I'm a Mom, Not a Maid or Finding Jenny

It was another typical morning of getting after the kids to get ready for school AGAIN! It fails me how intelligent children cannot remember to get their shoes on and their teeth brushed. Or how it takes them 15 minutes to do a 30 second chore. Seriously. It ended as it usually does with me lecturing them in the car on the way to school about responsibility and respect. “I shouldn’t have to tell you to put on your shoes everyday…” “No screens in the morning for the rest of the week!” “I even made you breakfast – all you had to do is eat it and get dressed!” “I am a Mom, not a maid – you can clear your breakfast dishes!”

This is a pretty normal part of our morning sadly. While I would rather start the day like June Cleaver, my best efforts usually end in frustration. But why was it bothering me so much today? I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but it felt like I was being taken advantage of. It felt like I was being treated like a disposable…Mom.

How can I explain it? My kids were acting like kids. Of course Mom makes sure they have packed school bags, breakfast on the table, signed school notes and a ride to school. That’s what Moms do. Then she goes to work all day. After work, she rushes to the sporting events, while at the same time tries to figure out when we’ll all eat dinner, looks through the backpacks for homework assignments, and reads the school emails. She tosses the sports uniforms in the laundry, packs the lunch bags for the next day, updates the online calendar of family events and reads bedtime stories. Somewhere in there she pays the bills and cleans the house, gets the groceries and buys the upcoming presents for the parties and schedules doctors’ appointments. Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over.

This is what Moms do, right? We are care givers and managers. And we love it don’t we? We love being Moms, sure we do. And in all honesty, I DO love being a Mom. I love that the kids can count on me, no matter what. I do love watching my kids’ sporting events. But…I don’t love how they monopolize every evening or an entire weekend. I want my kids to feel loved and cared for and to know that Mom is there. I want to be the safety net. However, I also want my kids to know me for who I am, not what I do.  

I realized that Jenny does not actually WANT to pay the bills or get the groceries or be the one in the house who knows what’s for dinner. Jenny likes to eat when she’s hungry, even if that means dinner is cereal at 9 p.m. Jenny does not WANT to clean the house or help with math homework. Jenny would rather go for a walk or read or watch tv.  Jenny does not WANT to spend 9 hours on a Saturday to watch her son throw something 6 times and run for 15 seconds. Jenny has other ways to spend 9 hours. Mom may want to do all these things but Jenny does not.

Who the heck is this Jenny anyway? She sounds like a selfish bitch, but that might just be Mom talking. Because once you are a Mom, those kids’ needs should always come first. It is Mom code. But I think Jenny is someone I used to know. Somewhere around 13 years ago she ghosted out, run off from the overwhelming responsibility that comes with a new baby who never sleeps. She left the party so Mom could come in and take care of the house and kids. And being Mom is a full-time job. There was no room for Jenny anymore in that world. And no one really invited her back – why would they when Mom does such a great job? It was assumed that Jenny would be Mom and that Mom would be Jenny. But while Jenny turned into Mom, Mom just wasn’t able to leave space open for Jenny to live too. So Jenny left.

Confused yet? Or does it resonate with you? Maybe you’ve been able to retain your identity from before kids, but I didn’t. And it struck me that I really don’t even remember who Jenny is anymore. And that makes me sad and it also really pisses me off. At some point I lost who I was. And now I’m determined to find Jenny again. Unfortunately I’m not sure where to start.

My life revolves around these little balls of energy – I honestly don’t know what else there is anymore. What did Jenny even like to do when she was Jenny – before everything edged her out. I sat down to write a list of things I liked back when I didn’t have to manage a household or be responsible for the wellbeing of others. Here’s what I came up with:

Art
Friends

Exercise
Health
Music
Sticker books
Playing the drums
Unicorns
Reading
Swinging
Writing
Laughing
Cats

Obviously I had to really scrape the bottom of the barrel to remember things that I loved when I was Jenny. I’m pretty sure sticker books and unicorns are a little outdated. But I loved nothing more than to get a new album and to listen to it all in one sitting, reading the lyrics. And I loved reading and writing. I loved exercising back when I wasn’t trying to outrun my “Mom Bod.”

Am I saying I don’t want to be a Mom still? No. I love being Mom. I identify with being Mom. But I also want to create room and space for Jenny. I miss her. I’m tired of feeling overlooked because I’m Mom. They wouldn’t overlook Jenny. Jenny has feelings and interests and hobbies. Jenny has a personality. Frankly Mom is a little boring and a task master.

I think it’s going to have to be a balancing act. Let’s be real. There really is no separating out Jenny from Mom. And I don’t want to. We need Mom. And I like Mom. There are simply times where Mom is the only one who can do the job and it feels good to feel capable and needed – it fulfills something in me. Being a Mom changed who I am for the better. But that doesn’t mean Jenny can’t also show up sometimes and ask for what she needs. As icky as that feels for Mom, it’s time for Jenny to be heard.

I’m not sure how I’m going to rediscover Jenny yet. It’s going to take some changes and not the kind that come easily. It’s going to take some space and some quiet and some boundaries. And Mom isn’t good at any of those. Mom likes to bake cookies even when she is tired because that’s what good Moms do and everyone loves fresh baked cookies. But if I want Jenny to come back to this party known as life, I’ve got to welcome her back and make space for her on the couch. Maybe the kids will fight over who gets to sit next to Jenny, just like they fight over who gets to sit by Mom. There might be days she needs to sit by herself too and on those days, we’ll have to give her the permission to do that. Otherwise she may not stay. And trust me, this party is way better when she’s here.