Facebook Syndrome or Failing at Being a Good Example

I’ve worked most of my life. I started walking beans when I was in my early teens, then worked in restaurants, rebuilt flooded out park trails, sold clothes, taught aerobics, sold lingerie, scooped ice cream, tried to improve people’s health, and finally landed in higher education. I can only think of a 3-month period since I was 16 when I wasn’t working – the brief time between graduating high school and starting college. I’ve worked because I needed the money and I’ve worked because I like what I do. I’ve never really considered not working, even when I had kids. Sure, there are times where I’ve daydreamed about being a stay-at-home mom, but sometimes the fact that I can go to the bathroom by myself at work, which I still have a hard time accomplishing with my kids now, is all I need to motivate me to put on my dress shoes and head to the office.

So on those rare weekdays off I like to pretend that I am a stay-at-home mom. I look around and see people out on walks with their kids, going to the park and the library – DURING THE DAY! -  and I think, is this what your life is like every day? For me it is a precious novelty – being able to do those daytime activities with my kids on a Monday. We go to the park, we go to the gym and the mall, we read and do art. This is what the other half of the mommy world looks like. And it looks pretty good. But then the next day it’s back to business – vacation is over – and I head back to work. I wouldn’t say I regret I didn’t stay home with my kids – it simply wasn’t an option. And it makes the time I am home with them even more important.

But if I’m being honest, when I look around at the people whose lives normally include a trip to the gym at 10:30 a.m. instead of 4:30 a.m. and the parents who can hit that 9 a.m. story hour at the library, I feel a little sense of snobbery. I go to work every day. I don’t have the life that allows me to sleep in and do things during the day. (SAHMs, please feel free to scream at me because I know in reality, you are NOT sleeping in.) I run the household and clean and sign permission slips all after 5 p.m. and I still get it all done! And I’ll admit, while exhausted, I feel a bit superior. I am a Super Mom. I work and parent and get it all done – sometimes. And when I don’t get it done, I get the pass for being a Working Mom. Look at me. Judging the Mommy Wars. Fantastic. I said I was being honest, not proud.

I thought I kept most of these thoughts and attitudes to myself, only occasionally sharing them with my fellow working moms. “How are WE supposed to go to swim lessons at 10 a.m.? Don’t most people work? It’s for all of those Stay-At-Homes…” How quickly we forget we are all in this battle together. How quickly we forget that staying at home all day with your children is so very difficult and is the definition of HARD WORK. I’m willing to bet they would like a day where they can get dressed and not worry about someone sneezing applesauce all over their white capris. And let’s be honest, all of this judgment comes from jealousy and the very real of feeling of not doing a good job being a mom. Everyone knows good moms stay at home with their kids and don’t let other people raise them. Even if being a good mom means working to help support the family and providing food and shelter, that’s not really what society thinks. Somehow we are supposed to be able to stay home and support the family at the same time. Oh the duality. But…this blog is not about the Mommy Wars. It is about the attitude I project and the expectations I am setting.

The kids didn’t have school on a Monday and I used one of my vacation days to hang out with them. The Moose and I decided to go to our favorite yoga class which on Mondays is at 10:45 a.m. – a time we never get to go to because…school and work. So this was a treat. We were walking through our fancy gym and the Moose looks over at me and says, “look at all of these Westport Moms.” And I stopped in my tracks.

One of our favorite family shows is American Housewife, where Katie is a regular sized mom living in a rich town called Westport full of very thin rich moms who don’t work and do yoga all day. She is constantly railing on how thin they are and making fun of how many fitbits they wear. And this show is funny. However, it seems to have made an impression on our kids. I asked Moose what he meant. “Well, why aren’t they all working? They are here at the gym (it is implied that they can afford the gym). I think everyone should work even if they have a lot of money – you should still work.” Hmm…I can’t say I didn’t think to myself “What do these people do that they can be hitting the gym in the middle of the day?!” But I didn’t want my teenager to be judgy too. I had earned my right to judge, hadn’t I? I work and days like this were a novelty. But what does he know? Or better question, what had I been modeling?

Why did this feel so icky? Is it because he’s in no place to have an opinion or judgement on these people? On my most gracious day I figure they are all people who work a second or third shift. On my worst day I see the size 2 moms in their yoga clothes, dropping their kids off at the onsite daycare to go to spinning or yoga and think, nice life you have there. Not my best side. And now my son is feeling the same way. Even without saying anything to him, have I perpetuated this attitude?

And it’s not so much that he’s 13 and is judging these adults. It’s the fact that he’s going to be a man someday and could be judging these adults. What is he going to expect from his significant other? What am I modeling as a mom and woman? Does he think that the wife (should he choose to marry a woman of course) should have kids, work, and manage the house all at once? Does he know how hard I work? Does he know how much I complain, stress, don’t sleep, and worry about getting it all done? The endless lists of things to do that can’t be done while I’m at work? Does he think this culture of never resting, this status symbol of busy, is what is expected?

I’m not really setting a good example of what an awesome mom and woman should be. Sure, I work and parent the best I can. But there are a lot of days I’m just barely scrapping by. I missed getting the Squirrel into a swim meet because I missed the deadline – in my defense they moved it up three days and didn’t tell us until it was due – but still I missed it and now he’s not swimming in the meet. I’ve apologized and consider it one of the casualties of the end of the school year hustle. I literally can’t get it all done. Why are we eating sandwiches every night? Because we are beyond busy right now and I don’t have time to look up crockpot recipes so it’s grilled cheese night…again.

I’m not saying I’m not doing a good job. I am. I am doing the best I can and I acknowledge that sometimes my best is mediocre. But what do the Moose and Squirrel see? They see a mom who yells at them sometimes, who bakes fresh muffins and breakfast every Wednesday, cleans before work on Friday mornings, who goes off to work every day but still tries to make it to all of their school and sporting events. They don’t see the hustle and the scramble and the occasional tears and frantic texts to other moms because she cannot remember where practice is at. The flagged emails, the to-do lists that are literally 56 items long, and the fact that she gets up at 4:15 a.m. not because she wants to but because it’s the only time of day she can squeeze in a workout because good moms are also fit and healthy. They think her coffee addiction is cute, not a necessity, which it is because she could not hold it together without artificial assistance. They don’t know she looks at her tribe and says, “I’ve fucked it up again.” They don’t know she goes to therapy to hold it all together twice a month because she is never perfect enough.

So. In true Catholic fashion, I’ve found a way to own the blame for the Moose’s attitude and I feel guilty. What can I do? Maybe it’s time to scale back the hustle. To make these boys better future men and let them see behind the curtain of Oz, where I’m frantically spinning wheels and turning nobs to project a reality that simply isn’t real. Maybe this mom needs to sit down and read a book instead of starting dinner with her coat still on when she rushes in the door. Maybe this mom needs to have her sons cook dinner once a week instead. Part of that is setting down my expectation that I should be able to do it all – I love feeling like the perfect mom. But it’s Facebook-Syndrome isn’t it? (Can I trademark that?) The situation where it all looks like sunshine, unicorns and sparkles on the outside but on the inside it is constant exhaustion, anxiety and stress.

I’ve written about this before, but it’s time to put down the magic wand and start showing Cinderella as she really is – a girl in a slimy pumpkin being pulled by rats. I’ve always thought I needed to do this for myself but now I’m starting to realize I need to do this for my boys. I don’t want them to have expectations for themselves or their significant others that they can do it all. No one can. And if you have girls, you don’t want them thinking it too. Hell, I don’t want my friends thinking it anymore either! Someone has to break this cycle and be the Screw Up aka Real Mom. I’m willing to take one for the team and be the shining example of mediocrity. But instead of shooting for the stars and hitting the side of the barn, I’ll just shoot for the barn now.

Does this mean I won’t still plan special things for my kids or bake homemade cookies? No. I actually like doing that stuff. But it does mean I won’t beat myself up when I don’t want to socialize after work because my social energy for the day has been eaten by my job and I need some quiet, even if it makes me seem like a Not-Fun Mom. It means that I’ll stop trying to clean the whole house before work on Friday. It means I’ll do the fun stuff when I’m feeling good, not overwhelmed and running on empty. I think the key is to do the stuff you like when you feel good. For example, I like making summer bucket lists, not to tick off some Super Mom requirement, but because I love setting goals and trying new things. How do we know if we’ve crossed the line from stuff we enjoy doing to stuff we do so we look good? It’s when we don’t feel compelled to post it on social media - then we know it’s a green light. Now if you made the world’s most amazing cake, post it – way to go! But only post it if you would have also posted the fail picture if it hadn’t turned out. If we are only doing something so the outside can look amazing while the inside is dying, then we know it’s not healthy for us.

This will have to start tomorrow. I’ve already cleaned the house while the boys were eating their special Last Day of School Breakfast that I made. I’m not going to lie – I made them pose toasting their sparkling mocktails so I could take a picture. Fail! This change is going to take some time. Next year, special Last Day of School Breakfast will be cereal, unless I’m feeling well-rested – then they can eat muffins.