Game On or That Was a Cool Half Pike

Admit it. We have been competing since the day we had our kids. I know I have and even if you want to take the higher road, deep down, I know you have been too. We’ve been competing for the Best Parent Award since our little ones popped out of the womb. I know you are reading those blogs about how we are all “doing our best and that’s okay.” And I’ve probably even written one (or many) along those lines. And to those I just want to quote Dr. Phil and say "Get Real." You wouldn’t have written that blog if you weren’t trying to point out how awesome you are at “just letting go” or being “hands free” – I am on to you!

It all started with birth. Did you go natural or did you use drugs? Just how many hours of labor were YOU in? How big of an episiotomy did you have? Look folks, I never said this contest wasn’t dirty – in fact, it is downright disgusting. To be honest, I don’t want to hear how much you “ripped” (holding back gag reflex) or if you had to be cut. Some details aren’t worth rehashing. I concede on this one – you win. I had an easy labor! I don’t even want to compete!

But on other fronts, I’m right up there in the starting blocks. Sometimes our competition is more obvious. Like when our kindergartners have to create a dinosaur and bring it to school. You could tell the seasoned parents from the newbies like I was. I thought my kid was supposed to lead the project. Turns out I’m just supposed to let him paint it carefully after I have constructed a life-sized dinosaur out of Paper Mache. Lesson learned. The second kid starts kindergarten next year and I’m already drawing up the blueprints!

Do you bake cookies from scratch or are they store bought? Oh, let’s lament how we can’t bake our own cupcakes for the school birthday snack, hand decorated because we went to the cake decorating class at Michaels, when in actuality, I’d probably buy the cupcakes anyway because I don’t have time to bake and I couldn’t frost the broad side of a house respectably. I will probably defriend you if you tell me you only use apple sauce for sugar – I like my cupcakes fully leaded. Are you the mom who shows up dressed in a cute outfit, in full makeup, at the field trip? I saw it as a day to go “slumming” in nonbusiness-casual attire. Did you catch that there? I’m so secure with my mom-ness, that I DON’T EVEN NEED TO DRESS UP FOR FIELD TRIPS – right there I’m competing. It’s a sickness! Can. Not. Stop!

And as we are nearing Halloween, do you go out and buy your costume or do you make it by hand? Oh, it was easy to stitch up that authentic Native American Pocahontas costume? No it wasn’t – and I tip my hat to you. You are the winner winner chicken dinner. And you also limit your child to one piece of candy and then sell the rest to the dentist? You get the award for Healthiest Parent but I’ll win Coolest Parent when I let my kid inhale candy on Halloween and even let them have a piece for breakfast the next morning. Look, you have to know your strengths.

This isn’t a blog about how we should just all get along and be secure with who we are exactly as we are, stretch marks and tummy tucks hugging it out over the homemade healthy snacks and artificially colored juice boxes. I’m just saying maybe we can admit that we are all a bit competitive and just ONCE want to be noticed as Best in Show in this lifelong contest of being a parent.

There’s really nothing wrong with a little healthy competition. We aren’t bitchy beauty queens, sabotaging the boob tape.  Instead I think of us as X-Games athletes – after an amazing run doing a cool new snowboarding trick, we all high five and want to learn it. And when we wipe out and fail epically, we reach out a hand to help you on your feet again, and then call the medic.

This parent stuff is a marathon not a sprint. I’m going to openly admit that I don’t win everything, nor should I. If you don’t win this round for having Technology Free Tuesday (oh yes my dearest girlfriend, I’m pointing at you), I have nothing to strive for. I have a girlfriend that dresses up for Walmart and seeing her made me realize I had been slacking off a little too much in the appearance category – there’s nothing wrong with slapping on a little makeup to feel good about yourself. Watching you do something better than I do makes me think whether that’s a change I want to make - will it make me or my children happier or healthier? Staying off our screens one night a week? Probably. And you inspire me to try to compete, to be better than I am right now. So lace them up friends, I’ve got a dinosaur and sugary cupcakes to make.

Proud to be a DICK!

It has taken me ten years but I’m finally proud to say that I’m a DICK. I’ve been called many things in life, but I can honestly say that I’m happy and fulfilled being a DICK.  Of course I’m talking about Double Income Couple of Kids.

I think when you first have a kid, well at least for me, there’s a part of you that can keep one foot in both worlds – pre-kids and parenthood. Let’s be honest, having one kid really isn’t that tough. Sure it is at first. There’s an adjustment to being 100% responsible for someone who cannot feed or even move without your assistance. You can’t leave and go out to a nice dinner unless you find someone to stay home with your child. And don’t get me wrong. Having one kid isn’t easy! Far from it – I locked myself in my house for 3 months in the throes of post-partum depression. It took me 6 months just to be coherent enough from lack of sleep to carry on an adult conversation again. But once you have a second kid, you realize that one really isn’t that hard – it’s just new.

With one kid, you soon find that you still have time to volunteer with those nonprofit organizations, to train for a half marathon, to go back to grad school, and to work full time. (And if you are smart, you won’t try to do all of those at once like I did.) Finding a sitter for one kid is like asking someone for a favor; add in a second kid and you are asking for a commitment. Once that first child gets old enough, they just blend right into your life – they help hand out water at the race you volunteered at, they cheer you on as you run past the finish line, and they can grab you a new highlighter when yours runs out of ink.

But TWO kids. That changes the game. If you wait to have your second so that they are spaced apart a bit, you find that you are running to parent teacher conferences right after changing a diaper and prepping a bottle. Finding time to squeeze in a long run means getting up after 4 hours of sleep from a cranky baby so you can get your run in before a 9 a.m. soccer game. Going back to school means you are missing something. Basically, LIFE CHANGES. And I’m sure you were all more enlightened than I was because it took me about 4 years to figure this all out.

I think I initially fought against the commitment two kids would have on my life. After my second son, I was still determined to volunteer at a nonprofit, help at our church, train for races and go back to school so I could save the world all while being The Best Mom Ever.  Parents magazine says it’s possible! But for me, this just didn’t work. Oh I fought against the spiral of crazy for as long as I could. Everyone else can Do It All, why can’t I? Shouldn’t I be doing more with my life? It is a little known fact about me that I dream of saving the world by going to underprivileged areas and being a nurse (or doctor – depends on how much coffee I’ve had as I daydream.)  There are people dying for lack of simple health care in the United States and third world countries. I should be saving them. I should be DOING MORE. First step, become a nurse! Let’s do it now!

Or maybe not. Finally one day my husband looked at me and said, “You have to stop. You are overcommitted. You are stressed and unhappy.” What? No I’m not! I’m just running to meetings, composing minutes, fielding emails, going to work, going to class, studying and trying to figure out how to keep 10 4^th graders entertained for hour-long religious education classes each week (I’ll let you guess which one of those is the hardest.) I love being this busy and I am being a great mom to boot! But for once I took his advice and uncommitted myself to projects. “But am I still doing enough? Who will save the world if it isn’t me?” I panicked. Slowly however, I found myself unwinding. I found myself enjoying “just being a working mom.” I found myself realizing that I could raise two kids that can save the world too, making us a family of superheroes (okay, so I still dream big.)

I’m not saying you should give up on your dreams. I’m saying that life is long and there’s time for doing it all, just not all at once. I’m saying that raising your children to be people who also save the world is a noble thing to do. When the boys grow older and no longer need me to run them to practices or read to them at night, I’ll have time to commit to other things again too. But for now right now, walking the dog, making lunches, cheering at football games, reviewing math homework and reading stories is what it means to save the world. There’s nothing wrong with being a DICK who quietly makes an impact by just being there for our future superheroes.

Missing My Workout Really Perks Me Up or The Hazards of Reading

A blog post on a Thursday? I know you are thinking to yourself, "She must be like the Dalai Lama who gets up at 3 a.m. to meditate, help the needy and blog. I'm so impressed!" While I'd love to be able to extend my day in the wee hours of the morning to get more done, the truth is that it's 5:30 a.m. and I've missed my workout. It's a bit sad that I have to get up by 4:45 a.m. at the latest to squeeze a workout in, but that is my reality and it's probably yours too. Exercising is how I manage my stress and missing the gym means that today will be a little off kilter for me. But hitting the gym has its downsides too and on this occasion of a missed workout, I'm going to focus on the bright side and tell you why sometimes going to the gym only makes me feel worse, thus justifying why I slept in this morning.

As a working mom, I multitask pretty much every moment I can. In order to stay on top of the world of parenting, high fashion and sex tips, I have to read my magazines while I'm on the elliptical. It's important for a girl to know what's going on in the world today, right?! But sometimes this backfires, which it did the other day when I realized these truths from Redbook, the magazine for women in their thirties who still sort of want to be in their twenties  but aren't and yet are too young for Better Homes and Gardens.

Did you know...
1. That at age 35 your lips start to disappear! WTF! I had no idea! As I read this, I squinted into the mirror (which is a bit hard as you bounce on the elliptical and we all know that squinting causes wrinkles too - argh!) Are MY lips disappearing too? I had no idea that during the last two years they were slowly shriveling up like worms on a sidewalk. Good God, I must look like a freak. But rest assured, there are needle-free strategies to remedy this - I just need to hydrate, mix up a homemade concoction anti-aging treatment, and find the right lip color. Whew. Add these to my things-to-do list, right after walk the dog, make lunches, throw in a load of laundry, tell my 10 year old (AGAIN) to put on his shoes to go to school, work all day, make dinner, do dishes, go through the bedtime routine and spend "quality" time with my husband in front of the television. Done!

2. Doctors are talking to their friends about STRESS! Because it's that bad now folks that doctors must talk about it at dinner parties! Thankfully they have also shared their tips with us regular people too. I learned that my hormones are my most unpredictable friend. I knew my hormones were little bitches, but now this confirms it! I'm also supposed to schedule deposits into my relaxation account, which I'm guessing is a bit like my bank account, but a little less flush. I should also forget about chanting and listen to reggae. So last month's advice about meditating was crap. Good to know. And I'm supposed to make an anti-anxiety meal of blueberries, spinach, turkey and chamomile tea. I'm on it - I have to go to the grocery store anyway to pick up the brown sugar for my homemade lip anti-aging treatment too.

3. Protein packed diets are in a super moment! I'm not exactly sure what a super moment is but I don't want to miss it...because it's super. This helpful dinner suggestion recommends the ancient grain, farro. So....that's available at my local Fareway, right? I was hoping my Fiber One protein bar would suffice but apparently I need to go a little further back in time. Who knows, maybe I'll find my full plump lips there too while I'm looking.

In the end, I've learned a few things during a recent workout. I'm a shriveled up, stressed out, under proteined mess - I don't think even a post-workout glow will fix this! But if my brief summary of Redbook doesn't make you feel like enough of a winner, you can finish your workout with a quick spin on the scale. Boy, that always cheers me up. Nothing like being reminded that the ice cream cone (and cookies and chips) from yesterday didn't magically disappear after an hour at the gym. Perhaps I should just stop reading while I workout...

So maybe missing my workout this morning isn't the end of the world. I'm sitting here drinking my coffee instead, which we all know will prevent Alzheimer's disease, according to Better Homes and Gardens (which I don't read because I'm not that old yet.) Time to go fill up my relaxation account with a calming shower taken at high speed so we can all be at work and school on time. Carry on my friends! I'll see you at the gym tomorrow with bells on (and a lip treatment.)