I’ve worked most of my life. I started walking beans when I
was in my early teens, then worked in restaurants, rebuilt flooded out park
trails, sold clothes, taught aerobics, sold lingerie, scooped ice cream, tried
to improve people’s health, and finally landed in higher education. I can only
think of a 3-month period since I was 16 when I wasn’t working – the brief time
between graduating high school and starting college. I’ve worked because I
needed the money and I’ve worked because I like what I do. I’ve never really
considered not working, even when I had kids. Sure, there are times where I’ve
daydreamed about being a stay-at-home mom, but sometimes the fact that I can go
to the bathroom by myself at work, which I still have a hard time accomplishing
with my kids now, is all I need to motivate me to put on my dress shoes and head
to the office.
So on those rare weekdays off I like to pretend that I am a
stay-at-home mom. I look around and see people out on walks with their kids,
going to the park and the library – DURING THE DAY! - and I think, is this what your life is like
every day? For me it is a precious novelty – being able to do those daytime
activities with my kids on a Monday. We go to the park, we go to the gym and
the mall, we read and do art. This is what the other half of the mommy world
looks like. And it looks pretty good. But then the next day it’s back to
business – vacation is over – and I head back to work. I wouldn’t say I regret
I didn’t stay home with my kids – it simply wasn’t an option. And it makes the
time I am home with them even more important.
But if I’m being honest, when I look around at the people
whose lives normally include a trip to the gym at 10:30 a.m. instead of 4:30
a.m. and the parents who can hit that 9 a.m. story hour at the library, I feel
a little sense of snobbery. I go to work every day. I don’t have the life that
allows me to sleep in and do things during the day. (SAHMs, please feel free to scream at me because I know in reality, you are NOT sleeping in.) I run the household and
clean and sign permission slips all after 5 p.m. and I still get it all done! And
I’ll admit, while exhausted, I feel a bit superior. I am a Super Mom. I work
and parent and get it all done – sometimes. And when I don’t get it done, I get
the pass for being a Working Mom. Look at me. Judging the Mommy Wars.
Fantastic. I said I was being honest, not proud.
I thought I kept most of these thoughts and attitudes to
myself, only occasionally sharing them with my fellow working moms. “How are WE
supposed to go to swim lessons at 10 a.m.? Don’t most people work? It’s for all
of those Stay-At-Homes…” How quickly we forget we are all in this battle
together. How quickly we forget that staying at home all day with your children
is so very difficult and is the definition of HARD WORK. I’m willing to bet
they would like a day where they can get dressed and not worry about someone
sneezing applesauce all over their white capris. And let’s be honest, all of
this judgment comes from jealousy and the very real of feeling of not doing a
good job being a mom. Everyone knows good moms stay at home with their kids and
don’t let other people raise them. Even if being a good mom means working to
help support the family and providing food and shelter, that’s not really what
society thinks. Somehow we are supposed to be able to stay home and support the
family at the same time. Oh the duality. But…this blog is not about the Mommy
Wars. It is about the attitude I project and the expectations I am setting.
The kids didn’t have school on a Monday and I used one of my
vacation days to hang out with them. The Moose and I decided to go to our
favorite yoga class which on Mondays is at 10:45 a.m. – a time we never get to
go to because…school and work. So this was a treat. We were walking through our
fancy gym and the Moose looks over at me and says, “look at all of these
Westport Moms.” And I stopped in my tracks.
One of our favorite family shows is American Housewife,
where Katie is a regular sized mom living in a rich town called Westport full of very thin rich
moms who don’t work and do yoga all day. She is constantly railing on how thin
they are and making fun of how many fitbits they wear. And this show is funny. However,
it seems to have made an impression on our kids. I asked Moose what he meant.
“Well, why aren’t they all working? They are here at the gym (it is implied
that they can afford the gym). I think everyone should work even if they have a
lot of money – you should still work.” Hmm…I can’t say I didn’t think to myself
“What do these people do that they can be hitting the gym in the middle of the
day?!” But I didn’t want my teenager to be judgy too. I had earned my right to
judge, hadn’t I? I work and days like this were a novelty. But what does he
know? Or better question, what had I been modeling?
Why did this feel so icky? Is it because he’s in no place to
have an opinion or judgement on these people? On my most gracious day I figure
they are all people who work a second or third shift. On my worst day I see the
size 2 moms in their yoga clothes, dropping their kids off at the onsite
daycare to go to spinning or yoga and think, nice life you have there. Not my
best side. And now my son is feeling the same way. Even without saying anything
to him, have I perpetuated this attitude?
And it’s not so much that he’s 13 and is judging these
adults. It’s the fact that he’s going to be a man someday and could be judging
these adults. What is he going to expect from his significant other? What am I
modeling as a mom and woman? Does he think that the wife (should he choose to
marry a woman of course) should have kids, work, and manage the house all at
once? Does he know how hard I work? Does he know how much I complain, stress,
don’t sleep, and worry about getting it all done? The endless lists of things
to do that can’t be done while I’m at work? Does he think this culture of never
resting, this status symbol of busy, is what is expected?
I’m not really setting a good example of what an awesome mom
and woman should be. Sure, I work and parent the best I can. But there are a
lot of days I’m just barely scrapping by. I missed getting the Squirrel into a
swim meet because I missed the deadline – in my defense they moved it up three
days and didn’t tell us until it was due – but still I missed it and now he’s
not swimming in the meet. I’ve apologized and consider it one of the casualties
of the end of the school year hustle. I literally can’t get it all done. Why
are we eating sandwiches every night? Because we are beyond busy right now and
I don’t have time to look up crockpot recipes so it’s grilled cheese
night…again.
I’m not saying I’m not doing a good job. I am. I am doing
the best I can and I acknowledge that sometimes my best is mediocre. But what
do the Moose and Squirrel see? They see a mom who yells at them sometimes, who
bakes fresh muffins and breakfast every Wednesday, cleans before work on Friday
mornings, who goes off to work every day but still tries to make it to all of
their school and sporting events. They don’t see the hustle and the scramble
and the occasional tears and frantic texts to other moms because she cannot
remember where practice is at. The flagged emails, the to-do lists that are
literally 56 items long, and the fact that she gets up at 4:15 a.m. not because
she wants to but because it’s the only time of day she can squeeze in a workout
because good moms are also fit and healthy. They think her coffee addiction is
cute, not a necessity, which it is because she could not hold it together
without artificial assistance. They don’t know she looks at her tribe and says,
“I’ve fucked it up again.” They don’t know she goes to therapy to hold it all
together twice a month because she is never perfect enough.
So. In true Catholic fashion, I’ve found a way to own the
blame for the Moose’s attitude and I feel guilty. What can I do? Maybe it’s
time to scale back the hustle. To make these boys better future men and let
them see behind the curtain of Oz, where I’m frantically spinning wheels and
turning nobs to project a reality that simply isn’t real. Maybe this mom needs
to sit down and read a book instead of starting dinner with her coat still on
when she rushes in the door. Maybe this mom needs to have her sons cook dinner
once a week instead. Part of that is setting down my expectation that I should
be able to do it all – I love feeling like the perfect mom. But it’s Facebook-Syndrome
isn’t it? (Can I trademark that?) The situation where it all looks like
sunshine, unicorns and sparkles on the outside but on the inside it is constant
exhaustion, anxiety and stress.
I’ve written about this before, but it’s time to put down
the magic wand and start showing Cinderella as she really is – a girl in a
slimy pumpkin being pulled by rats. I’ve always thought I needed to do this for
myself but now I’m starting to realize I need to do this for my boys. I don’t
want them to have expectations for themselves or their significant others that
they can do it all. No one can. And if you have girls, you don’t want them
thinking it too. Hell, I don’t want my friends thinking it anymore either!
Someone has to break this cycle and be the Screw Up aka Real Mom. I’m willing
to take one for the team and be the shining example of mediocrity. But instead
of shooting for the stars and hitting the side of the barn, I’ll just shoot for
the barn now.
Does this mean I won’t still plan special things for my kids
or bake homemade cookies? No. I actually like doing that stuff. But it does
mean I won’t beat myself up when I don’t want to socialize after work because
my social energy for the day has been eaten by my job and I need some quiet, even
if it makes me seem like a Not-Fun Mom. It means that I’ll stop trying to clean
the whole house before work on Friday. It means I’ll do the fun stuff when I’m
feeling good, not overwhelmed and running on empty. I think the key is to do
the stuff you like when you feel good. For example, I like making summer bucket
lists, not to tick off some Super Mom requirement, but because I love setting
goals and trying new things. How do we know if we’ve crossed the line from
stuff we enjoy doing to stuff we do so we look good? It’s when we don’t feel
compelled to post it on social media - then we know it’s a green light. Now if
you made the world’s most amazing cake, post it – way to go! But only post it
if you would have also posted the fail picture if it hadn’t turned out. If we
are only doing something so the outside can look amazing while the inside is
dying, then we know it’s not healthy for us.
This will have to start tomorrow. I’ve already cleaned the house while the boys were eating their special Last Day of School Breakfast that I made. I’m not going to lie – I made them pose toasting their sparkling mocktails so I could take a picture. Fail! This change is going to take some time. Next year, special Last Day of School Breakfast will be cereal, unless I’m feeling well-rested – then they can eat muffins.
