Faith versus Fear or Fear is a Four Letter F Word

I was sitting in church one morning and the pastor was talking about faith and fear. And all of a sudden a four letter word popped into my head (surprising I know…) “WALL.” And the pastor is talking about living fearlessly and loving every one. That when we give love away, we end up with more. I thought, this whole Wall thing is garbage. Here we are saying that we are trying to keep out the bad guys – the rapists, the murderers and the drug dealers. And all I hear is fear, fear, fear - another four letter word, possibly the worst four lettered F word I know. We are basing our foreign policy on fear. God is sitting up there thinking, “What the hell Friends? I gave you this Earth and told you to love each other and here you are screwing up that one simple rule all because you decided to draw some dumbass line in the dirt so you could exclude people.”**  And then we closed church by singing a song that said “We are called to love one another.” And oddly enough there wasn’t an asterisk after that to say, “but only if they are United States citizens.” God is just up there shaking his head over this Wall thing. Bad people come from everywhere including the United States. From my Catholic roots, the prayer of St. Francis says where there is hatred let me sow love - not build a wall.

Isn’t fear a funny thing? So much of our violence, anger, strife and war is fear-based. We are afraid of people we don’t know, religion we don’t understand, people taking things from us, being less-than, the unknown, being found out for who we really are. Fear creeps up and in the moment is all encompassing. Standing up against fear takes faith. Faith in yourself, faith in other people to be true and faith in your higher power to have your back. 

Isn’t some fear good? How do you know it is fear to listen to or fear to blow off? There’s a difference. Fear is not a Sixth Sense. We are all blessed with a Sixth Sense that tells us when to run, who not to trust, when to cross the street. Every time I’ve had a Sixth Sense, it’s been right. I had a sense the night I was robbed that I would be robbed (dudes, I know that is crazy but it is true.) I have a sense when someone is lying to me. I have a sense when someone is not safe for my kids. That’s not fear, that is a blessing of insight. That voice, you listen to. 

But whenever I’ve succumbed to fear, I have regretted my decisions. I was afraid I would not be able to heal my kids from divorce and instead stayed in a marriage too long. I was afraid I would not be able to support my kids financially on my own. I was afraid to eat because then I wouldn’t be perfect. Where was my faith in myself, my faith in other people, my faith in a God to catch me? No decision I have made from fear has ever been healthy. 

Instead now I think about my values – my core essence of who I am – when I make decisions. Even big scary ones. And now when I have a big throat full of fear, I know enough to double check that. Is this decision the best for me - is this a sign I am growing and stretching or does it not fit with my values? Am I freezing because of fear or because that is what I need to do to stay true to who I am? Does this choice fit with who I am – is it kind, is it honest, is it trusting, is it generous, is it loving? 

Does this always work out for me? Heck no. Sometimes the brave thing to do is to give someone a second chance when they don’t deserve it and it backfires. Do I regret it? No, because it fit with my values of being kind, generous, loving and trusting. Does this make me seem naïve? Maybe. Maybe a faith in myself, other people and in God is foolish. But I’d rather live my values than miss out on an opportunity to do and be something amazing. And that phrase, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Nope. For me it is fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you’re a dick. I never regret trusting people and if it was a poor choice, that’s a reflection on them, not me.

This has been a season of fighting fear. I was scared out of my mind to be a single parent. I was scared to show others the inside of my life and it wasn’t as great as it seemed. I was scared to walk into church as a single woman, feeling like damaged goods. And I am scared to open up my heart again because for me love has been a lot of pain. But every time these past 2 years I have taken a pause and thought, is this fear making me hesitate or is this a chance to live my values, even if it is scary? Because I will not let fear drive my decisions anymore. As long as it fits who I am, I know I am making the right choice. And I have taken leaps of faith and they have always been worth it. Back to my friend St. Francis, where there is doubt, faith. Amen.

**If you have read my blogs at all, you know that my God and I swear like pirates.