For the past seven years, I’ve sat in basketball gyms on my
weekends October through the beginning of March. It started out with basketball
league play, traveling to different gyms around the metro, and then we added in
basketball tournaments. Tournaments are full weekend affairs if you are lucky,
although I’ve always wondered if there was a way to make it so the winning team
got to leave the gym first, instead of the losing teams leaving by noon on a
Sunday. Also, can admission include just one drink ticket? These are just mere
suggestions of course…
One of the best things about basketball league and
tournament team is getting to know the boys and parents. We’ve seen the teams
shift in players over the years, adding players and losing players. When you
spend 10+ hours a weekend with people, they start to feel like extended family.
Which is why it was so hard to see the boys play their last tournament ever
this spring. How could these second graders have become small (and not so
small) men – morphing overnight into hairy, sweaty teenage eighth graders? They
are now all taller than I am and if they are like the Moose, they are stronger
than I am too.
Of course we are going to look at the photos of when they
first started – how could they have changed so much?! Time literally flies by
when you have children. Because somehow I’m still 27, but my baby is almost 14.
WE look the same, don’t we? WE haven’t changed over the past seven years. But
we have. Nothing like a milestone to make you reflect on yourself. And being
self-absorbed. That helps too.
When I think back seven years ago, I was such a different
parent and person. I was naïve, thin-skinned, and in a way innocent of what
parenting would be like. I was proud that we had grown up and made it through
middle school, high school and college and look at us now – we are adults…with
kids! We are so much more mature than we once were – we are responsible for
other people now! But then you find out that being a parent is much like being
in middle school again. And just like middle school, you have to find your
place in the crowd, all over again.
As a parent, feelings are hurt if you feel your kid is
slighted. You wonder who your friends are and who are your kid’s friends. There
is a tender phase in parenting that for a new parent is so difficult to
navigate. It will take you straight back to the 7th grade girls
locker room. There can be years of hurt and resentment. Then there are years of
learning that you don’t actually care. It is just like transitioning from
middle school to high school to college all over again. You grow and rediscover
who you are. It’s just harder this time because kids make things feel personal.
And it’s never personal. It never was. It just feels that way.
I’ve learned what is important and what isn’t. I went
through a few years of being chill (ha, who am I kidding!), followed by years
of caring about everything to now being more nonchalant. I’ve watched the dance
all of us parents do to shuffle for status. Who is talking to who? Who is
sitting by who? What does this all mean today? Is this just happening to me? If
you feel this way, find a seasoned parent that you really think is cool and
respect. They will tell you they went through the same thing. I still cling to
that conversation I had with some friends several years ago. What do you know –
this phase of parenting is normal! After a year or two of dancing, you realize
it doesn’t matter to you anymore and you gravitate to your people. And boy,
those people are awesome. I genuinely look forward to seeing these people. You
find your tribe. I love my tribe.
And I’ve relaxed. There were a few years there where things
were pretty stressful, but then again, parenting is stressful. It still is. But
the stressful stuff now is bigger and I’ve realized that a lot of the other
stuff is small. And that probably benefits my younger Squirrel who won’t have a
mom who flips out on every minor thing. Lucky for him. Perspective is my
favorite. And I’ve learned that a good laugh heals so much. I’ve let go of a
lot of control because if the act of parenting doesn’t wrestle it from your
white gripped hands, nothing will. It’s easier to roll with the punches now.
It’s easier to look at my kids and say, “No, it isn’t fair. But that doesn’t
mean you don’t work your butt off.” I sugar coat less and real life more. I’ve
learned that a well-timed F-bomb really does release tension.
Am I saying that I don’t care when I’m excluded now or feel
that my kid is being left out? No. I want them invited to the birthday parties,
bonfires, and put on the teams. But while it still stings, it doesn’t keep me
awake for months anymore. Maybe I’m only awake with anxiety, anger and fear for
a week now. But that’s progress. And if parenting wasn’t still hard, then I
wouldn’t be doing something right. If we are growing and experiencing new
things, then parenting will continue to be challenging. You learn (again) that
it’s better to hang out with your people rather than always trying to fit in
with everyone. And I’m oblivious a lot of the time and okay with it – not everything
requires my attention. I don’t know how many times I say, “No, I had no idea.
What the hell is juhling?” Or “Who is that? I don’t know them. They chased
someone in the cafeteria with a fork??” It’s important to have friends who know
the stuff you don’t to fill you in. I’ve learned I’m more introverted than I
thought and I’m getting more and more comfortable with that. I’d rather have
belly laughing tears with a handful of good friends than multiple light weight
conversations in a party of 40.
If you are a younger parent, I’m just warning you, there’s a
rough patch in there with braces, acne and secret notes again – yours, not your
kid’s. But then it gets good. It gets really good. It’s still hard, but good. Hang
in there. And I’m not naïve enough to think I won’t go through all this again
with the Squirrel – each kid is its own dance. But at least this time I’ll know
the music and I’ve seen the moves. And I know how to dance to my own drummer.
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