A Memo to Management

To: Senior Management

From: Jenny, Personal Assistant to Senior Management, aka Mommy

Re: Proposal in regards to recent complaints

Thank you for your recent honest assessment of my job performance. I acknowledge the fact that I have been absent one night a week for a total of two hours and I am sorry that my absence has bothered you. I would like to point out that while you have been unhappy that I have gone to a yoga class these past few Wednesdays, my performance in other aspects has been satisfactory and as such, I would like to propose that I continue taking these classes. I would like to support my position with the following facts:

1. For the last 8 years, I have been on call 24/7. While I embrace the fact that this is a job requirement as Mom, I would like to be able to do something for myself during regular working hours. Most employees would receive a break during the day. Usually I take my personal time between the hours of 4 - 6 a.m.; occasionally I would like to step away for a short amount of time between 6 a.m. - 4 a.m., just once a week.

2. Since having children, I recognize that sleep is a privilege, not a right. Please see point #1 regarding my work schedule. I am on-call all hours of the day and at any moment am prepared to jump out of bed to attend a thirsty-request or clean up your puke (which you forget to mention until I stick my hand in it in the dark.)

3. I know that I am away from the house on a regular basis for "work." My job provides your house, food and transportation, among other amenities. I do consider this part of my responsibilities as Mom and do not count this as "personal time."

4. In my spare time while you are sleeping or playing without me, I plan your birthday parties, sleep overs, schedule your camps, make your meals and buy you new shoes. I do not foresee my one-hour of yoga a week impacting my job duties as Mom.

5. I thoroughly enjoy watching your soccer, football, basketball, scouts, music classes and gym classes. I had hoped that one yoga a class for me would be acceptable in our family schedule.   

6. This particular yoga class, while it does take me away from you, reduces my stress-levels to something that resembles human again, which I think we can all agree, is a good thing. As you can see in points 1-5, I have dedicated my life to taking care of you and occasionally need to do something for me, however selfish it may appear.  This yoga class also addresses another important issue, my body. We do not usually bring this up, as it is a sensitive subject, but creating you has fucked up my body on record levels. I would do it again in less than a heartbeat, but reality must be faced. I have several pounds to drop and a stomach area that requires serious toning. I can live with the 7 inch c-section scar, simply because I can't do anything about it. But I would like to address the other sub-par areas on my physical being.

I hope you will consider my proposal for just a touch of life balance. I hope we can meet over a quick dinner of chicken nuggets to discuss it in further detail. Thank you for your time and consideration.