I’m going to preface this by saying I’m not what you’d call
super religious. I haven’t read the Bible. I have had periods in my life where
I haven’t gone to church in years. I couldn’t sit in a debate and use the Bible
intelligently to make a point. I was raised Catholic, got tired of the judgement
and found a church instead that seems to focus on giving to others and
accepting all people. I’m not sure if I’m doing “religion” right, but I do it
my way – I feel like I’ve got a personal relationship with my God, or higher
power, or whatever you want to call it. But what you are about to read probably
doesn’t follow any specific religious belief other than my own. Oh, and there
will be swears. Because that’s how my God and I talk.
I’m not sure how religion is really supposed to work. I’ve
always believed God feels like you should be a good person and not judge
others. That’s basically what my beliefs are based on. And it feels weird to
say that I believe I’ve had moments in my life where I feel like God has talked
to me because that seems like something that would only happen to devout people.
I swear a lot, can be mean sometimes and am not perfect so why would God talk
to me? But all I know is that I don’t know who else was talking to me in those
conversations because super smart things were said that I didn’t come up with. Is
this normal for everyone else? I don’t know. Either way, it’s happened in some
of my worst times, and it’s how I know that there is a point to all the
craziness of life.
One of the first times I can remember having a chat with God
was after I had my miscarriage. I was out running a 13-mile run (as one often
does after a significant medical event like an idiot) and really, that run was
for punishing my failure of a body. I was just so angry and sad and miserable.
I was out running because I could control my body for 13 miles when I couldn’t
control it to have a baby. That miscarriage was when I learned true sadness. I
remember thinking, “What in the fuck God? How could I have a baby taken away
when there are so many people out there that do drugs and are bad people and
they have babies just fine?” And I distinctly heard, “You got what you wanted.”
I remember exactly where I was when I heard that. I was out on a gravel road,
with the humming of the power lines overhead. If I were being cynical, I would
chalk this whole thing up to the extreme voltage coming off those lines, but
instead I said, “Excuse me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I did not
get what I wanted. I’ve never been more sad in my life.” And the reply, which I
honestly do not think I would have thought of on my own at that moment was,
“You wanted a healthy baby Jenny. And you did not have one. So this one is
gone. You are getting what you wanted” I actually stopped running, put my hands
on my hips, and just processed that. This voice was right. All I wanted was a
healthy baby. If I was going to get what I wanted, then I must need to let this
baby go. Always wanting the last word, I think I replied, “Well, you could have
just given me a healthy one in the first place.” I think God chuckled. But I knew
God was right. It was this moment when I saw that maybe someone did have my
back. I may not be getting what I wanted right now but ultimately I was getting
what I wanted – and I did. I have two amazing sons that own my heart.
Years go by and it’s pretty much radio silence. Which is
fine because I’m good. I remember that voice on the road, but we don’t talk a
whole lot. Maybe we are like when you have that friend that is your best friend
so you can go years without seeing each other and then when you do, it’s like
you were never apart? There is this part of me that wonders if God needs more
from you than that, but God is a busy person so maybe it’s a relief when you
are status quo. But then the Squirrel was born. What an epic disaster. He had a
prolapsed cord and a true knot. This baby wanted to crash into the world (much
like he lives every day) and he did. One of these medical events is an
emergency on its own – to have both things happen with one baby requires more
statistics than I can handle. I woke up from surgery and I don’t know if it was
the drugs or if it was God but all I felt was peace. While everyone around me
was telling me how terrible things were, how the Squirrel probably had brain
damage, that everything went wrong, I knew it would be alright. That whatever
happened next, it would be fine. When people would tell me how nothing went
right, instead I saw intervention. I was able to use a surgery room that was
already prepped for the pregnant mother who was being wheeled down the hall for
HER surgery. The doctors were changing shifts, and the next doctor hadn’t
arrived yet, but they caught the one leaving as he was almost out the
door. There was just a second of air
left in the umbilical cord that saved the Squirrel. I had a nurse who quickly
recognized an emergency and knew exactly what to do – she held the Squirrel’s
head up while she rode the bed with me down to surgery. Nurses would come up to
me during my stay at the hospital and would tell me that the whole floor was
praying for me. The Squirrel was perfect. No one could believe it. I tell him
he has to do great things now because he was saved for a reason. If you don’t
see God in that story, then you need to read it again.
So now I come to present day. Soon I won’t need to keep
writing about my divorce, but right now it’s how I process things. You guys. It
was pretty rough. It was a year of truth after truth after truth. So many
revelations and horrible moments. One night I took a walk. And I said to God, “I can’t believe you threw
me under the bus like this. I thought you had my back but you don’t. Screw you.”
We were done. We were not friends. Don’t even say the word God to me. God had
left me when the chips were down. Don’t tell me that bullshit story about
footprints in the sand. It’s not true and I was only searching for truths at
that point.
Well you can probably predict how this went. It didn’t go
well. It was a year of treading water while waves kept washing over me, choking
me and sending me down. Every day it was a struggle to keep believing things
would get better. Around the end of that year, I was in spin class trying to
block out the fact I was in spin class. I was thinking about how hard
everything was and how I really didn’t know how I had the energy to keep
trying, to keep smiling for my kids, to take more hits that just kept coming.
How do you keep standing up when you keep getting knocked down over and over?
And all of a sudden I thought, what do I have to lose? My way wasn’t working so
that means it’s time to try something different. And I said, “Okay God. Nothing
is working. I give up. Your turn. I know I told you to screw off but that’s
because it seemed like you were really shitting on me there – how could so many
bad things happen to me when I was trying to be a good person? And now I feel
like an ass because I’m giving you a second chance when all I’ve been doing is
giving people second chances lately and frankly that has brought me nothing but
pain. Trying to trust anyone feels like a mistake. But I have nothing left to
lose. Let’s see what you can do.” Not my most gracious conversation but God
overlooked that.
I went home and I opened the Bible. I didn’t even know where
to start. I read a few Psalms. Wow, people felt like garbage back then too. My
heart too has been turned to dust. I get that. My enemies have tried to destroy
me too. Sounds like God has seen this before. I started talking to God again.
“Dude, I just need the energy and the patience to make it through this day
without being ashamed of my reactions. Help me stay true to the person I am
while I go through this.” “God, what the fuck was that? You are going to have
to handle this one. I need a trust fall.” “I am freaking the fuck out. Just
make it better. I’m going to trust you to make it better.”
You know what? God showed up. Turns out I don’t think God
bailed on me at all. That damned footprint story was right. I see now that everything
I experienced simply reinforced the kind of person that I am, what my values
are, who I am deep down. I wouldn’t have learned that without going through the
darkness. What a gift. God gave me the courage to start telling my story and my
one regret is that I didn’t talk to my family and friends sooner. I am humbled
by the amazing people in my life and without the strength they lent me, I
wouldn’t be where I’m at today, which is a good place. On one of my lower days,
my little brother, who I hadn’t talked to in more than 2 years, called me for
the first time. All day I had been crying tears of sadness and all of a sudden
I was crying tears of joy. Thanks God. If that would be the only good thing to
happen through all of this, it was worth it. Everything I went through showed
me that the only way was to walk a new path instead of getting lost following
the same path again. Instead of throwing me under a bus, God was saying, “Jen,
I’m trying to convince you there is another way. Unfortunately, you are
stubborn so I’m going to have to almost break you first to get you to change.” I
see that now. And when it gets blurry and messy, I just say, “God, your turn.
You are going to have to get me through this one today. I trust you to not fuck
it up.” And so far, God hasn’t let me down.
On Palm Sunday I was feeling pretty frustrated. I said a
quick prayer before going into church, “God give me patience.” It is my go-to
prayer I say almost daily. I sat in church and realized I had forgotten what
had made me mad already. And then I heard that voice. “Now you are going to do
great things.” Huh? What was that? Where did that come from? “I’m giving you a
second chance. Now you are going to do great things with it.” Okay. I know that
voice. I’m getting a do-over. Life is going to look different. I get that I’m
going to get some time to heal, to detox from these past 18 months of stress
and turmoil. But then I am expected to do great things. Maybe it just means
being that friend to others because I learned how to sit with sadness. Maybe
I’m going to help people who feel lost and need help like I did – to show them
they have strength they didn’t know they had. I don’t know. But I do know that
God cleared the way for me to live my best life. I’m not going to squander it.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It
took me years to understand that this too was a gift.” – Mary Oliver
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