not going to tell you to mediate or pray. Everyone tells you that. There’s nothing wrong with mediating and praying. But I’m going to tell you about laughing, swearing and unhealthy food.

1. Friends – Okay, this one is a bit of a cliché but that’s because it’s true. When you are bogged down by what life has thrown at you, reach out. If it’s really bad and shameful, I know you don’t want to tell anyone. I get it. And I’m still telling you to reach out to your friends. It doesn’t have to be all of them – make an inner circle that you know you can turn to. But my heavens, your friends are going to be the ones that get indignant with you, that put up with your constant whining, that set you back in your place, that send you funny memes that make you snort. Gather your tribe and let them take a few turns in the battle for you when you need a rest.

2. Podcasts – I love podcasts. But there are a few that I love when I need a pick me up. And these aren’t things that are inspirational or sentimental. Friends, you need a laugh. My two favorites are One Bad Mother (down to earth real moms that end each episode with “You are doing a great job” – seriously there are days I pretend they are talking to just me) and My Brother My Brother And Me (three brothers offering advice from yahoo questions.) Neither of these are appropriate for kids unless you are trying to connect with your teenage son and maybe let him listen to MBMBAM so he can think you are cool. These are hilarious. Subscribe today.

3. The Shine app – This is the coolest app I’ve found lately. First it’s free, which is awesome. Second, every day you check in and say one thing you are grateful for and one thing you are doing for yourself. And if you are going through some really heavy shit, it forces you to think of one thing you can do for yourself when it’s the last thing you want to do. I’m not going to lie, one day the thing that I was grateful for was the fact that there was the correct percentage of oxygen in the air so I could breathe. Which IS something to be grateful for and even though I had to stretch to see the good in that day, I still did. They also have great self-care articles. Way to go Shine!

4. The Skimm – Friends, if you haven’t subscribed to the Skimm yet, you are missing out. The news sucks. But the Skimm delivers it in a sarcastic, cynical and skimmed down way that I appreciate. You get an email every day with a snarky summary of the news. It’s my favorite thing to read each day. And it makes me feel smart and makes me smile. Win win.

5. Take Care of Yourself – Blah blah blah. You know this one. Eat right, sleep and move. Sigh. I’m sorry to say, but this stuff is true. Go to bed at night. Try to move. Eat right. But here’s my twist. I tend to over-exercise, under eat and not sleep when I’m stressed. So for me this meant accepting a walk for exercise. In fact, I reframed exercise to movement. Diet has always been hard for me because it’s my favorite way to beat myself up. And when I’m stressed, I am full regardless if I’ve eaten anything that day. So I started to feed myself. And sometimes I want donuts. And that’s okay because I also know that I feel better when I eat healthy so it’s not an everyday thing – and I’m not going to get upset with myself for indulging in my favorite food. To improve my sleep, I started reading to the kids and doing the daily debriefing of the days (because they really like to share the truth about their days at bedtime) in MY bed, not theirs. Then when we are done, they shoot off to their rooms and guess what, I’m already in bed. Good night!

6. Manage Those Emails and Texts – If you are like me, you are quick to respond – good or bad. Here’s what I’ve learned. Everything can wait. Take 20 minutes before you reply to the text. Wait to read the email that you know contains a trigger until you feel mentally ready. Almost everything can marinate a little bit. Get to it when you feel ready but not before.

7. Goals – When things are hard it seems crazy to add to your to-do list. But goals you set are things you can control. And that’s important when you feel like nothing is in your control. Set a goal you know you can accomplish so you can feel successful and in charge of your life, especially if work or home life has gotten away from you.

8. Finding the Humor – I learned to find the humor in every situation years ago. It was one of those growth moments I talked about earlier that changes who you are. Now whenever things are rotten, I look around for what’s funny in that situation – it makes me reframe my life and gives me a smile. For example, did you know that doctors call STDs STIs now? Why? Because we would feel better knowing that our weird rash is an infection rather than a disease? If I had herpes, I’m not sure I’d care whether it was an STD or an STI. Maybe just call me in the prescription and we’ll leave semantics for another time? But this little thought had me grinning through my tears at the OBGYNs. I know that not every situation will have something to smile about, which is why it’s important to squint and find it when you can.

9. Swears – Seriously, research has shown that people who swear are telling the truth more.  And swearing is a form of stress reduction. So let it fly friends. Trust me, it feels good to yell an F-bomb in your kitchen every once in a while.

10. Donuts – Um, so maybe I’m mentioning donuts twice. All I’m saying is it’s okay to enjoy a really good donut (if you like that kind of thing). Just don’t eat the crappy ones. You know, the day-old stale ones at your work. Wait for the fresh batch to show up. And don’t get hung up on how you didn’t choose carrots sticks instead. You will next time.

11. Music – Music has long been known for changing our emotions. So I made a Soundtrack playlist of songs that really spoke to me. Stuff like “Titanium,” “Fix You,” “Dig In,” “Run the World (Girls),” “Beautiful” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” When I need to remember who I am, I put it on shuffle. It’s my pick-me-up and my reminder of who I am all in one.

12. Reminder Tool on my Phone – If you are like me, you have those moments where you think, “I could have handled that better.” I always feel better about my actions and my words when I am true to who I am. So I have set reminders in my phone that do just that. Then throughout the day I see them for a quick reminder to be true to myself. For example, at 7 a.m. every day I have a reminder that says “Be kind.” That’s because I always feel better when I take the high road. And I need reminders to be kind to myself too. What did Michelle Obama say? “When they go low, we go high?” Yes! That might actually get added to my reminder list. I also have a reminder to feed the Squirrel’s frogs every Monday and Thursday. Reminders save my emotional life and the lives of those dang frogs.

Life can be hard sometimes. And while we know it’s worth it in the long run, sometimes we need things that get us through the short game – the every day. I know that each of us is going through something. Hopefully one of these hacks helps you get through your day like it did mine. If you see me grabbing a donut at Kwik Star, you know that I’m just eating a little piece of sunshine because there is nothing better than a good fresh blueberry donut. And if you see me laughing like an idiot by myself on a walk, you can be sure I’m hearing something wildly inappropriate on the MBMBAM podcast. Grab your piece of sunshine where you can Friends. Good luck!

All You Need Is Love or Why Valentine's Day Is NOT May Day

Confession: This is my first year single for Valentine’s Day in 25 years and I still love this holiday.

So many of my friends have commented over the years how much they hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a manufactured holiday sponsored by Hallmark meant for couples, etc etc etc. I always thought that maybe I didn’t feel that way because 1) I was married and 2) I love Hallmark. So here I sit, approaching my first singles Valentine’s Day since I was 16 years old and you know what, I don’t hate it. As usual, I’m looking forward to it. And let me tell you why.

Look, you know I’m not someone who buys into arbitrary holidays. If you have followed me at all, you know how I feel about May Day. But that’s nothing like Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day has chocolate and heart shaped candy, not stale popcorn and leftover Halloween candy in a dixie cup! Valentine’s Day is full of flowers. May Day, well, kids pull up some sad rogue sidewalk violets that droop as soon as they are plucked. I mean the sentiment is sweet but I’ll take a nice bouquet from 1-800 FLOWERS thanks.

This year though no one will be sending me flowers and that’s okay. For me Valentine’s Day has always been a celebration of love. And what this world needs is more love. Love doesn’t have to be romantic love. I love the Moose and Squirrel beyond words. I love my family. I love my wonderful friends. I love my pets, even Syd Vicious. I love my job and I love my church. If I look beyond how I’m “supposed” to feel as a newly single parent (am I supposed to feel jaded about the concept of love?), I can’t turn around without bumping into love. So how do I celebrate it this year?

Well, let’s start with my nearest and dearest. Every year I have given my kids small gifts four days leading up to Valentine’s Day because well, I just like to find excuses to surprise them and this seemed like a good outlet. And I like to make this celebration of love last as long as I can. So in that spirit, I’m leaving them little love notes every day in February on their bedroom doors.  February is a short month – I can easily think of 28 things I love about my kids. 

Let’s widen that circle. I’ve decided that this year, once a month I’m going to write a friend or family member and tell them how much they mean to me. This has been a year where I could not have gotten through it without my friends and family. They have held me up when I couldn’t stand. They have sent texts, emails, old fashioned letters, and called. They did not look away when I sobbed in the middle of Subway – that’s saying something. They have loved me when life wasn’t easy. It’s always easy to love the cute adorable puppy but when it is an old arthritic dog, not so much. This was an old dog year and yet I was surrounded by love.

But what about beyond that? In a year that I know will be challenging emotionally and mentally, I decided to compound that by coming up with 19 things to do in 2019 (all from the Happier podcast with Gretchen Rubin.) At first it seemed pretty stupid to add things to my to-do list that already seemed overwhelming. But so much of my every day to-do list is stuff I don’t actually want to do. By making a 19 in 2019 list, these were things I actually wanted to do. One thing that made this list was showing love beyond my circle and to involve the boys. We are doing monthly RAK Attacks this year, which sounds kind of awful but actually is wonderful. Once a month we will go out of our way to do random acts of kindness. We’ve left popcorn at the Redbox and left change in the vending machines. I decided that we can each take turns coming up with ideas each month so I took January, Squirrel has February and Moose has March. I can’t wait to see what they think of.

So much love to spread out. But I’m missing someone. Myself. Through the years I’ve struggled to love myself, instead expecting too much and never achieving it and berating myself for not being perfect. That’s a work in progress. Now when I have a bad moment and get upset with how I handled it, I take a breath and realize I’m not perfect and won’t always act the way I want to. Evidently, that’s called being human. So what can I do to show myself some love for Valentine’s Day? Well, first I’m going to be around people who bring me joy. I’m going to be gentle with myself and realize that this might be more difficult than I’m letting on. I’m finding a good book to read and funny cat videos to watch to make me smile. I’m going to use an expensive shower burst to start my day out right. I’m going to move – either by going to the gym or staying at home on my yoga mat. I might pick myself up a few flowers to cheer up my desk at work and maybe a heart shaped donut because I love donuts. I’m going to love someone I’ve ignored for a long time. Me. I am going to be my biggest fan this year. Heck, I might even write myself a love note.

See, if we reframe Valentine’s Day from something commercial to a celebration of love, we realize that Valentine’s Day is just a reminder to celebrate something that surrounds us every day. It is easy to only see the hate in this world – it’s almost all we see in the news and papers. It’s easy to get wrapped up in all that is going wrong in our lives. But if you squint just a little, you see the love shining through too. In this year of healing, I’m working on building more love into my life, for my sons, for my friends and family, for complete strangers and most importantly, for myself. Because if I don’t treat myself with the love that I deserve, no one else will either. And love is something to celebrate.

Sydney AKA Syd Vicious
possibly one of the more evil cats I know

but I love her :)