The Crappy Soccer Mom or Hypocritical Me

For years I’ve been reading the blogs and articles about how parents should act during kids’ sports. We should always be supportive. We shouldn’t yell or get frustrated. We should make sports fun, not work. At the younger ages, we don’t keep score because sports aren’t about winning. And I’ve always nodded along, agreeing and of course pointing fingers at those parents that get uptight and scream at their kids during games. Wow, they are crappy parents! Little did I know that I was turning into one of them.

To my defense, this isn’t how I started. I was very granola about sports when The Moose first started playing. “It’s not about winning or losing; it’s about having fun!” It turns out that this is an easy attitude to have when your child is athletic. And let’s be honest, winning is more fun than losing. And if kids are supposed to be able to count to a hundred before they go to kindergarten, then you can sure as heck bet that they now how to keep score no matter how much you tell them that points don’t matter.

For the past eight years I’ve watched my oldest play his heart out on every field and court. And it’s been a blast – even in intense games where I’m biting my nails, I’ve been having fun. If he lost, I knew that he had tried his hardest and those Full House moments of “What matters most is that you left it all on the court” were easily delivered and truthfully meant. Now I’ve not been the perfect parent. I’ve had moments where I criticized too much and learned my lesson of when to back off and when to wait to give feedback. But I felt like I had this sport-parent role down pretty solid.

Then along came The Rock. While highly competitive, he is also eclectic. His interests range from music to science to sports. He wants to be just like his big brother (on good days) and play sports too. Or so he says. I’m beginning to suspect he just wants the uniform…I should have known what was to happen next when he seemed more overly concerned about putting embellishments on his cleats than about kicking around the ball.

As I did with The Moose, I volunteered to coach The Rock with his U6 soccer team. I’m trying my best to be the fun coach, putting in lots of games at practice and openly admitting that I know very little about soccer (as The Moose can attest.) Practices are a bit challenging with The Rock as he and I have a very special relationship called “See How Much We Can Push Each Other’s Buttons in the Name of Love.” But otherwise, I am surviving. Until I had to coach our first game.

As I said earlier, kids can count. And no matter what you say, they are keeping score. And we are getting slaughtered. It’s 10+ to 1 and regardless of what I’m saying, the kids know that we are not tied. As a competitive person, I’ll admit, I’m getting a bit frustrated for the kids. Losing sucks – even “we aren’t keeping score” losing sucks. But they are working hard out there on the field and I’m trying to find positives to keep them going.

Except for one player - The Rock. He’s out there prancing around, half-heartedly following the ball. He’s carrying on conversations with me, the other coach, the players and himself more than he’s playing a soccer game. And all he wants to know is how many more minutes he has to play.

Oh, I was pissed. He TOLD me he wanted to play soccer. He is the reason why I am giving up my Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings. And here he is, asking me what’s for lunch at 10:15 a.m. All I wanted to do was yell at him to run after the goddamn ball and get his shit together! I must admit, it took all of my restraint to not swear on the field.

Then he asked me why I hadn’t high-fived him during the game. And I told him maybe if he’d start playing some soccer, he’d get a high-five. And that was the moment I realized I was one of those shitty parents that becomes overly competitive during sports. Because here’s the truth: It’s easy to be supportive when your kid is good in sports. It is not easy to be supportive when your kid, regardless of his ability, sucks. And I’m not saying The Rock sucks at sports – quite the contrary. He could be very good – he’s definitely got the competitive spirit and he’s got talent…when he wants to show it. And that’s the rub. He just doesn’t want to play competitively – at least not yet. He wants to simply play. And I’m not used to that. I’m used to a kid that comes out of a game sweating, always looking to improve his performance regardless if it was a win or a loss. I’m not used to a kid that wants to make dirt fireworks (I am not making that up – that’s what The Rock told me he was doing as he threw dirt clods in the air during the game.)

I have always appreciated that The Rock marches to his own drummer. He is the kid that will be opening art galleries, making new chemicals in a lab and putting on fashion shows. And this is something I absolutely love about him. But I thought he’d do that while kicking around a soccer ball too. Guess I’m wrong. I realized that maybe some kids just need support because they got out there and played even if it wasn’t their most favorite thing to do. And that deserves cheering too – because doing something you don’t love is just as hard as playing your heart out when you love the sport – in fact, it’s harder because you don’t have that drive that pushes you when you are tired. And I didn’t deliver. I guess we both were screwing up on that soccer field Saturday.

So this week, I’m reforming. I’m still not going to let The Rock wear a bunch of bling to a game but this time he will get a high-five for simply being out there. I know he’s not always going to be a contributing member to his team. And that’s still going to piss me off - I can't lie. But I’m going to remember that he gave soccer a try and that’s going to have to be enough for me. He’s only 5 and that’s too early to predict his future. Who knows, maybe if I play my cards right, he’ll eventually fall in love with a sport and want to give it his all. Or maybe he’ll just start designing soccer shoes and make millions. Either way, I’m going to find my peace with it and cheer him on regardless if I’m at a soccer tournament or sitting by the catwalk.

My 2015 Annual Review for the Job Title: MOM

2015 Annual Review for the Position of MOM

I’d like to start this year’s annual review by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to sit down with me to discuss my performance. By the nature of our relationship, I know that all conversations must usually revolve around your bodily functions, dinosaurs, or what your brother has done to you lately. So I really do appreciate the thought you’ve put into this. Also, thank you for taking into consideration that I didn’t go to school to be Mom; working my way up through the company has been an eventful and educational 11 years. I am grateful for the opportunity to advance in this company.

Before we formally begin my review, I must note that this year’s continuous feedback has been extremely helpful. They always say that an annual review shouldn’t be a surprise. Knowing that you have been dissatisfied with my service and policies during various times of the year provided real-time feedback that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I always learn something from these conversations. For example, after I threw away the Moose’s math homework by accident, I apologized profusely and announced that I was a “crappy mom.” When the Rock said, “yes, that’s what I always say,” I was able to take that constructive criticism and really work with it. Knowing that status quo is “crappy” has really helped me set some reachable goals, such as being mediocre, unfair and not-sucky.

Ah yes, you’d like to talk about some specific examples of when my work could be improved. Great idea.

Quitting Time aka Bedtime: You are right, I have been knocking off early each day. While I know that the work day should last until you fall soundly asleep, there are times I have a difficult time remaining friendly past 9 p.m. when your bedtime is 8:30 p.m. I know my demeanor deteriorates as the day progresses and after dinner, night time activities, brushing teeth and reading stories, I do sometimes fall short on patience after I’ve told you 8 times to go to bed and stop poking your brother in the eye for God’s sake!  I will work on remaining cheerful from the hours of 4:30 a.m. – 10:30 p.m. You are absolutely correct – 6 hours of rest is plenty. I’ve been lazy.

Refreshments aka Meals: I understand you have been unhappy with your table service lately. I deeply apologize. I felt I was following corporate guidelines by offering a variety of food choices at mealtimes, but I see I have misunderstood the policies. By variety, you meant different kinds of pizza, not different foods themselves. Now your groan over the answer to “what’s for dinner” makes more sense to me. And you have a point – I should always be prepared to answer the question “what’s for dinner?” regardless of time of day or situation. Just pulling into the driveway after a day of work is no excuse for not being able to answer this simple yet critical question.
Oh, and snacks. Yes, I know you are have been dissatisfied with the snack schedule and options. The “cool” snacks have been exhausted by Tuesday afternoon and you are left with crackers, cheese, fruit, veggies and cereal bars as options. I will work more closely with the purchasing department to better plan for our week.

Company Outings: First, I’d like to thank you for giving me the responsibility of planning the company outings. Yes, I know sometimes I do better at this than other times. I will work harder to schedule Skyzone into every weekend – obviously it’s a time management issue on my part. Between basketball tournaments, house showings, birthday parties and general upkeep of the house, I have had a hard time fitting in activities that are clearly detrimental to your well-being. I will adjust my priorities accordingly. Your idea about automatically including a pack of Pokemon cards and a visit to the toy section into every trip to Target will be taken into consideration. Also, I will do a better job of preparing you for the “length of the list” for the grocery store. I understand it would be more convenient for you if I did these things when you were not around or sleeping.

Procurement Procedures: I was pretty sure you were going to bring up last week’s soccer shoe debacle. Again, I was under the impression we were supposed to run a quick ROI before making purchases which is why I declined your request for $40 soccer shoes for your U6 spring soccer season and requested you choose a pair of $27 soccer shoes instead. I now understand that I neglected to take into account that the $40 pair of soccer shoes had a skull on them, which made up for the fact that you would wear them for a total of 16 hours (8 weeks of soccer x (1 hour game + 1 hour weekly practice)). Obviously my math was wrong and didn’t include the part of the equation for the cool factor. While I cannot make up for your broken heart (again, thanks for the real-time feedback!), I did practice drawing skulls for 1 hour so I could add them to your soccer shoes personally. I know it does not adequately make up for my misjudgment but I have learned a valuable lesson. I have learned how to draw skulls.

I appreciate that you have taken it upon yourself to set my goals for the next year.

1. Reply to the words “Hey Mom” the first time, regardless of what other activities I am undertaking.
a. Stretch goal: Reply to multiple requests of “Hey Mom” simultaneously.

2. Purchase candy every time you must attend the dreaded grocery store trip.
a. Stretch goal: Purchase candy for you every time I go to the grocery store or really anywhere with candy whether you are there or not.

3. Update our bedtime routine to include a floating hour, endless stories and less hygiene.
a. Stretch goal: Lay in bed with you until you fall asleep at 10 p.m. and THEN make your lunch, clean up the house, etc. Obviously these personal agenda items should not take place during “your time.”

4. Stop “breaking your heart” every day with unjust policies.
a. Stretch goal: Anticipate said “heart breaking” activities before they happen.

I believe my merit raise of 2 less brotherly fights/day is more than generous. I would have been happy with just 1 less brotherly fight/day. I will work hard to earn that raise. I look forward to your continuous efforts to make me an acceptable mom and next year’s annual review.