Faith versus Fear or Fear is a Four Letter F Word

I was sitting in church one morning and the pastor was talking about faith and fear. And all of a sudden a four letter word popped into my head (surprising I know…) “WALL.” And the pastor is talking about living fearlessly and loving every one. That when we give love away, we end up with more. I thought, this whole Wall thing is garbage. Here we are saying that we are trying to keep out the bad guys – the rapists, the murderers and the drug dealers. And all I hear is fear, fear, fear - another four letter word, possibly the worst four lettered F word I know. We are basing our foreign policy on fear. God is sitting up there thinking, “What the hell Friends? I gave you this Earth and told you to love each other and here you are screwing up that one simple rule all because you decided to draw some dumbass line in the dirt so you could exclude people.”**  And then we closed church by singing a song that said “We are called to love one another.” And oddly enough there wasn’t an asterisk after that to say, “but only if they are United States citizens.” God is just up there shaking his head over this Wall thing. Bad people come from everywhere including the United States. From my Catholic roots, the prayer of St. Francis says where there is hatred let me sow love - not build a wall.

Isn’t fear a funny thing? So much of our violence, anger, strife and war is fear-based. We are afraid of people we don’t know, religion we don’t understand, people taking things from us, being less-than, the unknown, being found out for who we really are. Fear creeps up and in the moment is all encompassing. Standing up against fear takes faith. Faith in yourself, faith in other people to be true and faith in your higher power to have your back. 

Isn’t some fear good? How do you know it is fear to listen to or fear to blow off? There’s a difference. Fear is not a Sixth Sense. We are all blessed with a Sixth Sense that tells us when to run, who not to trust, when to cross the street. Every time I’ve had a Sixth Sense, it’s been right. I had a sense the night I was robbed that I would be robbed (dudes, I know that is crazy but it is true.) I have a sense when someone is lying to me. I have a sense when someone is not safe for my kids. That’s not fear, that is a blessing of insight. That voice, you listen to. 

But whenever I’ve succumbed to fear, I have regretted my decisions. I was afraid I would not be able to heal my kids from divorce and instead stayed in a marriage too long. I was afraid I would not be able to support my kids financially on my own. I was afraid to eat because then I wouldn’t be perfect. Where was my faith in myself, my faith in other people, my faith in a God to catch me? No decision I have made from fear has ever been healthy. 

Instead now I think about my values – my core essence of who I am – when I make decisions. Even big scary ones. And now when I have a big throat full of fear, I know enough to double check that. Is this decision the best for me - is this a sign I am growing and stretching or does it not fit with my values? Am I freezing because of fear or because that is what I need to do to stay true to who I am? Does this choice fit with who I am – is it kind, is it honest, is it trusting, is it generous, is it loving? 

Does this always work out for me? Heck no. Sometimes the brave thing to do is to give someone a second chance when they don’t deserve it and it backfires. Do I regret it? No, because it fit with my values of being kind, generous, loving and trusting. Does this make me seem naïve? Maybe. Maybe a faith in myself, other people and in God is foolish. But I’d rather live my values than miss out on an opportunity to do and be something amazing. And that phrase, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Nope. For me it is fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you’re a dick. I never regret trusting people and if it was a poor choice, that’s a reflection on them, not me.

This has been a season of fighting fear. I was scared out of my mind to be a single parent. I was scared to show others the inside of my life and it wasn’t as great as it seemed. I was scared to walk into church as a single woman, feeling like damaged goods. And I am scared to open up my heart again because for me love has been a lot of pain. But every time these past 2 years I have taken a pause and thought, is this fear making me hesitate or is this a chance to live my values, even if it is scary? Because I will not let fear drive my decisions anymore. As long as it fits who I am, I know I am making the right choice. And I have taken leaps of faith and they have always been worth it. Back to my friend St. Francis, where there is doubt, faith. Amen.

**If you have read my blogs at all, you know that my God and I swear like pirates.

True Colors or What's Really Brave

This spring I was talking to the Moose and he was complaining about the song “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Ugh, this song is the worst! He can’t stand it! He doesn’t want to sing this song for choir! And I am dumbfounded. This song is amazing! Listen to the lyrics! I mean, yes, it’s from the 80’s. Yes, the song is featured in the movie “Trolls” which we can both agree is a terrible movie. But c’mon! “True Colors” is an anthem! Cyndi Lauper sang about being true to yourself and that was okay to be you when other music sang about sex, drugs and broken hearts. It was the first song I remember about loving who you are; now plenty of music talks about how you are special, but back then, not so much. Cyndi Lauper has long been an advocate for the LGBTQ community before we knew what LGBTQ stood for. What is there not to love?

Moose informs me that EVERYONE knows that they should be themselves. It’s plastered all over the school. EVERYONE knows we should respect everyone’s differences and embrace uniqueness. Could we just not have to sing about it too? So it’s diversity fatigue that’s the issue. I was getting nowhere defending this amazing song that is twice as old as my Moose. But diversity fatigue I needed to address.

I look at my Moose. He is lucky. He was born a white male in the United States. There really isn’t a higher class than that. He loves sports. He is great in school. He doesn’t have to worry about being picked on for loving show choir because he also loves playing contact sports. To the best of my knowledge, he isn’t bullied for being different because he ticks off most of the boxes for liking what’s “cool.” He is the size of a small tank, but it works to his advantage. And most importantly, he is good and kind and has a strong sense of right and wrong. I know I’m 1000% biased, but I think he is amazing. For Moose, it is easy to show his True Colors. His True Colors are popular. So how do I explain that his True Colors make it easy to be himself but there are other kids that struggle every single day with who they are. This is a message he is tired of hearing and can’t connect with because it’s easy to be him (relatively speaking.) I’ve got to bring this home.

While it is a poor example of diversity, the only one that I can think will really hit close to his heart and appeal to his Protective Big Brother side. While they fight like cats and dogs, if Moose hears anyone picking on Squirrel, he manages to puff up about three times his size (which is hard to imagine) and listens very closely for details and reminds Squirrel that he would be more than happy to speak to anyone who needs to be reminded that we don’t mess with the Squirrel. So while the Squirrel is also a white male in the United States, he takes a hard turn and marches to his own drummer. And that drummer plays a weird beat that only the Squirrel can hear sometimes. This is what we love about the Squirrel. We never know what to expect from him. The clothes he wears only show the world the outside of his uniqueness; his brain is so quick and sharp that sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with him. Often I just laugh at how quickly he can bend a rule to fit his needs and makes a decent justification for it too. So I start small and begin to explain to Moose what True Colors means for other people.

While Moose’s True Colors are not going to get him shoved into lockers (if you could move him), other people’s True Colors will. He may not see it but kids are picked on for being themselves every day. They are teased for dressing differently, mocked for liking activities that aren’t the norm, bullied for being not white or straight. These kids, who show up and show you who they are, are the brave ones for being themselves even if it isn’t the popular thing to do. Every day they have to wake up and make the decision to show their True Colors even if it means they will be tormented for it. 

Now let’s look at the Squirrel. Remember when he wore his hair down his back? It was so important to him to have long hair. Remember how much he was teased for looking like a girl? Even family members teased him. He put on a strong front because I know we only heard about a fraction of what he put up with. But every day he made a choice to be himself even if it meant his heart would take a beating for it. Moose looked at me. I was starting to get through finally.

Raising strong and sensitive adults when examples of accepted bigotry are on the nightly news is a challenge. I am asking both of my children to be better adults than the roles models we see. I am asking them to be brave enough to be themselves. I am asking them to be brave enough to be compassionate and stand up for others, not because they themselves are being hurt but because it is the right thing to do. And the brave I am asking them to be isn’t half the brave the people who don’t fit the cultural standard have to be every single day. I am asking them to think beyond their own beliefs and to honor and respect others beliefs and truths, even if they don’t fully understand them. 

We don’t always have to understand it to still support it. I can never pretend that I understand what it means to be black in America. I can recognize my ignorance and be sensitive to others’ truths. I cannot experience being discriminated against because of who I love, but I can stand up for the rights of people everywhere in the name of love.

Teaching diversity to children who live in a predominantly white middle class town is a challenge. But it’s our job to remind them that the world does not treat us all the same. And those of us who are privileged need to stand up for others who are not. It’s our duty, no matter what our age is. One phrase that comes up in our house frequently is “with great power comes great responsibility.” I expect the Moose and Squirrel to save the world in some way. And that starts with recognizing that we all have a different True Color and for some of us, it is harder to show. Turns out Cyndi’s song is still relevant today. Who says the 80’s are obsolete?

*If you are looking for some great eye opening resources on race, I highly recommend the books White Fragility and So You Want To Talk About Race.**