Unexpected and Strange or Rabies and Wet Dreams

The best part about parenting is that you absolutely have no idea what will happen next. I feel bad for all of those parents who have those laid out birth plans that actually were executed. Didn’t you know that the birth process is our initiation into the world of the Unexpected and Strange? That’s why babies are born early and late, why we have emergency C-sections and why you always get the doctor you’ve never met hanging out to see your lady parts do acrobatics while they are delivering your bundle of joy. If you didn’t catch the clue that life will always be Unexpected and Strange from delivery, then babies continue the hazing by not latching on if you are trying to breast feed, being allergic to the formula you bought in advance (because you are always Prepared dammit!), and by peeing all over the going-home-from-the-hospital outfit you bought so that you have to use some old hospital onesie instead (true story.) If our love bundles have done their job well, we leave the hospital as very different people who realize life will never be the same again.

If you are like me, this was a terribly hard transition. I am Type A(+) and am overly organized. I have been known to have meals planned out two weeks in advance, I book flights 8 months before a trip and can’t believe it when my flights change, and will discuss weekend plans with my husband, only for him to realize I’m talking three weeks out. Needless to say, I don’t do spontaneous well. So when my wonderful first born was two weeks early, I was in denial that I’d had a baby until his actual due date had passed. Can we say Post-Partum? This was my first clue that life would always be Unexpected and Strange.

Now we are all accustomed to the last minute projects that come home from school, the birthday party invitations that arrive less than a week in advance, and when the stomach flu strikes. After a while, this becomes the norm in your house. We can roll with the punches with the best of them. And that’s when we get cocky. “We’ve got this parenting thing down! I am a seasoned veteran.” Heck, throw in a constipated dog – we are still cool under pressure!

That’s why when the life gets truly Unexpected and Strange, it warrants a moment of pause and respect. After 11 years of parenting, my husband and I were getting complacent. We thought we’d seen everything. We’ve handled food allergies and moody hormones, jeans that overnight turn 2 inches too short and expired medicines that you replace at 2:30 a.m., projectile vomiting and hornet attacks. So when our 5 year old came home and announced he’d been bit by a wild hamster, we looked at each other and knew what to do – assume he’s lying. But no, there was an incident report documenting the attack and a band-aid as proof. No problem – we are still calm, in fact laughing. Wild hamsters! Of course. Naturally we have other places to be and things to do that night, namely our older son’s first middle school open house. Lockers need to be “organized” and class schedules need to be mapped. And we can’t miss The Parent Meeting at the end. And as soon as it was over, we had to zip to soccer practice. But we are used to this type of schedule and weren’t sweating it.

But still, wild hamsters are nothing to be laughed at (well, they totally are, but I digress.) Due diligence calls for me to phone the pediatrician and make sure we just need some antibiotic cream and a lecture about keeping our kids away from wild animals. Blah blah blah. Until the nurse says you need to go to the ER for observation for rabies. Say what? Shit just got real. Hello Unexpected and Strange. Frickin’ hamsters!

We know the drill. Divide and conquer is the only way to react aka survive. Dad gets the ER visit while I do the middle school shuffle, completely distracted by the fact my youngest son is Old Yeller. Didn’t they put that dog down in the end? But please, let me focus on how middle school is a journey, a story, a…what the heck, I wasn’t listening until I received the text that we were free and clear of rabies. Phew, glad that moment of crazy is over! Much happier, I reengage and run my new middle schooler to soccer practice and come home. Home sweet home. Time to relax.

But then I go into the oldest’s room to gather his clothes from his hamper and see a strange sight on the floor. His sheets. Wait! Shit had already gotten real once – I cannot deal with more Unexpected and Strange! He’s 11, he’s been moody, he’s getting close to puberty. Holy crap, it can only be a wet dream! Can. Not. Deal. I frantically text his dad – the only explanation for him to strip his sheets is because they are dirty and the only reason they can be dirty is because he is getting to that dreaded age. Girl moms, you get that first period.* Us boy moms have to have the wet dream, which I want to say is way grosser because Tampax doesn’t make anything for that. Rabies and wet dreams in one night? I have hit the motherload of Unexpected and Strange. I am having a quick word with a higher power that doesn’t mind explicit language and my husband promises to have a word with the oldest son when he picks him up from soccer. I impatiently wait for answers from both. 

Eventually everyone is home. I tentatively ask my sweaty 11 year old why his sheets are on the floor, mentally bracing for yet another sex talk. He looks at me and says, “You told me to strip my sheets – that you were going to wash the sheets today.” Now, it is entirely believable that I might have said these words and completely don’t remember it. I am getting old. But I think it is easier to believe that my oldest had a wet dream than to believe he actually listened to me. Now that is truly Unexpected and Strange. 

All in all the night ended without rabies or wet dreams – what a relief on all accounts! And knowing my babies, I’m sure I’ll be having these concerns again for both of them. Next time I will be prepared though and life will have to try a little harder to be Unexpected and Strange. Not that I’m daring it! I’m good. Cockiness is over! I’ve been humbled. 

*Girl moms, you so have to watch this. Funniest thing I have ever seen. This is my gift to you:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEcZmT0fiNM

Summer Lovin' Had Me a Blast or Hold the Sunscreen

It is the last day of summer – well the last day of summer break. I don’t think anyone is excited to go back, which is funny because I never left – I worked all summer long. But I digress….the KIDS are going back and we all know, that’s really all that matters because they are all little suns that we simply orbit, tending to every need and making sure there’s always a clean swimsuit available. But I won’t dispute that there really is something about summer break that feels magical. There is a certain attitude of laissez faire – where late nights watching fireflies and movies and eating junk food is acceptable. It’s a 3 month long vacation mentality and it is coming to a close. Sigh.

Or is it? Do we really have to give up our summer attitude? What if we treat every day like summer – with that sense of fun and excitement? Do we have to give up impromptu trips to the park and picnics because we have to be in school all day? Heck, I was at work all day and still celebrated summer.  I feel like the Grinch when he realizes that Christmas isn’t about the wrappings and presents but about the feeling you have in your heart. My summer heart just grew three sizes. Now I’m not talking about going all Pintrest on you or skipping Halloween or Thanksgiving (I am talking about skipping May Day though – seriously. That day is crap.) But maybe instead of acting all “homework and busy schedules” we start looking for those pockets of time for fun. Maybe you already do this. And if so, I tip my cute summer hat to you and say “Good for you – you should have blogged about this sooner!”

Now I’m not telling you to go crazy and not make up those meals in advance (it’s the only way to survive the jungle that is sports/music/homework/friends) or ignore the spelling words. But this year while I’m juggling how much homework there is, getting to sports practice, and washing uniforms in time, I’m going to try to keep the summer spirit in my heart. I’m going to try to stop and enjoy the small moments and have spontaneous unstructured fun when we’ve got a chance. 

Don’t get me wrong – I love fall. I really do and my Type A personality thrives on crazy – honestly, unstructured time makes me a bit tweaky. I want to know what homework is due, I love watching all the sports, I enjoy having a set schedule that by the end of the day makes me feel accomplished for managing. So a summer attitude is really a challenge for me – even in the summer. It requires me to look for that carefree moment that I usually try to avoid, to not constantly have a set serious agenda for every day. I’m going to admit, I did keep a list of fun things we could do so I had something to fall back on if we had a free moment. But they were fun things like farmer’s markets, parks, events. So I’m going to make one for the fall so I can remember to sneak in the fun stuff with the work. Who said summer ends in August? It’s only begun.

New School Year's Mom Resolutions 2015

 Ah, another summer comes to an end and we find ourselves about to embark on a year full of promise – promise of yet another insane schedule of sports practices, homework, school drama, school lunches and extra laundry. It’s almost like a new year – the school year. And nothing kicks off a new year like resolutions. So here are my New School Year’s Mom Resolutions for 2015!

New School Year’s Mom Resolutions 2015

1. I will only serve chicken nuggets and mac and cheese once a week. I know this is an awesome meal for you. It feels like an awesome meal for me too because I have to use a stove top AND an oven to make it, which means I’m practically Julia Childs. But I am pretty sure that your pediatrician would frown if he found out this made the menu more than once a week. Unless dad and I are going on a date because then this falls under the “Babysitter Dinner” category and doesn’t actually count.

2. I will leave cutesie notes in your school lunch only a few times a semester. Look, I feel like a Pinterest mom when I do this and that feels good to me. Parents magazine actually writes whole articles about the school lunch note! But while my kindergartener will find this cool, my middle schooler will find this mortifying. Bear with me – there are times throughout my day that I just want to give you a hug and this is the only way I can sort of do that. And I know that my older son will love the note secretly, but will hide it under his bag of chips. (Yes there is a bag of chips in the lunch  - don’t judge!) Which brings us to number 3…

3. All school lunches will only have a bag of chips OR a dessert, but not both. I really don’t need to hear it from Facebook, Parents magazine, any and all parenting articles and my pediatrician that you need to eat healthier. I know. I also know that the crunch of a carrot is simply not as satisfying as a chip nor is fruit truly nature’s dessert. In fact, my personal philosophy is that if dessert has fruit in it, then it is considered a fruit group, not dessert and you are justified to grab chocolate as soon as you can. (But what about banana splits you ask? That sounds like fruit covered in milk to me! Help yourself to a piece of chocolate cake…after the banana split. You deserve it for eating so well!) BUT I love you and do want you to be healthy while wanting to be a somewhat of a cool mom so I’ll make a concession. Dessert or chips but not both. Unless dad makes the lunch because then we all know it’s a free for all.

4. I will not to yell at you for not getting out of bed on time more than twice a week. I’m going to try to be zen mom while also knowing this isn’t my natural steady state. So offering three days a week of being the mom who gently gets you dressed and eating breakfast on a schedule seems like a stretch goal to me, but I’m going to shoot for the stars this year. Three days. That’s what you are getting. I’d suggest you try moving in the mornings so that we can all see this one through.

5. This year I am straddling a kindergartener and a sixth grader. Those are opposite sides of the spectrum for moms. I will try my best to remember my audience based on the child. For example, both boys playing football this year. I will do my best to keep my overly exuberant cheering to a dull roar during the kindergartener’s flag football games while coming decked out in school spirit for my sixth grader’s tackle football games. In my defense, I used to be an aerobics instructor and part of the gig was cheerfully yelling at people to MOVE! I really can’t help it…

I was going to keep going but who am I kidding. This is a gargantuan list as it is. I was feeling pretty confident in goals 1-3 but I think goal 4 is a deal breaker and I’ve failed at number 5 in the past. But this is a new year right? That’s what resolutions are all about!

And now for a resolution to all my mom friends out there: Every time I do something AMAZING, like make a bunch of food from scratch all in one day and freeze it because I am so organized it’s hateful or cut my kiddo’s lunch sandwich into fun shapes, I promise not to post it on Facebook. Well, not EVERY time. I need to brag a little but I will save it for the times I am feeling like a failure in other areas or have done something so truly above and beyond, angels are singing (like the Moose’s birthday cake I made – seriously, did you see it?) I ask that you make the same resolution. And if you are on board, I will know that when you post that you made your kid’s Halloween costume by hand and it is unbelievable, you really truly need a pat on the back because you are feeling low, not because you are gloating at how you are a Pinterest mom. (Save the gloating for Pinterest.) I’ll be under the assumption from here on that you are amazing even if you yelled at the kids to gettheheckoutofbedalready AND served chicken nuggets for dinner that night. We are all in this together.


P.S.  I never did find the elusive orange plastic folder that was on the school supply list. The secret is out: It does not exist. Suggested teacher resolution for next year? Only request school supply items that can be found in one store location.