To whom it may concern:
I heard your organization had an opening for Mom and I would
like to apply. I believe that I possess many of the qualities you are looking
for in a candidate, as you can see from my resume which I have enclosed.
Your job description listed several required qualifications,
including personal shopper, cook, baker, chauffeur, office organizer,
housecleaner, seamstress, artist, mind reader, psychologist, funeral director,
gardener, nurse, doctor, handy man, hair dresser, writer, personal assistant,
copy editor, event planner, decorator, grief counselor, mathematician and
personal trainer. While my academic history does not support all of these
qualifications in a traditional sense, I feel as though my experience makes up
for what I lack in the classroom.
For example, I can perform under pressure and take
criticism. These are not skills that can be learned in the classroom. Once I
found myself in a situation where dinner needed to be made, one son had to be
taken to a concert and another son had homework to do before said concert. In
the midst of this, it was discovered that a pet hermit crab had died. My first
response was to throw it in the garbage and immediately I was rebutted. I
handled the criticism well and completely changed tactics to ones of empathy
and gravity. While cooking tacos, I crafted a make shift coffin for the crab
and we held a eulogy over dinner. I am proud to say we still made it to the
concert on time. This was a great learning experience for me. Clearly I was
insensitive for considering that dead hermit crabs should be disposed of in the
garbage (honestly my first instinct was to flush it in the toilet but I
reconsidered – perhaps that is only an appropriate burial for fish. What would
the Little Mermaid do?) I am glad I had an opportunity to understand the very
human characteristics of hermit crabs and why they are such sensitive pets that
deserve our utmost respect. I believe this example not only showcases my
ability to work under pressure but to also learn new skills in a rapidly
changing environment. Additionally, the coffin was showcases my artistic
ability with limited supplies.
I understand that a certain personality type is desired for
the position of Mom. She must be fun, patient, spontaneous, loving, kind and
smart. I believe I will bring my unique spin to this position if chosen as your
ideal candidate. I believe that while being fun, Mom must also balance
responsibility. She must be patient but also know when it is time to hurry. She
must be smart but humble enough for you to teach her new facts you learned at
school and from your friends. She must be quick to laughter. I will admit that
this can sometimes be a weakness for me as I have accidentally laughed when one
of my sons was stung by wasps, although in my defense it was the second time it
had happened that day and was following a “I hate nature” monologue of that son
just said prior to the second stinging. I like to frame it as lending levity to
an unfortunate circumstance. In my past, I have tried to find ways to mix fun
with life’s mundane routines. An example is an initiative I call Wake Up
Wednesday, where I make breakfast on Wednesday mornings, also known as Hump
Day, to break up the routine school week. I appreciate that too much fun can sometimes
hurt the bottom line so I have found inexpensive ways to motivate, such as the
rule that if there is a new kind of Oreo, you must purchase it. This
inexpensive incentive costs a mere $3 and can lighten any grocery trip.
Currently I am on the hunt for the Cookie Butter Oreo. We shall not speak of
the Root Beer Float Oreos, the only time this fun game has backfired.
During my research into your organization, I have learned
that you expect perfection, regardless of the circumstances. I have heard that
you do not tolerate tardiness or insubordination. Serving the wrong cheese or
“demanding” that you do your homework will not be tolerated. Frequent
performance reviews are common in your organization and one must not be crushed
by such mundane pressures as being in two places at once. Hours are 6 a.m.
until 10 p.m. and of course a 24-hour on call rotation every day. I appreciate
that you do not have a non-complete clause, which will allow me to have a
full-time job in addition to this one. From the contract that I have reviewed,
it looks like you only take 98% of my earnings should I take a “second” job,
which seems reasonable.
In closing, I know you have many candidates to consider for
the prestigious position of Mom. I hope my qualifications are competitive. I
will follow up on my application before bedtime stories tonight.
Thank you for
your time and consideration – I know that you are very busy catching up on the
same season of Gravity Falls for the fifteenth time and catching Pokémon with
your phone.
Sincerely,
Jenny, MBA (Mom of Boys Alone)
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