Hygge Day or Snuggles, Sofas and Stew

You guys. The fall. It is SO MUCH. It is the first day of school, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, birthdays, football season, school conferences, so many fundraisers, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Tae Kwon Do, school pictures, show choir, apple orchards, jack-o-lanterns. Now I love fall and fancy coffee drinks and beautiful trees as much as the next person. And I really do love football and the new school year and apple orchards. But whenever you cram so much into three short months, no matter how much you love all of it, it is still overwhelming. And now that I only have my loves every other weekend so it’s even harder to do all of the mom things I want to do with them.

So when I found our first free weekend in months, I wanted to celebrate. Do we go to the movies and dinner? Do we visit friends? Do we have friends over for a party? Or…do we have an intentional weekend of nothing? But not planning anything - that's not quite how I do things. So in true Jenny fashion, I’m making this free weekend into a holiday – a Hygge-Day to be exact.

I’ve been in love with this idea of Hygge since I heard about it a few years ago. From what I’ve read from non-educational websites, it’s Danish and is the art of being cozy, comfortable and chill. Supplies? Blankets, loungewear, comfy socks, candles, hot cocoa, books, movies, board games, pastries and stew. This sounds like exactly what my family needs. So much of the time I feel like all we are doing is running from one thing to another, crashing in bed, getting up and repeating. I know I’m preaching to the choir. We need a weekend to reconnect, reset and recharge. We need a Hygge-Day.

I told the boys about my grand idea. Hmm…reading? No screens? I’m not getting many fans. But then I mention comfy blankets, candles, board games, family movie time, candles, popcorn, hot cocoa, pajamas, candles, stew and pastries. Did I mention candles? (For some reason, candles are really important for Hygge!) I should have just led with the pastries. We are all in. Ok, they aren’t 100% sold on the reading time, but I am. And we can do art, writing (okay maybe just me) and Legos too. We are all so excited  for this Hygge-Day.

What’s awesome about Hygge is that it is celebrates being happy with what you have – you don’t need fancy blankets or socks. Now I do have to do some prep work for our Hygge-Day because naturally I’m going to make a production out of our weekend of nothing, but even I am going to try to keep it simple. I’m going to run out and get the required candles, hot cocoa, marshmallows and tea. I’ll swing by the Bake Shoppe to make sure we are stocked on pastries. Friday night everyone will make their pile of books and we will find games we all want to play and movies we all want to watch to eliminate the stress of the inevitable fights we always have. And I’ll pre-cut all of the veggies for Moose’s favorite chicken stew because this is a chill day for me too.

If this goes according to plan, this might become my favorite tradition that we break out more than once a year. Because even my kids are craving downtime from the wicked schedules we keep. Snuggling on the sofa all day as a family is exactly what we all need before going into the holiday season – especially this year as we all navigate the new life we have together.

So if you can’t reach us next weekend, we will be unplugged yet plugged into each other. Phones and tablets will be powered down but we will be recharging. Doors shut, hearts open. Lights off, Hygge on.  

My Advice for Navigating Your Friend’s Divorce or Divorce is Not Lord Voldemort

I just read the Pema Chodron book, When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times, and it says that when bad things happen to us, it is a gift because it teaches us empathy and compassion. And that is so true. When I got divorced, I realized how much I’ve been doing it wrong with my friends who have gone through this already. So here are my tips for you when your friend is going through divorce. Hopefully you’ll be a better friend than I have been.

1. You can ask us about the divorce. I know you are afraid we are going to fall apart. And maybe we will. Maybe we won’t. Think of it like playing the lotto. You won’t know if you will win unless you play. I have talked for an hour about the divorce completely dry eyed and I have broken into sobs in a Subway talking about Christmas traditions for 3 minutes. It is possible that your friend feels out of control and that feels awful. Please just bear with us. We hate feeling this way but it is better when our friends hand us a tissue if we are losing our shit. Divorce is not catchy. If you acknowledge it, you won’t catch it. I promise. But pretending that a huge earthquake has not crashed through our world is kind of annoying. Some of us feel embarrassed that we failed at marriage. We might have made promises to God or to our families that we couldn’t keep. And the reasons for our divorce are often embarrassing too – cheating, addiction, finances. I know this requires you to step up in front of shame and that is hard and awkward for everyone. But please do it anyway.

2. And we may not want to talk about the divorce! Isn’t that fun? I tell you to ask us about it and then tell you we may not want to talk about it. I know. I am putting a lot of responsibility on you as a friend. But I don’t know anyone who has gone through divorce that hasn’t felt completely fragile and we know we don’t make a lot of sense. But sometimes we just want to hear all about your life and your kids and your job so we can pretend we live your life for a bit. You’ll have to feel it out. We appreciate your patience.

3. Ask us how we are TODAY. That last part is important. Because if you ask us how we are, we will say fine. Every. Single. Time. Because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we really do WANT to be fine. But we probably are not fine. If you ask again and you ask how we are TODAY, we might give you an honest answer. Asking how we are TODAY acknowledges that how we feel changes weekly, daily, hourly and by the minute. We could have an email from our lawyer or text from our ex that totally changes our day. So even if we really are fine at 8 a.m. we might be a disaster by 4 p.m. Is that messy? Sure is. We hate the roller coaster of the emotions too. It is draining.

4. Friends, divorce is scary! So scary! There is paperwork, signatures and finding a lawyer you can trust. There is the MONEY – lawyers are expensive and we don’t know how to pay for that. And divorce means we are losing something. We are losing time with our kids, we are losing financial security, we are losing family, we are losing friends and we could be losing our house. Imagine just one of those things happening to you and then put them all together at once. Some of us don’t know where we are going to live or how we are going to buy groceries. Oh, and we have no control over a lot of our circumstances. We are at the mercy of the courts and are fighting fighting fighting for what is most important to us. And we don’t know how that will go. We won’t sleep for months. We will lose 20 pounds because we cannot swallow food because we are full of fear. Or we will gain 20 pounds because food is the only thing that feels good to us. We know we should take better care of ourselves but right now, just the basics are all we can handle and by basics, I mean we got showered that day – that is a win. So if we are having a hard time focusing on being a good friend or concentrating at work, it is because we are in a heightened state of fear. Please have grace and toss us a mulligan.

5. Divorce is exhausting. There is so much to do – it can be a part time job. There are papers to read, meetings to attend, checks to write, decrees to go over with a fine-toothed comb, financial documents to gather. And your friend is doing this stuff alone – there is no spouse to help them with it. And they may be transitioning to single parent status which makes things more complicated. So maybe offer to drive their kids to practice or send them a Starbucks gift card. I promise you that they will appreciate it. They will thank you when they have the energy. But it may be a while.

6. Bring us casseroles and send cards. If your friend had a death in the family, everyone would rally around them. You guys, your friend DID lose a family member. And even if they are better off, it is still sad. No matter how much they didn’t get along or if it was abusive, the hope and dreams of the future are gone. And that is deeply sad. And it is so amazing to not have to worry about cooking dinner for our kids or to get a well-timed card in the mail. I can’t tell you the number of times I got a surprise card in the mail that literally got me through the next day. It may seem small to you, but even just a text about how amazing your friend is, can be just the thing they need to keep fighting.

7. Divorce isn’t fair. Like not in the “life isn’t fair” kind of way but IT IS NOT FAIR. Even if the ex cheated and gave your friend chlamydia, it doesn’t mean your friend gets the house, all of the retirement, full custody and the dog. Divorce is surprisingly black and white – add up the assets and the liabilities and split it. Child support is a formula. It will never feel fair to anyone. Telling your friend that she (or he) needs to fight more or get a new lawyer or whatever isn’t always helpful. Our lawyers know more than we do. And there are a lot of hard things to swallow that we don’t have control over. And we have to balance the importance of the question with the $150 bill that email will come with. Now, that being said, if we are feeling angry and indignant, we want you to be there with us – be mad with us! If we sound defeated, be supportive but please don’t make us explain why the ex who never saved still gets half of your friend’s retirement. It sucks and we don’t want to think about it.

8. Acknowledge the big days. We don’t suddenly forget when our wedding anniversary was when we sign the divorce papers. That first birthday single? That can be rough. Even if the divorce was a great thing for your friend, those days can still be sad. Don’t pretend that they should just be a regular day. Ask your friend how she is doing. Just recognizing that you are there can make that day a lot easier. We know we are strong. We know we are brave. But we are also sad and feel conflicted. Please don’t make us qualify everything with “But things are so much better.” Things CAN be so much better but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

9. We can’t just throw out the wedding photos. Or maybe we can. Some things are easier to part with than others. Give us some time. There will be a day when we ask you to come over to help us get rid of the wedding dress and the other mementos. Or maybe we won’t. As many books, podcasts and articles there are about divorce, none of us go through it the same.

I’m not going to pretend that I know everything or that these tips cover all of the different situations your friends are going through. And we all handle divorce, react to it and feel about it differently. But this can at least help you get started holding their hand during one of the more challenging times they’ll face. None of this is easy. I am asking you to be brave. I’ve learned that instead of pretending nothing is happening, I will lean in to my friends’ pain now, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I will say the hard things that might cause a reaction, like, “It’s not okay, it never was okay, and you need to know that everything that happened to you wasn’t anything you deserved and someone needs to tell you that,” because those things need to be verbalized even if they make her cry because it is a truth she needs to hear. And I will check on my friends often, rather than treating the divorce like Voldemort – He Who Should Not Be Named.

Everything I’ve learned has been from my friends. I have amazing friends that know how to lean in to hard situations. They texted, sent cards, flowers and fun gifts, they called, they picked up the phone when I called. They lent their expertise. They drove my kids places. They didn’t shy away from the tears but instead gave me hugs and picked me up off the floor. They ranted and raged when I needed them to, they gave me hard truths when I needed them but didn’t want them. God bless these friends. They inspire me to be a better person. It is my turn to pass it along. 

My 6 Month Performance Review or Friends, I Bought Oil...Like a Boss

Well it’s been six months since my official conscious uncoupling. There have been ups and downs. Now seems like a good time for a quick performance review. Not that a good review or a bad review changes anything other than my self-esteem. 😊  

Accomplishments and Growth Opportunities:

1.       THE LAWN

a.       Success: I mowed a lawn with a push mower. Granted this only happened once until I outsourced this to the Moose. But I still did it once. Lots of blisters and I needed a few drinks once I was done. But still one for the win column.

b.       Success: I learned how to buy gas for the mower. Hey, mowers take gas! I got to buy one of those little red containers and fill it with the right gas. Thankfully a neighbor gave me a quick run down of mower fluids so I think I did it right.

c.       Growth opportunities: Learn how to use that funnel thing that comes with the red gas container. Seriously, I don’t know what to do with it but it seems important.

2.       THE HOUSE

a.       Success: I learned how to put in a furnace filter. Again, thank you to the neighbors for teaching me about furnace filters!

b.       Growth opportunities: I’m not 100% sure I’m putting in the filter pointing the right way. But a new filter pointing the wrong way is better than an old filter pointing the right way…right?

c.       Success: I learned how to fix appliances. Okay so I learned how to make the refrigerator cooler by pushing some buttons. And when the roku stopped working, I got a new one and reprogrammed it. When the power cord disconnected from the TV because of my dumb cats, I reconnected it (maybe I cried and waited a day to figure it out but still!) And I bought a new computer charging cord. All me. Magic!

d.       Success: I fixed the cabinet door. I actually found a screw and screwed it into a hinge. Yes. I’m basically a carpenter now.

e.       Growth opportunities: I just need to fix my curtain rod in my room and replace the screen on my screen door.  And maybe work on my deck. And figure out basic plumbing stuff.

f.        Growth opportunities: Getting the damned printer to work. I cannot get my printer to talk to my new wifi and laptop. And I’m sure it has something to do with uninstalling it on my laptop and reinstalling it. But buying a whole new printer just sounds easier…

g.       Growth opportunities: Two words. Christmas Lights.

3.       FIRES

a.       Success: I learned how to light a grill. My parents bought me a grill! And even showed me how to start it. First step!

b.       Growth opportunity: Next step, learn how to cook meat with it.

c.       Growth opportunity: Learn how to make a fire in the fire pit. This was an epic fail this summer. There’s always next year!

4.       THE CAR

a.       Success: I got my car fixed when it was broken. Not only have I found an awesome mechanic shop (shout out to Finishline in Grimes!) but I’ve even gotten my car in twice for oil changes, like a responsible adult.

b.       Exceptional performance: I even bought oil for my car myself and figured out what kind I needed. And this all happened on vacation and I didn’t freak out when my oil light came on. Just bought oil and put it in! Like Beyonce would! Who runs the world, huh? And a thank you to my good friends Denise and Ryan for teaching me how to open my car hood and where the oil goes. Otherwise this would have been a very different story.

                                                               i.      You guys, I even bought jumper cables the other day. Because I feel like that’s something I probably will need someday. Mic drop.

5.       RESOURCES

a.       Success: I learned how to ask for help. So many times I’ve reached out for help. Help with money, help with learning new things like how to turn on a mower or change out a light bulb, and help when I’m crying in a hotel room while my kids are playing at the arcade. The amount of times I’ve reached out for help during these 6 months is more than I have asked for help in 40 years. It is still difficult but getting easier. And that's a success. 

In all seriousness, I’ve had to do things that were scary and outside of my wheelhouse during these six months. And I know that I’ve only just begun learning all the things that you have to do with a house and as the only adult here, I get to step up – asking for help, asking for lessons, asking for luck. I literally keep a running list of things I need to learn how to do. And this year I learned to Mom harder than I ever have and it was way more difficult than keeping track of lunch money and sports schedules – this was about hearts and souls. But sometimes the small small wins like figuring out how to reconnect my TV to a power source provide the motivation for the bigger things, like teaching my babies how to accept change. So here’s to learning more new things and having bigger adventures. And when I tell you that I figured out how to turn up the cooling in my freezer (that we accidentally turned down trying to change ice cubes to ice shavings), you can smile, nod and give me a fist bump. I know it’s small and silly. But it’s the little successes that keep me going and feeling like a boss.

Faith versus Fear or Fear is a Four Letter F Word

I was sitting in church one morning and the pastor was talking about faith and fear. And all of a sudden a four letter word popped into my head (surprising I know…) “WALL.” And the pastor is talking about living fearlessly and loving every one. That when we give love away, we end up with more. I thought, this whole Wall thing is garbage. Here we are saying that we are trying to keep out the bad guys – the rapists, the murderers and the drug dealers. And all I hear is fear, fear, fear - another four letter word, possibly the worst four lettered F word I know. We are basing our foreign policy on fear. God is sitting up there thinking, “What the hell Friends? I gave you this Earth and told you to love each other and here you are screwing up that one simple rule all because you decided to draw some dumbass line in the dirt so you could exclude people.”**  And then we closed church by singing a song that said “We are called to love one another.” And oddly enough there wasn’t an asterisk after that to say, “but only if they are United States citizens.” God is just up there shaking his head over this Wall thing. Bad people come from everywhere including the United States. From my Catholic roots, the prayer of St. Francis says where there is hatred let me sow love - not build a wall.

Isn’t fear a funny thing? So much of our violence, anger, strife and war is fear-based. We are afraid of people we don’t know, religion we don’t understand, people taking things from us, being less-than, the unknown, being found out for who we really are. Fear creeps up and in the moment is all encompassing. Standing up against fear takes faith. Faith in yourself, faith in other people to be true and faith in your higher power to have your back. 

Isn’t some fear good? How do you know it is fear to listen to or fear to blow off? There’s a difference. Fear is not a Sixth Sense. We are all blessed with a Sixth Sense that tells us when to run, who not to trust, when to cross the street. Every time I’ve had a Sixth Sense, it’s been right. I had a sense the night I was robbed that I would be robbed (dudes, I know that is crazy but it is true.) I have a sense when someone is lying to me. I have a sense when someone is not safe for my kids. That’s not fear, that is a blessing of insight. That voice, you listen to. 

But whenever I’ve succumbed to fear, I have regretted my decisions. I was afraid I would not be able to heal my kids from divorce and instead stayed in a marriage too long. I was afraid I would not be able to support my kids financially on my own. I was afraid to eat because then I wouldn’t be perfect. Where was my faith in myself, my faith in other people, my faith in a God to catch me? No decision I have made from fear has ever been healthy. 

Instead now I think about my values – my core essence of who I am – when I make decisions. Even big scary ones. And now when I have a big throat full of fear, I know enough to double check that. Is this decision the best for me - is this a sign I am growing and stretching or does it not fit with my values? Am I freezing because of fear or because that is what I need to do to stay true to who I am? Does this choice fit with who I am – is it kind, is it honest, is it trusting, is it generous, is it loving? 

Does this always work out for me? Heck no. Sometimes the brave thing to do is to give someone a second chance when they don’t deserve it and it backfires. Do I regret it? No, because it fit with my values of being kind, generous, loving and trusting. Does this make me seem naïve? Maybe. Maybe a faith in myself, other people and in God is foolish. But I’d rather live my values than miss out on an opportunity to do and be something amazing. And that phrase, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Nope. For me it is fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you’re a dick. I never regret trusting people and if it was a poor choice, that’s a reflection on them, not me.

This has been a season of fighting fear. I was scared out of my mind to be a single parent. I was scared to show others the inside of my life and it wasn’t as great as it seemed. I was scared to walk into church as a single woman, feeling like damaged goods. And I am scared to open up my heart again because for me love has been a lot of pain. But every time these past 2 years I have taken a pause and thought, is this fear making me hesitate or is this a chance to live my values, even if it is scary? Because I will not let fear drive my decisions anymore. As long as it fits who I am, I know I am making the right choice. And I have taken leaps of faith and they have always been worth it. Back to my friend St. Francis, where there is doubt, faith. Amen.

**If you have read my blogs at all, you know that my God and I swear like pirates.

True Colors or What's Really Brave

This spring I was talking to the Moose and he was complaining about the song “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Ugh, this song is the worst! He can’t stand it! He doesn’t want to sing this song for choir! And I am dumbfounded. This song is amazing! Listen to the lyrics! I mean, yes, it’s from the 80’s. Yes, the song is featured in the movie “Trolls” which we can both agree is a terrible movie. But c’mon! “True Colors” is an anthem! Cyndi Lauper sang about being true to yourself and that was okay to be you when other music sang about sex, drugs and broken hearts. It was the first song I remember about loving who you are; now plenty of music talks about how you are special, but back then, not so much. Cyndi Lauper has long been an advocate for the LGBTQ community before we knew what LGBTQ stood for. What is there not to love?

Moose informs me that EVERYONE knows that they should be themselves. It’s plastered all over the school. EVERYONE knows we should respect everyone’s differences and embrace uniqueness. Could we just not have to sing about it too? So it’s diversity fatigue that’s the issue. I was getting nowhere defending this amazing song that is twice as old as my Moose. But diversity fatigue I needed to address.

I look at my Moose. He is lucky. He was born a white male in the United States. There really isn’t a higher class than that. He loves sports. He is great in school. He doesn’t have to worry about being picked on for loving show choir because he also loves playing contact sports. To the best of my knowledge, he isn’t bullied for being different because he ticks off most of the boxes for liking what’s “cool.” He is the size of a small tank, but it works to his advantage. And most importantly, he is good and kind and has a strong sense of right and wrong. I know I’m 1000% biased, but I think he is amazing. For Moose, it is easy to show his True Colors. His True Colors are popular. So how do I explain that his True Colors make it easy to be himself but there are other kids that struggle every single day with who they are. This is a message he is tired of hearing and can’t connect with because it’s easy to be him (relatively speaking.) I’ve got to bring this home.

While it is a poor example of diversity, the only one that I can think will really hit close to his heart and appeal to his Protective Big Brother side. While they fight like cats and dogs, if Moose hears anyone picking on Squirrel, he manages to puff up about three times his size (which is hard to imagine) and listens very closely for details and reminds Squirrel that he would be more than happy to speak to anyone who needs to be reminded that we don’t mess with the Squirrel. So while the Squirrel is also a white male in the United States, he takes a hard turn and marches to his own drummer. And that drummer plays a weird beat that only the Squirrel can hear sometimes. This is what we love about the Squirrel. We never know what to expect from him. The clothes he wears only show the world the outside of his uniqueness; his brain is so quick and sharp that sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with him. Often I just laugh at how quickly he can bend a rule to fit his needs and makes a decent justification for it too. So I start small and begin to explain to Moose what True Colors means for other people.

While Moose’s True Colors are not going to get him shoved into lockers (if you could move him), other people’s True Colors will. He may not see it but kids are picked on for being themselves every day. They are teased for dressing differently, mocked for liking activities that aren’t the norm, bullied for being not white or straight. These kids, who show up and show you who they are, are the brave ones for being themselves even if it isn’t the popular thing to do. Every day they have to wake up and make the decision to show their True Colors even if it means they will be tormented for it. 

Now let’s look at the Squirrel. Remember when he wore his hair down his back? It was so important to him to have long hair. Remember how much he was teased for looking like a girl? Even family members teased him. He put on a strong front because I know we only heard about a fraction of what he put up with. But every day he made a choice to be himself even if it meant his heart would take a beating for it. Moose looked at me. I was starting to get through finally.

Raising strong and sensitive adults when examples of accepted bigotry are on the nightly news is a challenge. I am asking both of my children to be better adults than the roles models we see. I am asking them to be brave enough to be themselves. I am asking them to be brave enough to be compassionate and stand up for others, not because they themselves are being hurt but because it is the right thing to do. And the brave I am asking them to be isn’t half the brave the people who don’t fit the cultural standard have to be every single day. I am asking them to think beyond their own beliefs and to honor and respect others beliefs and truths, even if they don’t fully understand them. 

We don’t always have to understand it to still support it. I can never pretend that I understand what it means to be black in America. I can recognize my ignorance and be sensitive to others’ truths. I cannot experience being discriminated against because of who I love, but I can stand up for the rights of people everywhere in the name of love.

Teaching diversity to children who live in a predominantly white middle class town is a challenge. But it’s our job to remind them that the world does not treat us all the same. And those of us who are privileged need to stand up for others who are not. It’s our duty, no matter what our age is. One phrase that comes up in our house frequently is “with great power comes great responsibility.” I expect the Moose and Squirrel to save the world in some way. And that starts with recognizing that we all have a different True Color and for some of us, it is harder to show. Turns out Cyndi’s song is still relevant today. Who says the 80’s are obsolete?

*If you are looking for some great eye opening resources on race, I highly recommend the books White Fragility and So You Want To Talk About Race.**

Chasing That Elusive Balance or Welcome to Your New Class Schedule of Life

I’ve gotten some great advice as I’ve started my new single mom adventure. Some of the more helpful advice has been how to handle my kid-free time. You see, I never had kid-free time before, which you  probably figured out if you have been reading my blog for a while now. “My time” had to happen between the hours of 4-6 a.m. In that time I had to go to the gym, read, mediate or do anything that resembled self-care. As soon as the clock struck 6 a.m., I was on duty. So now I find myself with more free time in one week than I had in 3 months and lots of my friends have helped me navigate that time (you guys, thank you – I love you!) When the house is quiet, your mind can race and while some deep thinking is healthy, ruminating is not. One of the best and most consistent pieces of advice I’ve received is to do something for me during this quiet time. Another piece of wisdom I got was to do all the work of running a house, like cleaning, running errands, meal prep, groceries, etc. when the kids are gone so you can just have fun time with the kids when they are here.

Because I love challenges, I took this kid-free time by the horns. I wasn’t going to be sad – I would be happy that they have some quality time with their dad without me running the show. It will be good for everyone! I’m over the causes of our divorce – I’ve got a one-way ticket on the train to Happyville! I started tackling all of the household chores and doubling down on self-care whenever the kids were gone. And you know what? I was exhausted when they came back. Sure no one but me had to do any chores in my house but I was so wiped out that I was pretty much sunk the day they got home and it was hard to plan fun carefree things to do. And sadly enough, there is some pressure to be the fun house, a status I will never achieve because I’m Mom and thought we needed to get back into the daily reading habit BEFORE school starts this year. This did not go over well.

Then I realized something. I was setting my boys up to expect their significant others to take care of themselves only when they had “free time.” That chores, groceries, cooking - all the things - magically happen when they are away. And that mothers should only have time for self-care when it is most convenient for the other people of the house. What the heck? Here I was thinking I was nailing this divorce thing, focusing on raising healthy well-adjusted men and I am fucking them up. I am modeling the same behavior that my ex and I modeled for them for years. The woman runs around taking care of everything and everyone but herself – she is allowed to take care of herself when everyone else is asleep or otherwise busy. Because she is ALWAYS ON CALL. Speaking from personal experience, this is not sustainable or healthy for anyone. Stop. Just stop. I cannot believe I have messed this up on this scale. Again.

What am I doing? I am showing my boys that they don’t need to lift a finger. That Mom’s house bears no responsibility – that it is not a team, a family, that lives here. That Mom lives to serve her kids. She will take care of any of her needs only after everyone is fed, clean, happy and asleep. We already did that. It did not work. But here I find us in the same pattern again and it is all my fault. 

Now let me say that my friends’ advice was spot on. This downtime IS time to take care of myself and it’s great to get groceries without a bag of Doritos and a box of oatmeal cream pies stealthily appearing in the cart. But I need to do it in a healthy way where I still require my kids to have some responsibility. As usual, I took the advice a little too far.  

So I started treating my kid-free weekends like little sabbaticals. What did I actually want to do? Did I want to stay in bed until noon reading books and binging on Netflix? Yes! Did I want to go to the gym for two hours? Yes! Cheetos and cereal for dinner? Yes (wait what, I meant salad and mineral water for dinner.) Cleaning all three of the bathrooms? Not so much. What did I want to do right now if I had no responsibilities? I slowed down. Sure, my thoughts caught up to me at first and I had some good soul bearing cry sessions. And then I rested. I didn’t run around the house like I was on fire to make sure everything was perfect for when my little cubs returned. I started saving some chores for them. A family means we all pitch in together. They should expect to have to take care of things in the places that they live. And they should have to help their mother. She works hard at her job, she works hard raising them, and now she will work hard ensuring that they have some skin in the game too.

Then I started thinking about how I saved up all of my self-care for when the kids are gone. Sure, it’s great that I now have some time to take care of myself when they are gone. But when the kids are here, they should respect that I am not a maid or a robot. My self-care should not just take place when they are not here – they need to see me prioritizing myself the same way I prioritize them. That I need fun and rest in my life, even when they are home. No longer will I be the only one standing in the kitchen when everyone else is sitting in the living room chilling out. It is time to model healthy relationships, even if it is one of a single parent. And some of that means that we need to respect that Mom needs downtime too to read a book or go to a fitness class.

So to my mom friends out there. It doesn’t matter if you are married or single. It’s time to start showing our littles that we are people, we are human. It’s time to stop doing all of the everything and make them pitch in a bit. I know they have sports and homework. Guess what. They’ll have those same things in college too and I sure hope you don’t plan to show up to clean their dorm room for them (you guys, I’ve heard of this happening.) We need to teach our kids that as much as we do revolve our worlds around them, the world does not truly revolve around them. Maybe we need to grab a pedicure on the weekend. Or have quiet time to read after a super long day at work. Or go for a quiet walk or listen to a podcast or go to bed early. Or…so many things. And for all of us to be healthy people in our homes it takes a team effort – everyone pitches in and everyone gets to enjoy themselves too.

Let me propose a new class schedule – one that has literal homework:

Laundry 101 – Yes, You Have to Separate
Dishes 102 – Handwashing (pre-req Dishes 101 – Unloading the Dishwasher)
Food 101 – Packing Your Own Lunch and Snack
Lunch – Clear Your Plate
Elective Choice – Dusting or Vacuuming – your pick!
Food 102 – It’s Time to Help with Dinner
Study Hall – Get Your Homework Done Without Being Asked 9 Times
Extracurricular – Let Mom Have Some Quiet Time While You Entertain Yourself Too
Capstone Project - Seeing a task that needs to be done and just doing it without being asked – clearly this is for senior year.

This year the “school year” is starting at home. First up, laundry and dishes. The school supply list? Soap and a lot of patience. Let’s make this school year the best ever! In the effort of full disclosure, I do not have any magical advice to get to this point. It is hard to change the culture of a home. I am going to have to break a lot of bad habits I’ve created and push my boys to move into this more sustainable healthy living style. But I think it’s worth it. I think I’m worth it. I think my boys are worth it. And I think whoever interacts with them in the future is worth it too. Pass the boys the Tide and hand me my book.

The List or Nobody Likes Rotten Zucchini

There is one thing on my phone that I go to more than Facebook, Instagram, or my email. It is The List. That’s right – The List, as in a proper noun. In my house, if someone asks me to fix their train set or remember that the football tshirt order form is due August 9 (fyi), they know it will happen if I add it to The List. Zucchini* doesn’t rot in my fridge, forgotten after I buy it with the best of intentions, because I have added “make zucchini bread” on The List. I don’t know where we’d be without The List.  Probably shirtless eating moldy zucchini watching a broken train set.

The List has been with me for years now. It started out innocently enough, probably a last resort when I couldn’t find a post it. I opened up my Notes on my phone and just started typing a bunch of things I needed at the grocery store. It has since grown to 58 different sublists (no lie – movies I want to see but will forget about, vacations I want to go on someday when I’m rich, my friend Amy’s great corn recipe), but still, there is just one The List – the master of them all. If anything is going to get done, including this blog, it will start off on The List. Even the Squirrel said to me the other day, “Add it to The List!”

Now some people have accused me of being too organized or “controlling.” However, most of those people have benefitted from The List themselves; they are able to randomly throw information in my direction and just count on it getting done. “I need new shoelaces.” Just out there in the universe, expecting new shoelaces to magically appear in the next 24 hours. Waiting for me to grab onto those words and tuck them away for when I go to Target later. Woof. It’s a lot of responsibility to remember everything and since I’m not a robot or a post it note, I carry it around on my phone.

The pressure of maintaining and checking The List periodically throughout the day can be exhausting. I check it first thing in the morning – what needs to be done within the next 24 hours? Then I check it throughout the day – what needs to be done this hour, this minute? I check it at the end of the day – can I cross anything off? What needs to be added? I just realized I don’t own jumper cables – add it to The List! Does The List ever get fully done? Of course not. At the very top of The List is “change address on stock.” I have needed to change my address on this one share of stock I own for the past four years – that’s what happens to the items at the top of The List. On The List, being at the top doesn’t mean you are the most important or urgent item; in fact, if you make the top of The List, it just means that more and more has been added after you and your priority level goes way down. It’s unconventional but The List never promised to be rational. It just promised to be thorough and overwhelming.

The List is becoming a cherished member of the family. We refer to it with reverence. I realize now that what started as a glorified post it has now become my security blanket. Not having to mentally remember everything for everyone is reassuring. I carry The List with me everywhere I go and I look at it when I’m feeling bored or need a pick-me-up, because surely there is something on The List that I could get done quickly to get that little boost you get when you cross something off. The List makes me feel successful and needed. Send email to the teacher. Check! YES!!! Feel those endorphins!

But The List has a dark side too. It teaches the future men in my house that instead of being responsible to remember things themselves, they can toss it to Mom, who will add it to The List so they don’t have to worry about anything. Oh the freedom of never being responsible for your own needs. The List also can be an escape for me, giving me a second to tune out the world but look productive at the same time. Since The List has no end, it can also serve as a stressor by reminding me just how much I have left to do in the day/week/month/year/decade. By Sunday night, I almost always feel like a loser.

So what to do? Well, I’ve been working on lightening my social media and sugar consumption lately. I’m not sure I have the bandwidth to give up my security blanket too. Besides, who will remember that the dog needs medicine or that the kids are low on lunch money or that I need to send birthday cards out this week? And how can I send birthday cards unless I get stamps first – add it to The List! Perhaps I should try to cut down the number of times I reference The List each day, but even that would require a notation in The List – “Review The List only 4 times today.” That sounds as bad as giving up coffee. So for now, I’ll hang on to my security blanket – it makes me feel competent and needed. And to balance the fact that it is a crutch for my Moose and Squirrel to avoid remembering things THEY need to do, I might have them start their own lists (lower case) – I am an expert on creating lists. “Coach the boys to start their own to-do lists.” Check!

*Next time I will use a vegetable that is easier to spell as an example. Zucchini? Is it double “c” or double “n”?