“Mom, they call me weird.”
I knew there was no way I’d get away parenting without
having to deal with some name calling, teasing, bullying. And I guessed it
would happen to my Squirrel, who has always marched to his own drummer. He’s
someone we’ve had to defend against adults who thought it would be “helpful” to
tell me how much he needs a haircut or should change his clothes. This always
pissed me off because his appearance reflects his personality and telling me my
son needs to cut his hair is like saying who he is just isn’t good enough for
you. And while I may just gently tell you to mind your own business, in my head
I’m telling you to fuck off. The fact that how he looks bothers you so much you
think you need to tell me he needs to conform to your version of acceptable tells
me more about you than him. So needless to say, I knew he’d be called names
eventually.
How do I explain that weird is awesome? Inventions, art,
music, science, books – all of those things come from people who think
differently. If you act like and think like everyone else, you will do what
everyone else does. And I have big plans for my kids. I need them to think
about things differently so that they can change the world in ways no one else
has before, because no one else has had those thoughts and ideas before. Weird
makes change. Average does not.
But…that’s a pretty ten-thousand-foot concept. And when you
are in second grade, you are thinking about what people are saying to you right
now, not that being unique means you’ll invent the latest technology, solve
world hunger, or write amazing music when you are older.
What is reassuring is that I’m not alone. Pink’s daughter is
bullied for her looks. Her kickass mom made a speech to her at the VMAs,
telling her she’s beautiful and amazing, no matter what other people say. If
Pink is going through this, then I’m in good company. I don’t have an awards
show to make a public declaration of affirmation so I’m going to have to go for
frequency.
But frequency is just not enough.
What’s tricky is that as an adult, how many times have you
talked about someone because they are different or “weird”? How many times have
we spent time with someone only to turn around and gossip about their short
comings to someone else? Can we get real? I’ll admit I’m guilty of this. I’m
guessing you might be guilty of this too. What an ugly, shameful side of me. I
want my kid treated with respect to be his own person and I am one of the
people who judges others for being different. We share blogs and memes about
how you should be unique and that one small act of kindness can change the
world, and in the next moment, we are trolling someone’s Facebook page with our
passive aggressive comments.
I have a friend and when she catches herself talking about
other people, she stops herself and says, “That’s not fair. I’m just saying
that to make myself feel better.” Oh my goodness, she is my hero. Because deep
down, I’m saying things to make myself feel better about my own choices and
when your choices are different than mine, I’m inclined to judge you because
what if you are doing it better than I am? Time to cut you down! It’s exactly
what I’m doing. It’s exactly what the kids on the playground are doing. And
it’s time to stop.
If we model the kindness and love we want our kids to show
to others, what would happen? Would they learn to treat others with respect,
even when they are different from us? It’s so easy to tell our kids about
bullying and how awful it is, but we forget that as adults we do it too. We say
shitty things on people’s social media pages and behind their backs. We don’t
count it as bullying because we are adults! Adults don’t do that. We only say
what needs to be said. Plus we are old enough now to know that it shouldn’t
hurt anymore.
Except that it does. Each week we witness a new horrific act
of violence and hatred and we say, how could that happen? How could someone
drive a car through a crowd of people? How could a madman gun down people at a
concert? How could someone threaten to shoot up a school? This world needs more
kindness. I don’t know what motivates these people. I’m guessing a lot of
mental illness, which is a whole different blog. But I’m guessing a lot of
hatred too. What if this person experienced just a little more grace and
kindness instead of judgement and hate? What if there was one person who showed
them a smile and did something helpful – would that be the tipping point to
convince a madman that the world really wasn’t all that awful? Maybe that’s
just way too simplistic. But what does it hurt to try? What if we could all be
a little weird and embraced for our differences? Would that change our mental
and emotional DNA?
The other day I passed a panhandler and handed him some dollars.
Then I walked to my destination. And I realized that I did not look this man in
the face when I handed him the money. I kept my eyes down, as though asking for
help and giving help were shameful acts. What a bitch. I was fortunate to walk
by him on my way back to my hotel. I looked him in the eyes, smiled and wished
him a good evening. (Side note: This is ridiculous. As I type, I realize I am
telling you a story about how I made the conscience effort to treat a man like
a human, with dignity. That should not be newsworthy. However. We treat people
who make us uncomfortable like they don’t deserve respect and kindness. But
there’s more to the story.) He didn’t say anything back. So I walked on.
Honestly, he didn’t owe me anything. I was the one who treated him like nothing
in the first place. Humanity as an afterthought can often be too little too
late. As I kept walking, I heard “Hey! You have a good night too!” He was
talking to me. I’m not sure if he was just slower with his response or just
surprised that someone talked to him. I can’t assume to know his life. But I do
know that I caught myself withholding kindness and decency because someone
lives a different story than I do. It’s time my life involves more kindness,
even if it feels a little a little stilted, a little uncomfortable. I saw a
side of me that I didn’t like and I can change that. I owe that to society. I
owe that to my kids.
So yes, I’m still going to tell my Squirrel all the time
that it’s okay to be weird and different. Weird and different are the
definition of creative. And I’m going to remind my kids to be kind to others,
to talk to the kid that has no friends, to smile at someone who has a blank
expression. But I’m going to do it too. I’m going to recognize that sometimes
my knee jerk reaction to others is because I’m trying to make myself feel
better. We can feel good about ourselves without stepping on someone to bring
us up. I’m going to remember that everyone is a person and should be treated
with dignity. Is this going to be easy? Nope. Our culture is to climb on others
to make ourselves higher. But nothing worth doing is easy. Will I see a change
in the world? Maybe, maybe not. Does it matter? We don’t always have to witness
the good to be a better person. I challenge you to join me. Let’s make the
world a better place. Fly your freak flag and mind your words. As they say in “The
Four Agreements” (great book), be impeccable with your word. Sometimes it’s all
you have control over.
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