Chasing That Elusive Balance or Welcome to Your New Class Schedule of Life

I’ve gotten some great advice as I’ve started my new single mom adventure. Some of the more helpful advice has been how to handle my kid-free time. You see, I never had kid-free time before, which you  probably figured out if you have been reading my blog for a while now. “My time” had to happen between the hours of 4-6 a.m. In that time I had to go to the gym, read, mediate or do anything that resembled self-care. As soon as the clock struck 6 a.m., I was on duty. So now I find myself with more free time in one week than I had in 3 months and lots of my friends have helped me navigate that time (you guys, thank you – I love you!) When the house is quiet, your mind can race and while some deep thinking is healthy, ruminating is not. One of the best and most consistent pieces of advice I’ve received is to do something for me during this quiet time. Another piece of wisdom I got was to do all the work of running a house, like cleaning, running errands, meal prep, groceries, etc. when the kids are gone so you can just have fun time with the kids when they are here.

Because I love challenges, I took this kid-free time by the horns. I wasn’t going to be sad – I would be happy that they have some quality time with their dad without me running the show. It will be good for everyone! I’m over the causes of our divorce – I’ve got a one-way ticket on the train to Happyville! I started tackling all of the household chores and doubling down on self-care whenever the kids were gone. And you know what? I was exhausted when they came back. Sure no one but me had to do any chores in my house but I was so wiped out that I was pretty much sunk the day they got home and it was hard to plan fun carefree things to do. And sadly enough, there is some pressure to be the fun house, a status I will never achieve because I’m Mom and thought we needed to get back into the daily reading habit BEFORE school starts this year. This did not go over well.

Then I realized something. I was setting my boys up to expect their significant others to take care of themselves only when they had “free time.” That chores, groceries, cooking - all the things - magically happen when they are away. And that mothers should only have time for self-care when it is most convenient for the other people of the house. What the heck? Here I was thinking I was nailing this divorce thing, focusing on raising healthy well-adjusted men and I am fucking them up. I am modeling the same behavior that my ex and I modeled for them for years. The woman runs around taking care of everything and everyone but herself – she is allowed to take care of herself when everyone else is asleep or otherwise busy. Because she is ALWAYS ON CALL. Speaking from personal experience, this is not sustainable or healthy for anyone. Stop. Just stop. I cannot believe I have messed this up on this scale. Again.

What am I doing? I am showing my boys that they don’t need to lift a finger. That Mom’s house bears no responsibility – that it is not a team, a family, that lives here. That Mom lives to serve her kids. She will take care of any of her needs only after everyone is fed, clean, happy and asleep. We already did that. It did not work. But here I find us in the same pattern again and it is all my fault. 

Now let me say that my friends’ advice was spot on. This downtime IS time to take care of myself and it’s great to get groceries without a bag of Doritos and a box of oatmeal cream pies stealthily appearing in the cart. But I need to do it in a healthy way where I still require my kids to have some responsibility. As usual, I took the advice a little too far.  

So I started treating my kid-free weekends like little sabbaticals. What did I actually want to do? Did I want to stay in bed until noon reading books and binging on Netflix? Yes! Did I want to go to the gym for two hours? Yes! Cheetos and cereal for dinner? Yes (wait what, I meant salad and mineral water for dinner.) Cleaning all three of the bathrooms? Not so much. What did I want to do right now if I had no responsibilities? I slowed down. Sure, my thoughts caught up to me at first and I had some good soul bearing cry sessions. And then I rested. I didn’t run around the house like I was on fire to make sure everything was perfect for when my little cubs returned. I started saving some chores for them. A family means we all pitch in together. They should expect to have to take care of things in the places that they live. And they should have to help their mother. She works hard at her job, she works hard raising them, and now she will work hard ensuring that they have some skin in the game too.

Then I started thinking about how I saved up all of my self-care for when the kids are gone. Sure, it’s great that I now have some time to take care of myself when they are gone. But when the kids are here, they should respect that I am not a maid or a robot. My self-care should not just take place when they are not here – they need to see me prioritizing myself the same way I prioritize them. That I need fun and rest in my life, even when they are home. No longer will I be the only one standing in the kitchen when everyone else is sitting in the living room chilling out. It is time to model healthy relationships, even if it is one of a single parent. And some of that means that we need to respect that Mom needs downtime too to read a book or go to a fitness class.

So to my mom friends out there. It doesn’t matter if you are married or single. It’s time to start showing our littles that we are people, we are human. It’s time to stop doing all of the everything and make them pitch in a bit. I know they have sports and homework. Guess what. They’ll have those same things in college too and I sure hope you don’t plan to show up to clean their dorm room for them (you guys, I’ve heard of this happening.) We need to teach our kids that as much as we do revolve our worlds around them, the world does not truly revolve around them. Maybe we need to grab a pedicure on the weekend. Or have quiet time to read after a super long day at work. Or go for a quiet walk or listen to a podcast or go to bed early. Or…so many things. And for all of us to be healthy people in our homes it takes a team effort – everyone pitches in and everyone gets to enjoy themselves too.

Let me propose a new class schedule – one that has literal homework:

Laundry 101 – Yes, You Have to Separate
Dishes 102 – Handwashing (pre-req Dishes 101 – Unloading the Dishwasher)
Food 101 – Packing Your Own Lunch and Snack
Lunch – Clear Your Plate
Elective Choice – Dusting or Vacuuming – your pick!
Food 102 – It’s Time to Help with Dinner
Study Hall – Get Your Homework Done Without Being Asked 9 Times
Extracurricular – Let Mom Have Some Quiet Time While You Entertain Yourself Too
Capstone Project - Seeing a task that needs to be done and just doing it without being asked – clearly this is for senior year.

This year the “school year” is starting at home. First up, laundry and dishes. The school supply list? Soap and a lot of patience. Let’s make this school year the best ever! In the effort of full disclosure, I do not have any magical advice to get to this point. It is hard to change the culture of a home. I am going to have to break a lot of bad habits I’ve created and push my boys to move into this more sustainable healthy living style. But I think it’s worth it. I think I’m worth it. I think my boys are worth it. And I think whoever interacts with them in the future is worth it too. Pass the boys the Tide and hand me my book.

The List or Nobody Likes Rotten Zucchini

There is one thing on my phone that I go to more than Facebook, Instagram, or my email. It is The List. That’s right – The List, as in a proper noun. In my house, if someone asks me to fix their train set or remember that the football tshirt order form is due August 9 (fyi), they know it will happen if I add it to The List. Zucchini* doesn’t rot in my fridge, forgotten after I buy it with the best of intentions, because I have added “make zucchini bread” on The List. I don’t know where we’d be without The List.  Probably shirtless eating moldy zucchini watching a broken train set.

The List has been with me for years now. It started out innocently enough, probably a last resort when I couldn’t find a post it. I opened up my Notes on my phone and just started typing a bunch of things I needed at the grocery store. It has since grown to 58 different sublists (no lie – movies I want to see but will forget about, vacations I want to go on someday when I’m rich, my friend Amy’s great corn recipe), but still, there is just one The List – the master of them all. If anything is going to get done, including this blog, it will start off on The List. Even the Squirrel said to me the other day, “Add it to The List!”

Now some people have accused me of being too organized or “controlling.” However, most of those people have benefitted from The List themselves; they are able to randomly throw information in my direction and just count on it getting done. “I need new shoelaces.” Just out there in the universe, expecting new shoelaces to magically appear in the next 24 hours. Waiting for me to grab onto those words and tuck them away for when I go to Target later. Woof. It’s a lot of responsibility to remember everything and since I’m not a robot or a post it note, I carry it around on my phone.

The pressure of maintaining and checking The List periodically throughout the day can be exhausting. I check it first thing in the morning – what needs to be done within the next 24 hours? Then I check it throughout the day – what needs to be done this hour, this minute? I check it at the end of the day – can I cross anything off? What needs to be added? I just realized I don’t own jumper cables – add it to The List! Does The List ever get fully done? Of course not. At the very top of The List is “change address on stock.” I have needed to change my address on this one share of stock I own for the past four years – that’s what happens to the items at the top of The List. On The List, being at the top doesn’t mean you are the most important or urgent item; in fact, if you make the top of The List, it just means that more and more has been added after you and your priority level goes way down. It’s unconventional but The List never promised to be rational. It just promised to be thorough and overwhelming.

The List is becoming a cherished member of the family. We refer to it with reverence. I realize now that what started as a glorified post it has now become my security blanket. Not having to mentally remember everything for everyone is reassuring. I carry The List with me everywhere I go and I look at it when I’m feeling bored or need a pick-me-up, because surely there is something on The List that I could get done quickly to get that little boost you get when you cross something off. The List makes me feel successful and needed. Send email to the teacher. Check! YES!!! Feel those endorphins!

But The List has a dark side too. It teaches the future men in my house that instead of being responsible to remember things themselves, they can toss it to Mom, who will add it to The List so they don’t have to worry about anything. Oh the freedom of never being responsible for your own needs. The List also can be an escape for me, giving me a second to tune out the world but look productive at the same time. Since The List has no end, it can also serve as a stressor by reminding me just how much I have left to do in the day/week/month/year/decade. By Sunday night, I almost always feel like a loser.

So what to do? Well, I’ve been working on lightening my social media and sugar consumption lately. I’m not sure I have the bandwidth to give up my security blanket too. Besides, who will remember that the dog needs medicine or that the kids are low on lunch money or that I need to send birthday cards out this week? And how can I send birthday cards unless I get stamps first – add it to The List! Perhaps I should try to cut down the number of times I reference The List each day, but even that would require a notation in The List – “Review The List only 4 times today.” That sounds as bad as giving up coffee. So for now, I’ll hang on to my security blanket – it makes me feel competent and needed. And to balance the fact that it is a crutch for my Moose and Squirrel to avoid remembering things THEY need to do, I might have them start their own lists (lower case) – I am an expert on creating lists. “Coach the boys to start their own to-do lists.” Check!

*Next time I will use a vegetable that is easier to spell as an example. Zucchini? Is it double “c” or double “n”?