Scars Are For the Living or Nothing Worth Doing Is Easy

Happy birthday to me! Birthdays are always a time for reflection for me. There is nothing I love more than a new goal or an excuse to start something new. It’s also a time to look back and think about what worked and what just sucked. And honestly, these past two years have been doozies. So many challenges and so many scars.

Old news: Right after I turned 39 I went in for knee surgery. It ended up being pretty significant surgery that continues to impact my daily life. For example, today I canceled my spot in spin class because I’m having a hard time walking without limping. Why? Who the hell knows. Maybe because my knee is officially another year older and decided to remind me that I’m not 23 anymore. Knees are bitches. They act all nice and then take you out at the…knees.

My 40^th year, that was going to be my year to crush it. And well, it turned out to be crushing instead. I thought I had done hard before. Nope. That is laughable compared to the year I am surviving. There were days where I just waved the white flag and acknowledged that getting dressed was going to be my grand accomplishment. I’m not going to lie – I’m still having those days – they are just thankfully fewer and farther between.

Over these past 730 days I’ve accumulated more and more scars. Some of them you can see and some you can’t. But they are all deep and they still sting. But I read a line in a book several years ago that puts things in perspective. It goes a little something along the lines of “Scars may not be pretty. But scars don’t form on dead people.” That is totally not exactly what it said, but you get the gist. If we are fully living, we are going to get banged up and bruised in this life. And we get to decide if we are going to walk around like a dead person, perpetually bleeding out of that wound. Let me say that hey, it’s okay to walk around bleeding for a while. You have to. The body doesn’t just instantly heal if it’s been hurt. But you have a choice to live too. And if you are going to live, then you are going to need to let that hurt heal, to stitch itself up, otherwise you are not fully living. No one wants to walk around spouting blood and guts everywhere. Does that mean that the stitches don’t open sometimes? They will. Living means joy and it also means pain. Sometimes a big wound will still get little cuts around it. There will be days it will swell up and you'll need to slow down physically and emotionally. But friends, please let that big wound start to heal. Have patience. You will want to feel better right away because feeling like shit sucks. You’ll have to just live in that garbage for a while though I’m sorry to say. It will get better if you let it. 

You are not going to be the same. Scars make us look different. That’s because big changes are just that – changes. You are going to be different as you heal. You are going to change. There is no going back to the way things were. You get to decide whether you want to wallow in that fact or if you want to live on with this new look, this new reality. You can be stronger if you choose or you can decide you want to live your life sitting on the couch watching Netflix all day. Of course if the new season of Stranger Things just dropped, you have my permission to binge watch that until you are done.

So despite all of the mess this year has been, it has been fantastic. Not fun, but fantastic. I have gotten to grow this year. I have been challenged to be a better person than I knew was possible. Am I happy? Um, I’m not sure I can say I’m happy. But the scars are slowing knitting together. I can see that and that makes me happy.

This year I’ve been able to grow in patience, tolerance, kindness, compassion and love. The Dalai Lama says the first four are the path to happiness. Maybe they are – who am I to argue with a religious leader? And those five things sound like amazing ways to live your life, right? But they are just words until you learn what it means to live them. From my experience, you don’t learn to live those words until you are challenged in ways that make it impossible to live them. That’s when you discover what you are capable of - this is the good stuff - when you get the chance to grow. Patience is taking a deep breath and tolerating situations that seem unbearable. Some things just can’t be fixed or at least not quickly. Living in the unknown and having faith it will get better - that is patience.  Tolerance is being around toxic people and looking beyond the outside crust and understanding their motives, which are never personal, no matter how much they feel that way. Kindness is giving grace when you feel like the person does not deserve it. Compassion is going beyond what you feel, no matter how deep, and caring about how the other person feels, even if they inflicted the wound. And love. Boy, aren’t we all loving people? Love is a great sentiment until you are asked to love someone who feels unlovable to you. Love isn’t reciprocal. You can love someone and they will not love you back. That’s their choice. But it’s your choice to give that love anyway. Because that is your power and that is in your control. 

It is so easy to be nasty, to take revenge, to say the spiteful thing. God help me, that is what I am so good at. Words are my weapons and I can take you down at the smallest infraction. Sadly, I can still be this way sometimes. But true control and power is rising above that and giving grace. It doesn’t feel as satisfying in the moment but further down the line, it is the wiser choice. I can’t control how others treat me or how they feel about me. But I can control my actions, basing them on who I am and who I want to be. I want to be patient, kind, tolerant, compassionate, honest, loving and truthful. I cannot grow in those areas unless I am challenged to be more than I am today. I have learned to say how I feel even though I know it will be scoffed at, ridiculed and stomped on. And it is hard to watch your true emotions be kicked in the dirt. But truth is one of my pillars – I know this now. I will not regret saying what I mean if it comes from a place of love, grace and truth.

So this year. It’s been a real bitch. But I’m better for it. The scars make me stronger and humble. They have taught me who I am and have given me opportunities to push myself in my humanity. It has not been enjoyable. But nothing worth doing ever came from easy. Here's to another amazing year! 

8 Simple Ways You Can Help Me Take a Nap or A Memo to Management RE Nap Time

MEMO

TO: The Management, Moose and Squirrel

FROM: Director of Operations, Mom

RE: REQUEST FOR NAP TIME

I would like to submit my proposal for time off. I would like to institute irregular nap times, in 60 minute intervals, on very occasional days. My rationale is that my usual work day is scheduled from 6 a.m. – 9 p.m. with a 24-hour on call commitment.  While I try to schedule my PTO between 4:15 – 6 a.m. daily, I am finding that in order to perform at my best, I would do best with a 60-minute nap twice a month, during a time when we are not running in circles. I would ensure that you are fed, entertained and not in a scheduled activity requiring transportation during this potential hour-long nap.

The benefits to management of granting these periodic nap times would be that I might finally remember school picture day, stay awake to watch a full movie with you, and be more enthusiastic for a 90-minute session of Chutes and Ladders after a long workday. Overall, I believe the ROI for nap time outweighs the lost productivity I’ll experience by taking these time outs.

I will need your support to conduct these nap times efficiently. Here are eight simple things you can do to help me execute these proposed nap times. While reviewing this list, please remember the ROI of this proposal as I know that some of these requests will be challenging.

1. Don’t talk to me. If you are talking to me, you will expect a response. A sleeping person cannot respond. I will get you a glass of milk in one hour. Or you may submit your request to the Assistant Director of Operations, your dad.

2. Don’t whisper to me. When I say “please do not talk to me” and you lean in and whisper instead, you seem to not realize that this is the same thing as talking. Even if you lean in REALLY close to my face and whisper. That actually makes it louder and harder to ignore, plus you are now breathing directly on my face. Whispering = talking. Please see item one on this list for an explanation of item two.

3. Do not invite your friends over. I know your personal pleasure is priority one in our organization, however, more people in the house usually increases the noise level. And I also feel that as the Director of Operations, I must be conscious and responsible if other children are in the house. Your friends are absolutely welcome to come over…in one hour.

4. Don’t turn the volume up on the TV. It seems that this would be an obvious request but somehow the reasoning is that if I am napping on the sofa, you think I want to hear the television in my sleep. This is an error on my side for not being more clear that I would like to sleep and not watch Sharknado 4…again.

5. Don’t snuggle with me to help me sleep. I understand that this one sounds like something you SHOULD do doesn’t it? Who doesn’t love to fall asleep snuggling? Even I think snuggling sounds amazing. And yet, your definition of snuggling means to wiggle constantly. And wiggling wakes me up. Especially if you are larger than me (I’m talking to you Moose.) If you lay down next to me, you must act like a statue. A nontalking statue if I’m making requests.

6. Don’t fight over who gets to sit next to me. Wrestling on top of me while I am trying to relax is actually counterproductive for me and inevitably I end of getting kneed in the ribs. We either need to schedule who gets to sit by me or institute a rule that I nap alone. I will leave this decision up to management. I just request that you don’t make this decision while physically fighting next to me during this nap.

7. Don’t start a new project that you don’t know how to do. No, I don’t know how to start your science kit. Yes, you should probably wear gloves – wait, what? Stop. Just stop what you are doing. You don’t have to try a new thing when I’m trying to take a quick time out. Just wait. You can do it. And if you do, I might have the energy to help you when I get up. I believe I mentioned this in my rationale in the body of my memo.

8. And don’t be TOO quiet. You and I both know that when you are too quiet, you are usually doing something you shouldn’t. Like playing on your iPad when it’s technology free day. Or mixing weird drinks in the kitchen. Just make a little bit of a rustling sound, like leaves in the fall. That would be perfect. I can fall asleep to rustling leaves. But pure silence will wake me up in a panic.

I hope to hear back from management soon regarding my proposal. In the meantime, I will continue to drink coffee and soda throughout the day to stay awake. We only have track, soccer and swimming on the agenda for today. I will start baking the tomorrow’s muffins later tonight, as soon as we finish your math homework.