Dating Profile Fail or Which Way Do I Swipe

It has come to my attention that I may want to date again sometime. The last time I went on a date was in the 1990’s, you know when the internet was still a baby and we thought flip phones were the best thing ever made. I remember back in college someone sent me virtual flowers and it ended up being a website with a picture of roses on it. He was so proud and all I could think of was “What the fuck am I supposed to do with a picture of flowers? Give me the real thing!” Now I find myself in 2019 and freshly single and 20+ years older than I was when I got married. How does someone even meet people these days? I’m way too old for the bar scene and I don’t feel confident picking up someone in the grocery store. Where else do I frequent? Target? The gym? Kwik Star? Costco is classy right? I feel like I’m going to be pretty limited.

There are apps for dating now and all I know is that swiping right is different than swiping left. Unfortunately years of teaching aerobics where I had to mirror my participants means I mix up my right and left consistently which might be problematic. What also frightens me is that my teenage Moose still laughs at me because I can’t figure out Snapchat (“just tap it, don’t swipe it!”) – if I can’t get out of a story in Snapchat, how will I ever figure out online dating? I’ve had more than one embarrassing moment asking Moose to get me out of the Kardashian story I’ve “accidently” clicked on. And then, let’s say I figure out how to work the app, which one do I choose? Match? Bumble? Tinder (no)? Farmer’s Only (no)? Coffee Meets Bagel (this has potential)?  

Then there is the pressure of presentation. I’ve gotten tips like, don’t use your real name and advice about what types of photos to use. My selfie game has gotten better – I always look better if I take the picture from above, which is fortunate because I’m 5’1 so most people are looking down on me, which gives me a much better looking chin so it won’t feel so much like false advertising. I’ve got about 30 extra divorce pounds I’m carrying around that I’d love to shed – these were originally baby weight but I’ve upgraded them to divorce pounds now because if you’ve been reading my blogs lately, you know there have been a lot of donuts. A lot. Perhaps the pictures wait until I am in a more flattering state…

And how do you start a profile? A profile? I’m not even sure where to start…

Tired mom of two boys, one of which hates her most days
Over 40 yo woman with limited time looking for someone who would like to read on the sofa next to her
Like cats?
Doesn’t eat steak so I’m a cheap date
Can’t ride a bike but likes to listen to podcasts

What if I let my kids help write it?
“She is pretty nice unless you make her mad. She makes you come in for bedtime at 9:30 p.m. and says if you are hungry, you need to eat a fruit or vegetable first because if you are really hungry you will be happy to eat either of those and won’t complain they are not a Poptart. Also she makes you wear sunscreen even if she does not. She does like to listen to the music loud in the car. And she swears. A lot.”

I’m not sure the kids would be the best people to write up my profile. The last time the Squirrel wrote something about his mom at school, he mentioned that he loves me because I buy things for him. That is not the kind of man I want to attract.

Maybe if I just start with a list of wants and turn offs in a relationship?

Wants	Turn Offs
Kind	Dishonest
Funny	Uptight
Intelligent	Humorless
Responsible	Irresponsible
Trustworthy	Angry
Honest	Smoker
Driven	Aimless
Active	Golfer*

*Okay, golfing isn’t a deal breaker. As long as we understand that this will be a solo hobby because I don’t golf and don’t want to because I hate it. At least until my idea of Tackle Golf catches on – combining the elements of football with golf. Picture it - while the golfer is lining up to take the shot, a full defensive line is charging down the green. Better get the shot off before you are sacked! Now that is golf I will watch!

And let’s say I make it to the point where I actually get asked on a date. What does one even do on a date now? My social calendar is usually one of two things – running after my kids at their events or going to the gym. The more I write the more I realize I’m a pretty boring person! I know that Netflix and Chill has a whole different meaning than binge watching the Office with my kids. Do I have to go to the bars now? That’s not a big thing for me and besides, after about 2 drinks, I don’t make good choices. And dancing? I love dancing but nothing makes me feel old and fat than a Zumba class. I’m not sure that’s the mentality I need if I am meeting new people. And honestly, I’ve seen myself in the mirrors at Zumba class. It’s not pretty. Can we just read books at Freedom Coffee? Or catch a football, basketball or soccer game? And I need to be home by 9 p.m. because that’s my bedtime.   

So here’s the thing. I don’t think I’m ready to get out there yet. A few months ago I wrote that I wanted to take a hiatus of a year after the divorce is finalized to figure out who I am now. I don’t know if I will need a whole year off  but the fact that I can’t write a dating profile because I’m not sure what I like to do or what kind of person I’m looking for (not a golfer or a smoker) is a pretty good indicator that I’m not quite ready to date yet. But what is cool is that I realized I’m not looking to fill a hole in my life. My life is full and awesome right now as it is. I’ve got two great kids, amazing friends and family and just enough free time now to read a book or watch a R rated movie. I'm actually enjoying getting to know myself again. I know I’m not seeking a father to my kids - they already have one. I don’t need someone to pay my bills - I can do that myself. I just want to have fun meeting new people and learning a little bit more about the world out there. I want to be inspired by other people’s experiences and have new ideas to think about. I want to make some awesome new friends along the way or at least walk away with some great stories. And that’s the kind of attitude I think I’ll need when I’m ready to move on. In the meantime, it's way past my bedtime if I want to get up to hit the gym tomorrow morning. #supercoolfunsingleperson #not

Dating Profile
I love to laugh but don’t like mean-spiritedness. I like to dream big and am always looking for new challenges but not looking to fix someone. I want someone who makes me think and grow. Dishonesty is a deal breaker. I love books, exercise, health, donuts and writing. I am scared of fish and most dogs but spiders don’t bother me. I am looking to have fun and meet new people. I want someone with a big heart, kind but with a sense of humor. Oh, and must be okay with swears.
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