Effing Phone or Living a Ben and Jerry's Life

Facebook, email, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat. So many ways to connect with people in our attempt to distance ourselves. Are you sick of reading about how we should be “hands free”? How our kids are drying up without our attention because we are glued to a screen? That we feel our self-worth based on the number of likes we get on Facebook? That someone is a social media celebrity as opposed to just being a celebrity? What the hell does that mean anyway? I’m sick of reading about it too but I think it’s because I’m guilty of it rather than being bored from another cliché article about screen time. So here’s one more!

Hello. My name is Jenny and I’m addicted to my phone. I’m not alone – in fact, you might be reading this while your family is running around you in the kitchen. Maybe you are killing time waiting for practice to get over. Maybe you don’t want to actually talk to anyone right now so you peek in to see how your 246 Facebook friends are doing. Maybe you just need to escape.

I’m not judging. I get it. I so so get it. There are moments that I need to be alone and if I’m in a crowd, looking busy on my phone will do the trick. Maybe I’m messing around on my phone because I’m bored and hate waiting. Sometimes I’m feeling lonely and this makes me feel connected. Whatever the reason, at the end of the day it numbs and feeling numb can feel way better than feeling isolated, ignored, overwhelmed and anxious.

This phone addiction is not something I’m proud of. I hate it when I realize I want to grab it when I’m chilling out with my family and honestly, I’m doing my best to curb it. But it’s not easy. And that pisses me off. How did I get attached to some stupid device? Why do we feel a need to overshare? And why can’t I remember that everything looks better through social media tinted glasses?

I was talking to my sixth grader about social media. He says everyone is on Instagram in sixth grade and I asked him if he wanted an account. He said no. He doesn’t like it when everyone only stares at their phones.

The first thing I thought was “Goddamned motherfucking phone! I have got to quit this shit!” (Yes, this is how I think. I’m not proud of the swearing either but you have to pick your battles.) I think I finally found my motivation. I would do anything for my kids* and here is my baby saying he doesn’t like it when everyone is always on their phone.

Oh the shame. He wasn’t referencing me but he might as well have been. And I’m so happy that he hasn’t started being on his phone 24/7 yet. There’s still time! I’ve got to act now before he starts to think that it’s normal to look down instead of looking people in the eye. My first step is to stop reaching for that fucking phone all the time. Start small and keep it in a different room when the kids are up. Maybe progress to ignoring it when everyone has gone to bed. What will I do with my time?! I could cure cancer, create world peace or just go to bed so I could actually try to get 7 elusive hours of sleep.

It’s not often when our kids catch us in bad behavior but thank goodness it happens occasionally. Because nothing motivates me more than the Moose and Squirrel. If this bothers them, then that’s all I need to help stop the madness. I might need a support group in a church basement to get me there, but I’m going to do my best to log off more than I do now. Just like ice cream, everything is good in moderation. I’ll take a full-fat life over a fat-free online presence any day.

*However I refuse to ever wear those team color overalls. That’s a hard no and a second tier golden rule in my house. No team color overalls. Period. I also won’t purchase them for anyone and I told the boys if I saw them wear them in public, I would literally cut them off their bodies right then in there. Hopefully they are wearing something underneath.