A year ago we moved into our house. Right away I could tell
I was in trouble. I’m a competitive person and I had moved next door to a Super
Mom. She always wore a smile, she had proof of Pintrest hanging from her door,
she was always running her kids to various activities, and her front porch was
always tastefully decorated. Great. So she worked, crafted, kept her kids
involved and smiled about it? I simply cannot compete. No lie, it’s been a year
and while I found our wreath hanger, it is hanging, empty, on my front door. When
I leave the house with the kids to go to various activities, I am usually
hollering (not smiling) to see if we remembered everything. How did this lady
have everything together? And here’s the rub. She was really nice too. She
welcomed me to the neighborhood and was perfectly fine when my boys invited
themselves over or bombarded her in her driveway with 20 minute long stories of
how we went to the park. Super. Mom. I admitted defeat within the first 6
months…after I bought a bunch of Halloween decorations at Walmart on November 1
last year – a girl can dream, right?
And then, more suddenly than the word “suddenly” conveys,
she was gone. She was younger than me and she died. I don’t know what happened
– she was a healthy young woman – and frankly, it isn’t my business. What matters
to me is that this amazing mom is gone. And she left behind two young boys, a
grieving husband and an incredibly long list of friends and family. I wish I
had known her better – I always thought we’d have more time to get to talk as
our boys grew up. Friends, it is so sad. It is sad in a way that just makes you
stop. And I don’t stop often.
What I do know is that she had just spent the weekend
camping and having family time. Photos show unplugged time spent outdoors with
smiling kids and parents on a beautiful day. And what struck me is that we
really don’t know when our last day will be and without knowing it, this mom
got to spend it, soaking in her kids, on a great day. I reflected on my moments
before we found out about our neighbor, and they were spent doing housework
while yelling at my kids to stop fighting and sending them to their rooms. This
day does not reflect every day in our lives, but it represents quite a few of
them. This is not the kind of mom I want to be.
I struggle to just be. I usually want to be productive in
some manner. I’ve been working on just enjoying the moment – notice how I can
even turn that into something to do. But my neighbor’s passing made me think of
things I might be missing out on by constantly ticking things off a to-do list.
I wanted to be a more relaxed mom, a mom who could let things go, could let
kids be kids. I wanted to enjoy every moment that I have with these little
beams of light that are my children. I wanted them to be happy all of the time.
So for a few days, I did everything I could to refrain from
yelling at my kids or getting frustrated with them. For their part, they made
sure this was a challenge. At one point, after patiently telling my Squirrel he
could either stop climbing up on the entertainment table or he could go to his
room, he looked at me, put his hands on his hips and simply said “No.” No to
what I asked. “No to everything you just said,” he replied and walked away.
Clearly this wasn’t working. But I needed to remember that every moment could
be our last – what if something happened to me or God forbid them – and our last
interaction was a standoff about using my furniture like a jungle gym. I can’t
have that! But my kids were acting like assholes and I didn’t know how much
longer I could tolerate it.
My neighbor boys are wonderful little kids. They are polite
and curious and I genuinely like it when they visit. And it occurred to me…my
neighbor and her husband were raising great kids. And great kids are loved on
but also have rules to follow – you cannot have anarchy-style parenting and
well-behaved children at the same time. I have no doubts that she would have
told her kids to stop trying to climb up the bookshelves and to put their
clothes away. And I realized that being a Super Mom means there has to be a
balance, love and boundaries. It is not the outside of the house that makes you a Super Mom, it's what happens on the inside of the house. And I knew my neighbor knew that.
So now I remember to practice more patience than before. I remember
to slow down, sit down and talk about the things that excite them, even if it
is Minecraft and Pokemon, even if I have a million things to do. I have
rebooted our bedtime routine so that we snuggle in my bed and read stories at
night. But the Moose and Squirrel still have chores to do and rules to follow.
Because being a Super Mom means not raising assholes. Love doesn’t mean letting
anything go, never saying no and not giving our children responsibilities just because
chores are boring. It means that when someone comes out of their room after a
time out, they know that you are there waiting for a hug. And that yes, the
dishwasher needs to be unloaded (AGAIN!) because families help each other. And
yes, I will read you another story. If anything should happen to me, my
legacies are these two little boys and I want them to be fantastic men when
they grow up.
