A Hard Reset or What Apps Have You Downloaded Lately

Ever have that moment where your phone is all messed up and the only way to fix it is with a hard reset? It used to happen to me all the time with my first smart phone and I'd have to reload all my apps again. Oh it was so frustrating! The only good thing I can say about it is it gave me an opportunity to look over all my apps and do a little editing. Did I really need Angry Birds Space? Probably not.

This year I turned 39 and I decided it was going to be my best year yet. I was going to get in fantastic shape, become zen, make healthy meals, read stories to my kids every night and finally get my shit together so I'd start my forties on the right foot. Oh how ironic that statement is. Instead two weeks after I turned 39, I ended up in a surgery that would have me sitting around helpless for six weeks. And after those six weeks, I'd get to learn how to walk, sit and climb stairs all over again. It was going to be at least an eight week recovery. If you are doing the math, that means 2 months, which is 1/6th of my best year ever! And after two months of slow recovery, I'd be physically weak and completely out of shape. Even after I learned to climb stairs, I'd be out of breath when I got to the top. 

So when I woke up from surgery, my first reaction was "WHAT THE FUCK!" followed with tears. Look, I'm a hustler. There is always more I can do, more I can accomplish and it is my 39th year - my last year before my 40s. This was going to be a banner year of awesomeness. I have an addiction to busy and I was going on a bender this year. And all of a sudden, now I wasn't. 

Just like a crappy phone, I needed a hard reset. And I got one. I didn't want it, in fact I was kicking and screaming against it (mentally, although if I could have pulled it off physically, I would have.) Jenny does not sit. Jenny does not do still. And yet that's all I could do. How would I be successful and be new and improved if I could not "do"? Just like on my shitty Samsung phone, all of my apps were removed and it was up to me to decide which apps I wanted to use my storage on again.

I'm not going to lie. That first week I sat and sulked, mad at the world. If I can't exercise or take care of my family or even get a goddamned cup of coffee, then there really is no point. I ranted at my surgeon that I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING! According to my husband, this was not one of my finer moments. Fortunately things like going to the bathroom and taking a shower took up a lot of my brain power that first week. And then one morning I woke up and realized, maybe there were some apps I could add back in. They may not be what I would have called awesome before, but they were things I could do and hadn't spent a whole lot of energy on in the past.

I decided if all I could do was sit, then I would meditate every day. At first I meditated on how I was told I couldn't run again. But then I started meditating on patience and compassion for myself. I decided my new exercise goal was to rock out my rehab and did physical therapy every day, often twice a day. If I could only do leg lifts, then I would do leg lifts. But instead of thinking about what I couldn't do, I'd start doing what I could. I downloaded the Meditation and Compassionate Exercise apps.

I added in the Help App, which has a helpful notification to say "Yes please" and "Thanks" when someone offers to help. This includes when my friends have to bring my plate of food to the table and clear my place. It is so hard because it is humbling to not be able to feed yourself or clean up after a meal. And it still takes a toll on me to say "Yes, it would be great if you could hold my glass." But my Help App pings me and reminds me to say yes. Eventually I won't need help with meals or picking up my shoes anymore but I will probably need help with bigger things. And hopefully it will be easier for me to accept that help.

I downloaded the new Mom App. The update eliminated things that didn't really matter to my kids, like being the one that packed the lunches or always made sure they have clean clothes. Don't get me wrong, those things are really important. But I don't have to be the one who does them. Instead, this app encourages me to sit down with them and read or just watch a movie. And when I move up levels, this app challenges me to play more and stress less about small things that don't really need to get done immediately. 

One of my favorite new apps is the Cleaning App. It has a great feature that delegates cleaning to multiple people. In fact, you have to enter in the names of everyone in your household and assign them chores. It is fantastic. You actually lose points if you do all the cleaning yourself.

One of the original apps I didn't want to let go of was the Perfect App. It had been my favorite app that I spent way too much time on. The Perfect App had all kinds of settings. Settings for being the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect homemaker, the perfect physical specimen. I could log everything I ate, drank, how much I exercised and how little I slept. I could check in on Facebook and see how everyone else was doing too. My hustle addiction and eating disorder LOVED this app. And the best part of this app was that I never could beat the game - there was always a higher level that I could never achieve. Sitting was not an option on this app. I checked in on this app all the time. But now I couldn't even play the games on this app. I had forgotten my password. This put the "hard" in hard reset. The Perfect App hasn't been added back - I just don't have the storage for it right now and I hope I don't ever have the storage for it again.

They say it takes 21 days to create a habit. I'm on 43 days now. I make attainable goals every week - things like mediate, get off of Facebook at night, sleep more,and stop eating chips (unless you are at a Mexican restaurant because I said attainable goals, not insane goals.) I'm going to try to remember that I have limited storage and that I need to prioritize how I use it. It turns out we can't simply add storage in real life. I can't pay Apple to increase my cloud because I keep adding too much to it. Instead I have to make choices on how I spend my energy. Despite how painful this experience has been mentally, emotionally and physically, I'm glad I had an opportunity to have a hard reset. It was probably the best way to start my last year before my 40s. Who knew that this really would be the year of awesome after all.

Swab The Deck or Life Lessons on Crutches

Well friends, it has been an incredibly long month. If you don’t know the backstory, I had knee surgery and the recovery is much longer than I expected. You know how we all wish we had more time in our day? I’ve figured out the secret – use crutches! They will make every day feel like it’s 40 hours long.  Most days I’m excited to shut it down because I’ve really had enough already. And I’m not going to lie; being on crutches has not been a pretty experience that I’ve gracefully accepted. I have been mentally kicking and screaming for at least three of the four weeks since surgery. But it hasn’t all been bad. Since I’m looking at at least two more weeks on these bad boys so I thought now would be a great time to share some of the lessons I’ve learned while out of commission.

1. From now on, I’m going to keep my mouth shut when someone is rumbling with something. I’m not going to offer some cliché advice about how this too shall pass, it’s all for a reason, blah blah blah. I’ve learned that you just have to read the situation and know when you should shut up and when that person is ready for a pep talk. There’s a good possibility that the answer is never or at least not in the near future. For example, some very well-meaning people tried to helpfully point out early on that there are people who have it much worse than I do. Look, I know that. And it makes me feel like a horse’s ass that I’m pitching a fit about my short term set back when people have lost limbs or have cancer or worse. But I’m still pissed and need to be pissed about it for a little bit. And now I’m just mad AND I feel like an asshole.  So during these conversations, I learned that timing is everything when it comes to comfort. When someone is having a pity party, just let them be sad and bring them a cup of coffee and a cupcake – a really big cupcake. In the past I have seriously sucked at this rule so I’m glad I got to learn it firsthand. Now if something crappy happened to you, I’m just going to listen; I know that you know that there are people who have it worse, but that doesn’t make your experience any less sucky in the present moment.

2. I will remember to get really excited about the small stuff. Things that have excited me lately: putting on my own underwear; letting the dog out; putting on my shoes. I am like a toddler experiencing a new skill set. You don’t always have to run a marathon to feel that sense of accomplishment. Which is good because according to my surgeon, I won’t be running those anymore – but that conversation is for another day (denial…) And these small independences should be celebrated. Now if I could just figure out how to get a cup of coffee into the living room on my own…

3. Let people help. This has been so so hard for me. I am used to being the ring master of our crazy circus family and I have been barely a spectator these last few weeks. It’s like a huge demotion. I can’t get my own coffee, clean up after dinner, bring in groceries – seriously this list does not have an ending. And at first, it was so frustrating to depend on others. My brain was racing around trying to think of how I could still carry my own weight around the house – I have to earn my keep somehow! But after four weeks, I’m starting to let it go. Maybe just being me is enough for people. They want to help and take care of me. I should let them. The Moose knows how I like my coffee now and I have a feeling it might make him feel good doing something for his mom. My physical therapist was telling me how she’d feel like a failure if she had someone come in and clean her house - that it meant she couldn’t do it all. And I found myself saying, “But you don’t have to do it all. And cleaning a house isn’t that big of a deal – that’s a task you can let someone else do which gives you time for something important to you.” What are these words coming out of my mouth?? Hopefully they are words that will stick.

4. Family means we all contribute. Maybe this is terrible, but my sons have had a pretty light chore list. One unloads the dishwasher and they both put their clothes away. That’s it. For some reason, I have continued to take care of my children as though they are babies even though one is almost 12 and one is 6. Well, being benched means that these future men get to learn that they too need to clean and help around the house. Ladies, you are welcome. These two have learned how to clean a bathroom, take out the garbage, and unload groceries. My favorite moment was when I overheard my youngest exclaim in disgust while putting away groceries “We are doing all of this BY OURSELVES!” Yes, yes you are. This time I’m the one in the living room watching tv and you are in the kitchen putting away groceries. But we are a family and that means we are all in this together, including cleaning the house.

5. I already knew this, but you have to find the humor in life. After a disastrous first bath attempt, Pete and I opted for a shower. One thing you let go of quickly after surgery is humility. So there is Pete holding me up in the shower as we both try to get me clean. I’ve got a garbage sack on my leg and I am very wobbly and all I really want to do is shave my legs. But it’s hopeless that day and I’m feeling low. The next thing I know, Pete grabs the shower head and starts rinsing me off, while loudly saying “Time to Swab the Deck!” I look at him and we both just start giggling. What the hell? He has never said “swab the deck” before in his life and now we are on the Jolly Roger? And thank goodness. Because when things kind of suck, we look over at each other and say those three precious words “Swab the Deck!” and everything is okay. And I am proud to say, I can manage a shower sort of on my own now, as long as everything has been put within my reach.

Don’t be fooled. I am not Miss Positive Pollyanna all the time. I have good days and bad days, good mornings and bad mornings and my days are still very long and frankly exhausting. But if I’m going to be down and out for a while, I might as well look for the life lessons. Because this all happened for a reason and there are people who have it much worse than I do. This is temporary after all…Whatever. This has sucked and I have given myself permission to be mad about it. But I will admit that there have been good things about it too. Please get me a cup of coffee first and we’ll talk about them. You didn’t happen to bring a cupcake with you, did you?