This is month I’ve had my first weekends without my babies
in, well, 14 years? There have been a few work trips here and there and less
than a handful of kid-free vacations. But these are my first weekends alone.
Totally alone. And as the first weekend drew to a close, I realized that I had
kept myself so busy I didn’t have a chance to dwell on the silence. I moved
things around the house, expanded into newly open spaces, got groceries, mowed,
figured out the internet, nursed a stomachache, decorated my bedroom, did tons
of laundry, read and binged on Netflix. As I was driving to the gym, I thought
to myself, “I can do this alone thing. I can handle single parenting.” And
immediately I realized how wrong I was. I mean, yes, I’m a competent person and
while it is exhausting, I can nail single parenting. I know this in my bones; I
can do hard things. But what was wrong is that I have not been alone at all,
even when I’m the only one in my house.
You see, one of the best things about this year has been how
I’ve had to learn to ask for and accept help. I’ve had to say yes when I
normally would have declined offers. This is so hard for me. I’ve always felt
that to ask for help was a sign of weakness. I should be completely
self-sufficient and not have to ever ask for help. Help is for the weak and I
am not weak.
Oh how misguided. This year I’ve reached out and my tribe
has formed around me. My parents show up with money and casseroles. My brothers
text and call to give me moral support. Packages show up in the mail, like my
new swear book and Zen as Fuck journal. I’ve gotten gift cards and handwritten
notes from friends who are just thinking of me. I’ve gotten texts from friends checking
in with encouragement and hugs everywhere - even from my friends where we have a no-hug pact. I take each of those hugs now willingly. And no matter how boring I am, my best
friend answers my call every time I call her. And I call her a lot.
Even complete strangers, like Duncan at Century Link, have
been more kind than they need to be. And as I am needing more help than ever, I
find these gestures nothing less than beautiful. Maybe I’m just feeling a
little fragile as I fight to be strong, but the smiles and kind words bring
tears to my eyes. We worry about the cruelty in the world, and trust me, it is
there, but so is immense humanity.
A perfect example of this was my first “alone” weekend. I
got off work and went to the gym, knowing my babies were going to head to their
dad’s. I wanted to keep busy. After the gym, I decided to hook up my new modem,
which of course required a phone call to Century Link. Connie from Century Link
and I had a great conversation. Once I got that done, I had some gas left in
the tank, and being by myself, decided to mow my yard for the first time ever.
One blister later, I had just finished up. It wasn’t pretty but it was done.
And I checked my phone. There was a text from my neighbor, inviting me down the
street for cocktails. It could not have come at a better time. And while I’m
normally more on the shy side, I said yes. On my first Friday night alone, I
wasn’t at all – I was smiling and laughing with a group of great people.
Just these past few weeks, my parents bought me a much-needed
weed eater, a cordless drill and committed to making me a casserole weekly for
three months (if you are reading this Mom and Dad, I have this in writing.) My
friend invited me to a much-needed girls’ night. I’ve gotten texts
congratulating me on mowing* for the first time and giving me pep talks. I put
out an SOS to the neighborhood about how I don’t know how to work a mower and
seriously, someone was at my house in 2 minutes to show me how. Another neighbor came down and changed out my
outdoor lights for me because it is not Christmas time anymore and the red and
green lights have to go. My good girlfriend sent me one of the funniest videos
ever about Maycember that had me giggling in the kitchen. I have been so
blessed and surrounded by love when one would think that would be the opposite
of how I feel right now.
So single parenting for me isn’t really single after all. In
fact, I feel like I have more support now than I did when I was married. Maybe
I was putting all of my eggs into one basket – who knew that basket had a hole
in it. But what I really think is that now I am more open to accepting help and
friendship and everyone has responded in kind. I can’t think of a better
lesson. I am in an amazing place right now. It isn’t easy; in fact, it can be
downright hard. These past few weeks have been great – full of smiles but also
full of all out sobbing. But what I know for sure is that I am not alone at
all. They say it takes a village to raise a child but I think it actually just
takes a village period.
*So much about mowing. But this is something I’ve never had
to really do before and it gave me a lot of anxiety. And frankly, if your lawn
is mowed, it looks like you have your shit together…at least on the outside
from the street-view.
