Rocking the Moose when he was three months old, I would coo at him and gaze into his eyes. I would tell him how smart and funny he is, how perfect he is, and how he should always wear condoms. I believed it was never too early to lay the right foundation of my expectations for him.
After I had the Moose, I gave considerable thought to what I call My Golden Rules. If my boys follow these four simple rules, they really should avoid most of life's disasters. Most other trouble they get into pales in comparison to the trouble they will get into if they break one of these rules. I accept that my kiddos will screw up and screw up often. And I will love them through it. All I ask is that they follow these four simple rules and I promise to forgive them for pretty much everything else.
1. No Smoking: Seriously, if I catch one of my boys with a cigarette (or chewing tobacco) in their mouth, I will slap it right out, even if they are thirty years old. Sure sure, you might argue that they can make their own choices when they are an adult. No, I say, not if they are fucking up. And smoking will fuck them up. Do you know how much prenatal care I followed to have healthy babies? I gave up lunch meat BEFORE I got pregnant, in the anticipation of GETTING pregnant. I gave up caffeine, which is my life blood, for them both for two years - one during each of their pregnancies and one for the year I nursed them - that's four years total! And let's not even get into the permanent damage they did to my boobs during the breast feeding. Hell if I'm going to let them mess up their lungs after all I did to give them healthy ones in the first place.
2. No Drugs/Drinking: Okay, part of this is unrealistic, I know. The drugs part, I'm holding strong. I've gotten through life this far without doing drugs, and I expect the same from them. Nothing good comes from doing drugs. They are addicting, damaging, ruin your career/life, and can kill you. I'm done sounding like the Reagan Administration. Just don't do drugs. As for the drinking, just be responsible. Get a DD. Call me if you mess up. Don't drive drunk. Nuff said.
3. Always Respect Women: I just won't tolerate disrespecting women, and this includes their children. When I thought up these rules, I thought "what offenses could I just not forgive if my children committed them?" And rape or any form of sexual, physical, domestic abuse comes to mind. I just won't have it. So don't do it. Respect any woman in your life, including teachers, parents, girlfriends, coworkers, wives. By respecting women, you in turn respect their children because any woman can tell you that their children are simply an extension of themselves. If I hear of you disrespecting women, I will come down on you like a fury and you will remember that Mom is the Boss. Again, your age is meaningless. I will always be your mom and if you are really fucking up, I will set you straight.
4. Practice Safe Sex: There are too many consequences that come from ignoring this rule. For God's sake and mine, wear a condom! I rocked my boys to sleep reviewing my Golden Rules, including this one. I'm hoping it sticks a little subconsciously because we have a few years before we can have the sex talk and I really need them to remember this rule. STDs and babies last forever. They only need a condom for 20 minutes. I promise to grow a pair and teach them all about condoms when they get a little older if they promise to follow rule number four. And I don't care if she's on the pill. HIV could care less too. And this one ties nicely into Rule Number Three!
So that sums up my main rules. Everything else is really minor compared to these Golden Four. I've had them in place for almost 9 years now and haven't seen any circumstances that would cause me to change them. I can handle swearing, slamming doors, and rolling eyes (personally guilty of all three!) I will yell at them and send them to their rooms, but I will know, those offenses aren't deal breakers. Of course I have created other rules over the years, but they are really level two rules, like "Never wear those awful school color overalls, even if you are drunk and tailgating, because I will take a pair of scissors and cut them off - walking around in your boxers is less embarrassing than those overalls." But the overalls do not have life changing consequences - they just make you look like an idiot and would probably eliminate the need for Rule Number Four. The Golden Four can change your world if you don't follow them. As a mom, I can only do so much to guide my boys and so far, I've noticed that boys can only remember about 4 things at a time (note - if the topic is Skylanders or Pokemon, the memory becomes infinite). Feel free to steal my rules if you want - as you can see, I don't have stealing listed above. I'm hoping the Ten Commandments covers that one.
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