I’d like to start this year’s annual review by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to sit down with me to discuss my performance. By the nature of our relationship, I know that all conversations must usually revolve around your bodily functions, dinosaurs, or what your brother has done to you lately. So I really do appreciate the thought you’ve put into this. Also, thank you for taking into consideration that I didn’t go to school to be Mom; working my way up through the company has been an eventful and educational 11 years. I am grateful for the opportunity to advance in this company.
Before we formally begin my review, I must note that this year’s continuous feedback has been extremely helpful. They always say that an annual review shouldn’t be a surprise. Knowing that you have been dissatisfied with my service and policies during various times of the year provided real-time feedback that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I always learn something from these conversations. For example, after I threw away the Moose’s math homework by accident, I apologized profusely and announced that I was a “crappy mom.” When the Rock said, “yes, that’s what I always say,” I was able to take that constructive criticism and really work with it. Knowing that status quo is “crappy” has really helped me set some reachable goals, such as being mediocre, unfair and not-sucky.
Ah yes, you’d like to talk about some specific examples of when my work could be improved. Great idea.
Quitting Time aka Bedtime: You are right, I have been knocking off early each day. While I know that the work day should last until you fall soundly asleep, there are times I have a difficult time remaining friendly past 9 p.m. when your bedtime is 8:30 p.m. I know my demeanor deteriorates as the day progresses and after dinner, night time activities, brushing teeth and reading stories, I do sometimes fall short on patience after I’ve told you 8 times to go to bed and stop poking your brother in the eye for God’s sake! I will work on remaining cheerful from the hours of 4:30 a.m. – 10:30 p.m. You are absolutely correct – 6 hours of rest is plenty. I’ve been lazy.
Refreshments aka Meals: I understand you have been unhappy with your table service lately. I deeply apologize. I felt I was following corporate guidelines by offering a variety of food choices at mealtimes, but I see I have misunderstood the policies. By variety, you meant different kinds of pizza, not different foods themselves. Now your groan over the answer to “what’s for dinner” makes more sense to me. And you have a point – I should always be prepared to answer the question “what’s for dinner?” regardless of time of day or situation. Just pulling into the driveway after a day of work is no excuse for not being able to answer this simple yet critical question.
Oh, and snacks. Yes, I know you are have been dissatisfied with the snack schedule and options. The “cool” snacks have been exhausted by Tuesday afternoon and you are left with crackers, cheese, fruit, veggies and cereal bars as options. I will work more closely with the purchasing department to better plan for our week.
Company Outings: First, I’d like to thank you for giving me the responsibility of planning the company outings. Yes, I know sometimes I do better at this than other times. I will work harder to schedule Skyzone into every weekend – obviously it’s a time management issue on my part. Between basketball tournaments, house showings, birthday parties and general upkeep of the house, I have had a hard time fitting in activities that are clearly detrimental to your well-being. I will adjust my priorities accordingly. Your idea about automatically including a pack of Pokemon cards and a visit to the toy section into every trip to Target will be taken into consideration. Also, I will do a better job of preparing you for the “length of the list” for the grocery store. I understand it would be more convenient for you if I did these things when you were not around or sleeping.
Procurement Procedures: I was pretty sure you were going to bring up last week’s soccer shoe debacle. Again, I was under the impression we were supposed to run a quick ROI before making purchases which is why I declined your request for $40 soccer shoes for your U6 spring soccer season and requested you choose a pair of $27 soccer shoes instead. I now understand that I neglected to take into account that the $40 pair of soccer shoes had a skull on them, which made up for the fact that you would wear them for a total of 16 hours (8 weeks of soccer x (1 hour game + 1 hour weekly practice)). Obviously my math was wrong and didn’t include the part of the equation for the cool factor. While I cannot make up for your broken heart (again, thanks for the real-time feedback!), I did practice drawing skulls for 1 hour so I could add them to your soccer shoes personally. I know it does not adequately make up for my misjudgment but I have learned a valuable lesson. I have learned how to draw skulls.
I appreciate that you have taken it upon yourself to set my goals for the next year.
1. Reply to the words “Hey Mom” the first time, regardless of what other activities I am undertaking.
a. Stretch goal: Reply to multiple requests of “Hey Mom” simultaneously.
2. Purchase candy every time you must attend the dreaded grocery store trip.
a. Stretch goal: Purchase candy for you every time I go to the grocery store or really anywhere with candy whether you are there or not.
3. Update our bedtime routine to include a floating hour, endless stories and less hygiene.
a. Stretch goal: Lay in bed with you until you fall asleep at 10 p.m. and THEN make your lunch, clean up the house, etc. Obviously these personal agenda items should not take place during “your time.”
4. Stop “breaking your heart” every day with unjust policies.
a. Stretch goal: Anticipate said “heart breaking” activities before they happen.
I believe my merit raise of 2 less brotherly fights/day is more than generous. I would have been happy with just 1 less brotherly fight/day. I will work hard to earn that raise. I look forward to your continuous efforts to make me an acceptable mom and next year’s annual review.
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