I was at my annual exam the other day and I realized that I dreaded stepping on the scale more than my pap smear. The annual witnessed weigh in leads to uncomfortable small talk while everyone tries to ignore those three little numbers the nurse writes down. But during my pap smear? Cheerful chatter about vacations and the latest antics of my children. I don't even bat an eye anymore while being probed. It occurred to me that motherhood has stripped me of all semblance of modesty. Motherhood has made me exposed in more ways than one.
I don't know when it happened. Before I was pregnant, the thought of those awful doctor's office gowns made me shutter, because no matter what you do, you are always showing off part of your ass. Just make them bigger people! Even during the first pregnancy I was shy about the usual examinations. Until I had what people innocently call a "pelvic exam" which I like to call the "you-aren't-doing-that-again-unless-I'm-drugged" exam. At that point, I thought 1)Whatthehell? and 2) How is this baby supposed to come out when I thought that sucked?
Breast feeding the Moose, I tried for a while to cover up so I wouldn't expose myself to anyone in the room. But then the Moose had colic and I gave up modesty in an effort to quickly and effectively quiet him down with my boob - this did not help of course because colic is God's little gift to people who need to learn that they can't control everything.
But the coup de gras was Rocco's delivery. Any modesty I had held on to through Max's first 5 years went out the window as I was being raced down the hallway, spread eagle, with a nurse riding my bed with her arm up to her elbow in my woo hoo. Please don't ask me where the sheet was. I don't think it made it for the ride. A few days later when the Rock's explosion into the world settled, I asked Peter to please tell me exactly how many people saw (what Peter calls) my va-jay-jay. "Not too many," was his response, which, unless you are a stripper, is too many people. For a brief second, I cocked my head, thought, "huh" and then went about my day of whipping my boob out whenever Rocco fussed. Exposure was now just a part of my life as a mom.
See, motherhood is a tough game. Perhaps the reason we have to go into the doctor so frequently for examinations during pregnancy is so that we get used to being exposed to the world. Frankly, letting the whole world see my "business" was just a small taste of how exposed you are as a mother. When you are a mother, you recognize that your heart is out there running on the playground, holding your hand at the mall, and sleeping in their crib. Your emotions and what feels like your physical being are impacted by your child's experiences every day. You have no defense - at least I have not yet found a way to shield myself from the everyday exposure of being a mom. Whether your child is picked last for the team or is fighting with bullies on the bus, it strikes you to your core. Our children's victories and challenges are our own. When we see the babies' faces at Sandy Hook, I know I wasn't the only one who literally sobbed, because we know that those babies were really their parents' hearts and souls.
Being a mom makes you vulnerable. Thank goodness children are worth it. Plus, it makes that annual pap smear look like a breeze.
Quick footnote to my parents in case they are reading this: Really sorry about jumping out of a plane to try skydiving. I see now how this might have stressed you out slightly and realize how watching the video of myself careening out of a plane perhaps was not as entertaining to you as it was to me. It was actually pretty fun and I'm glad I did it. But at least now I can understand why you weren't as enthusiastic.
