There is one thing on my phone that I go to more than
Facebook, Instagram, or my email. It is The List. That’s right – The List, as
in a proper noun. In my house, if someone asks me to fix their train set or
remember that the football tshirt order form is due August 9 (fyi), they know
it will happen if I add it to The List. Zucchini* doesn’t rot in my fridge,
forgotten after I buy it with the best of intentions, because I have added
“make zucchini bread” on The List. I don’t know where we’d be without The List. Probably shirtless eating moldy zucchini
watching a broken train set.
The List has been with me for years now. It started out
innocently enough, probably a last resort when I couldn’t find a post it. I
opened up my Notes on my phone and just started typing a bunch of things I
needed at the grocery store. It has since grown to 58 different sublists (no
lie – movies I want to see but will forget about, vacations I want to go on
someday when I’m rich, my friend Amy’s great corn recipe), but still, there is
just one The List – the master of them all. If anything is going to get done,
including this blog, it will start off on The List. Even the Squirrel said to
me the other day, “Add it to The List!”
Now some people have accused me of being too organized or “controlling.”
However, most of those people have benefitted from The List themselves; they
are able to randomly throw information in my direction and just count on it
getting done. “I need new shoelaces.” Just out there in the universe, expecting
new shoelaces to magically appear in the next 24 hours. Waiting for me to grab
onto those words and tuck them away for when I go to Target later. Woof. It’s a
lot of responsibility to remember everything and since I’m not a robot or a
post it note, I carry it around on my phone.
The pressure of maintaining and checking The List
periodically throughout the day can be exhausting. I check it first thing in
the morning – what needs to be done within the next 24 hours? Then I check it
throughout the day – what needs to be done this hour, this minute? I check it
at the end of the day – can I cross anything off? What needs to be added? I
just realized I don’t own jumper cables – add it to The List! Does The List
ever get fully done? Of course not. At the very top of The List is “change
address on stock.” I have needed to change my address on this one share of
stock I own for the past four years – that’s what happens to the items at the
top of The List. On The List, being at the top doesn’t mean you are the most
important or urgent item; in fact, if you make the top of The List, it just
means that more and more has been added after you and your priority level goes
way down. It’s unconventional but The List never promised to be rational. It
just promised to be thorough and overwhelming.
The List is becoming a cherished member of the family. We
refer to it with reverence. I realize now that what started as a glorified post
it has now become my security blanket. Not having to mentally remember
everything for everyone is reassuring. I carry The List with me everywhere I go
and I look at it when I’m feeling bored or need a pick-me-up, because surely
there is something on The List that I could get done quickly to get that little
boost you get when you cross something off. The List makes me feel successful
and needed. Send email to the teacher. Check! YES!!! Feel those endorphins!
But The List has a dark side too. It teaches the future men
in my house that instead of being responsible to remember things themselves,
they can toss it to Mom, who will add it to The List so they don’t have to
worry about anything. Oh the freedom of never being responsible for your own
needs. The List also can be an escape for me, giving me a second to tune out
the world but look productive at the same time. Since The List has no end, it
can also serve as a stressor by reminding me just how much I have left to do in
the day/week/month/year/decade. By Sunday night, I almost always feel like a
loser.
So what to do? Well, I’ve been working on lightening my
social media and sugar consumption lately. I’m not sure I have the bandwidth to
give up my security blanket too. Besides, who will remember that the dog needs
medicine or that the kids are low on lunch money or that I need to send
birthday cards out this week? And how can I send birthday cards unless I get
stamps first – add it to The List! Perhaps I should try to cut down the number
of times I reference The List each day, but even that would require a notation
in The List – “Review The List only 4 times today.” That sounds as bad as
giving up coffee. So for now, I’ll hang on to my security blanket – it makes me
feel competent and needed. And to balance the fact that it is a crutch for my
Moose and Squirrel to avoid remembering things THEY need to do, I might have
them start their own lists (lower case) – I am an expert on creating lists. “Coach
the boys to start their own to-do lists.” Check!
*Next time I will use a vegetable that is easier to spell as
an example. Zucchini? Is it double “c” or double “n”?
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