A New Recipe for the Next Potluck

I dedicate this post to my mom, who couldn't stop laughing when I told her this story. And to all the other moms out there finding themselves doing things they never thought they'd do, all for their children.

It was 9 p.m. on Wednesday night and I was just starting to mix up my new recipe. As I added ingredients, the concoction got smellier and thicker. What was I doing? Making a late notice treat for Max's class? Nope. Working on a science project? Nope. I was making magic butt cream.

Let's rewind 3 hours.

A little background information: whenever the Rock is on an antibiotic, he has HORRIBLE diaper rashes. The kind that blister regardless of creams, potions and rapid diaper changes. As if nothing could make changing a poopy diaper worse, a toddler screaming in pain as you clean him actually makes the experience even crappier (ooh! a pun!). So in desperation, I call the nurse. Now I've seen my fair share of diaper rashes and I consider myself to be a relatively level-headed mom. So for me to call the nurse means this was a Code Red diaper rash. She finally calls me back around 6 p.m.

Me: "I've got this awful diaper rash that I can't get rid of. We've used vasoline, Butt Paste, anti-fungal cream, and hydrocortizone cream, but nothing works. What can we do?"
Nurse: *speaks confidentially as though she is telling me the world's largest secret* "Do you have a piece of paper and a pen? I have a recipe for you that one of the doctors is giving out. It should work."
Me: "Shoot anytime you are ready."
Nurse: "Mix together half a tube of Desitin, half a tube of A&D ointment, add 1 big tablespoon of Bacitracin and 1 tablespoon of Malox."
Me: "Did you say Malox?" *how dare I question the secret recipe!*
Nurse: *laughs at my naive question* "Yes, Malox. It soothes. Call if that doesn't work, but I think it will."

I take the Moose to religious education class and run to Walgreens afterwards with my recipe in hand. I fill my basket with the ingredients, double checking my notes as I shop. Max looks questioningly at me but at this point, I am willing to try anything and am blindly trusting this nurse and her secret magic butt cream. It was not lost on me that when I was younger, my late night trips to the store did not involve getting things for butt cream. But then again, when I was younger, 8:30 p.m. wasn't late.

Twenty-six dollars later I drive home and gather up the tupperware and measuring spoons. I'm pretty sure the people who invented Tupperware never thought their expensive containers would be used for butt cream. I start mixing together the foul smelling stuff, with Pete looking over my shoulder with a questioning expression. It doesn't take long to mix it up and now we wait to use it the next morning. I make a few comments that this is the most expensive butt cream I've ever bought and I had to mix it all together to boot. Please understand that I am the type of person who is more than willing to buy something pre-made than make it myself so mixing up butt cream is not something I signed up to do.

The next morning is the moment of truth. We slather on this noxious cream and wait. And what do you know. The stuff actually works. And I am ecstatic. And here's a bit of truth about motherhood. When it comes to your kid, you will do anything for them and try anything to make them feel better. I've held a puking boy just to comfort him while he feels awful. And I will make a late night shopping trip to buy a bunch of random stuff and mix up a crazy recipe just because a nurse I've never met tells me it will work. And I feel like I am on top of the world to have found something that actually works against the Diaper Rash from Hell. I am as excited about this as I would be if I found a cream that REALLY did take away cellulite.

This Secret Magic Butt Paste recipe is posted on my fridge now so I can whip up a batch whenever I need it. And the next time you ask me for a recipe to include in a cookbook, I'm going to consider this one. And you know what? Chances are you'll want the butt paste recipe rather than another chocolate cake recipe. Because you are a mom.