Dear Babies,
My Dear Boys. You are growing up in a time when innocence is
hard to protect. Every time I turn on the news I risk you learning about the
evils of the world. We rush to report the tragic and insane and ignore the
beautiful things around us. There is no shielding you from human behavior
anymore because even if I don’t watch the news, it’s on the radio, discussed in
school and on the playground. So instead of blocking it, we are going to talk
about it. We are going to make sure you understand empathy and compassion for
your fellow human beings.
A perfect example of this is the news about Joe Biden. We love Joe Biden. And Joe Biden is being accused of touching women without their permission. “But what’s the big deal? Look at what Trump did!” you say. Sigh. Yes. But it still doesn’t make it okay. We need to respect personal boundaries, even if you are Joe Biden. Now I have the task of explaining the male-female dynamic to you, in a time where you are also influenced by people who think it is overblown and silly. How do I explain the #metoo movement to you? Do I start with the history of how women have been constantly harassed? Do I explain your role in society and how it differs from mine? Do I point out every time a woman is marginalized so you begin to see it? I need you to understand it with compassion and the only way I know how to do that is to make it personal. Maybe I just start of by telling you what my experience is like as a woman.
Let me preface this by saying that I am so lucky that I am a woman living in the United States. And nothing truly traumatic has happened to me. What I am about to tell you are stories of what women consider just common occurrences about growing up as female. But I know they are things you will likely not experience because you are boys. And that is the entire problem and why we have #metoo.
I’d like to start off by saying I love men. Men have been
some of my favorite friends. I love joking with them, sharing stories, getting
their insight. I guess I’ve always looked at people like they are people and
not so much as their gender. And I have some amazing men that are my friends
and family. And look at you two beautiful boys – I love you like you are the
breath I take each day because you are. So now that that has been said, let me
tell you about some not so awesome moments that are normal for women to
experience.
Do I tell you about the time I was working in a restaurant and one of the kitchen workers shoved me against a wall and held me there to try and kiss me? I pushed and shoved and squirmed until I got out of there and then, went back to work with a smile on my face because when you are a girl, you “man” up and do what you have to do, no matter how fast your heart is beating. There wasn’t anything to report to the manager because I got away. And even if he had kissed me, unless it’s rape, you don’t talk about it because you are just "overblowing" the situation. You should want to be kissed by whomever and whenever. Except you don’t.
There was the time when I lived with a roommate and someone left a threatening note on our hall floor by our door that said he was coming to fuck the blonde bitch in the black leather coat. My roommate looked at me and said, you are the only one wearing a black leather coat Jen. We called the cops and I started carrying mace because simply living in my apartment had become dangerous because some random stranger decided that he could inflict fear and threaten my safety. I felt silly that my roommate called the cops despite a threat on my safety. Until something actually happens, you are just supposed to put up with unwanted comments like that. But you shouldn’t.
How about the time I was doing my observation hours for the athletic training program at my university and I was watching a football player receive a treatment in the treatment room. The head professional athletic trainer for a Big 12 university looked at me and another student doing her observation hours and tilted his head at us and said to the football player, “Which one of these is yours?” Before you think this is simply a case of misunderstanding, we were both in the athletic trainer uniform of unattractive khakis and red, blue or white polos. The football player just looked puzzled and the trainer said, “So neither of these is yours?” No sir, neither of us “belong” to this football player. Clearly we are here to watch you as a professional administer therapy and evidently treat us like we are just a piece of property to be claimed. It was then I decided that athletic training wouldn’t be my career field. I couldn’t deal with the sexism I was realizing I would experience. Hopefully things have changed greatly since the mid-90s. Women are not property.
And remember when your dad and I were talking about whether it is appropriate to “wolf whistle” at a woman? Let me clear that up once and for all. It’s not appropriate. First, women are not dogs to be whistled at, even if you approve of how we look. We don’t actually care if you like how we look because we got dressed for ourselves that day. If you think we are pretty or smart or funny, be a human and come up and tell us to our face. If you can’t do that, then you aren’t mature enough to talk to us in the first place. Second, it is a “wolf” whistle and wolves are predatory. Nothing in the name says this is a nice polite gesture. Third it makes women feel uneasy and like we are a piece of meat that has been noticed and now we are on guard. That reason alone is enough to justify that you never wolf whistle at a woman. Show respect. Always.
Do you know why I always lock my doors when I go in and pay for my gas or drop off library books? Because if something bad happened to me, it is always assumed to be my fault first for not being extra cautious, or for wearing a skirt or for having long hair. You will not know what it feels like to always scan a parking lot before approaching your car. You will not know what it feels like to second guess getting into an elevator with a stranger. These are my realities. They are the realities of women everywhere.
Let me say it makes me roll my eyes to hear that men don’t want to mentor women now because they are afraid that we are demanding to be treated with respect and apparently, they just don’t know how to do that properly. So it’s not okay to make a comment about how we look anymore? “Well I just can’t trust myself to not be a douchebag when I am in a position to mentor this person.” Look buddy, if you can’t trust yourself to not be an ass, you shouldn’t be a mentor in the first place.
Are these all of the instances of my experiences of being a woman? No. But I don’t need to share all my stories. You see I’m not looking for protection. I’m looking to raise sons that don’t treat people like they are objects or things to overpower. Instead I want you to treat people like they are of value, whether they are men, women, trans, straight, gay, bi, black, white, Christian, Jew, Muslim. Treat people like they are of value until they prove otherwise but I’ll be damned if you will treat them with disrespect because of their gender, orientation, ethnicity, race or religion.
I know it seems like sticky waters but it’s not. It is simply following the Golden Rule, treat others as you wish to be treated. I can guarantee you don’t want to be shoved into walls, dismissed because of your gender or made to feel lucky that “nothing worse happened.” We women are warriors because you do not hear about those every day things we put up with. And now everyone is shocked that women are starting to speak up. But you My Loves are the future. And it is your job to make sure that the people around you feel uplifted and safe. Am I asking for you to treat women differently? I’m not asking for special treatment but I am asking you to watch for instances when you see a woman marginalized or threatened and you are going to be the one to step in and put a stop to it. With great power comes great responsibility. And you were born white males in the United States of America. You were born into privilege. From the beginning I told you about the Four Golden Rules in our house and one of them is to Always Respect Women. And My Loves, this is why. If you love your mama then you love women. And that means being better than the people who came before you, even Joe Biden. #metoo #iloveyou
No comments:
Post a Comment