Admit it. We
have been competing since the day we had our kids. I know I have and even if
you want to take the higher road, deep down, I know you have been too. We’ve
been competing for the Best Parent Award since our little ones popped out of
the womb. I know you are reading those blogs about how we are all “doing our
best and that’s okay.” And I’ve probably even written one (or many) along those
lines. And to those I just want to quote Dr. Phil and say "Get Real." You wouldn’t have
written that blog if you weren’t trying to point out how awesome you are at
“just letting go” or being “hands free” – I am on to you!
It all started
with birth. Did you go natural or did you use drugs? Just how many hours of
labor were YOU in? How big of an episiotomy did you have? Look folks, I never
said this contest wasn’t dirty – in fact, it is downright disgusting. To be
honest, I don’t want to hear how much you “ripped” (holding back gag reflex) or
if you had to be cut. Some details aren’t worth rehashing. I concede on this
one – you win. I had an easy labor! I don’t even want to compete!
But on other
fronts, I’m right up there in the starting blocks. Sometimes our competition is
more obvious. Like when our kindergartners have to create a dinosaur and bring
it to school. You could tell the seasoned parents from the newbies like I was.
I thought my kid was supposed to lead the project. Turns out I’m just supposed
to let him paint it carefully after I have constructed a life-sized dinosaur
out of Paper Mache. Lesson learned. The second kid starts kindergarten next year
and I’m already drawing up the blueprints!
Do you bake
cookies from scratch or are they store bought? Oh, let’s lament how we can’t
bake our own cupcakes for the school birthday snack, hand decorated because we
went to the cake decorating class at Michaels, when in actuality, I’d probably
buy the cupcakes anyway because I don’t have time to bake and I couldn’t frost
the broad side of a house respectably. I will probably defriend you if you tell
me you only use apple sauce for sugar – I like my cupcakes fully leaded. Are
you the mom who shows up dressed in a cute outfit, in full makeup, at the field
trip? I saw it as a day to go “slumming” in nonbusiness-casual attire. Did you
catch that there? I’m so secure with my mom-ness, that I DON’T EVEN NEED TO
DRESS UP FOR FIELD TRIPS – right there I’m competing. It’s a sickness! Can.
Not. Stop!
And as we are
nearing Halloween, do you go out and buy your costume or do you make it by
hand? Oh, it was easy to stitch up that authentic Native American Pocahontas
costume? No it wasn’t – and I tip my hat to you. You are the winner winner
chicken dinner. And you also limit your child to one piece of candy and then
sell the rest to the dentist? You get the award for Healthiest Parent but I’ll
win Coolest Parent when I let my kid inhale candy on Halloween and even let
them have a piece for breakfast the next morning. Look, you have to know your
strengths.
This isn’t a
blog about how we should just all get along and be secure with who we are
exactly as we are, stretch marks and tummy tucks hugging it out over the
homemade healthy snacks and artificially colored juice boxes. I’m just saying
maybe we can admit that we are all a bit competitive and just ONCE want to be
noticed as Best in Show in this lifelong contest of being a parent.
There’s really
nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. We aren’t bitchy beauty
queens, sabotaging the boob tape. Instead
I think of us as X-Games athletes – after an amazing run doing a cool new
snowboarding trick, we all high five and want to learn it. And when we wipe out
and fail epically, we reach out a hand to help you on your feet again, and then
call the medic.
This parent
stuff is a marathon not a sprint. I’m going to openly admit that I don’t win
everything, nor should I. If you don’t win this round for having Technology Free Tuesday
(oh yes my dearest girlfriend, I’m pointing at you), I have nothing to strive
for. I have a girlfriend that dresses up for Walmart and seeing her made me
realize I had been slacking off a little too much in the appearance category –
there’s nothing wrong with slapping on a little makeup to feel good about
yourself. Watching you do something better than I do makes me think whether
that’s a change I want to make - will it make me or my children happier or healthier?
Staying off our screens one night a week? Probably. And you inspire me to try
to compete, to be better than I am right now. So lace them up friends, I’ve got
a dinosaur and sugary cupcakes to make.
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