My Deeper Why for KonMari or It's Time to Take the Trash Out

Like everyone else, I have jumped on the Konmari Train. I started watching Tidying Up on Netflix and watched the skies open and heard angels singing. I love decluttering – it is one of my favorite things to do! There is nothing more satisfying than bags full of clothes for Goodwill and garbage for trash day. I will literally walk by a decluttered room and gaze at it like a loved one and just stare at its beauty. I wish I were joking, but I find decluttering so satisfying – maybe too satisfying…now you know my secret shame.

To have a roadmap of how to tidy up my life sounded amazing! Because I don’t have unlimited time, I started small. According to Marie Kondo, there is a specific process. While I know you are supposed to start with clothes, I started with accessories and email (odd as it sounds, my inbox gets super cluttered.) Then this month I tackled clothes. I didn’t throw them all on my bed at once but I did do them in categories. And while I didn’t thank each piece of clothing or really figure out if they “sparked joy” I still got rid of bags and bags of clothes. It felt amazing!

I eagerly started to plan my next decluttering attack. You are supposed to do clothing, books, paper, komono (which means everything) and then sentimental items, in that order. My clothes were done but sorting through my books doesn’t sound like much fun right now. What if I start tackling the stuff in my bathroom? Or all those CDs downstairs? It is a little messed up how exciting the idea of tidying up my life sounds.

Since I was on a roll with the whole decluttering thing, I checked out this book called “Digital Minimalism” by Cal Newport. One aspect I don’t love about myself is how wrapped up in my phone I have gotten. I use it for everything – probably like you do. It is my mini-computer, my to-do list, my Rolodex, my soundtrack, my lifeline. And because I have a teenager and want to connect with him where he is at, I joined Snapchat and Instagram recently too – more social media! And I feel like maybe this idea of digital minimalism is just what I need too.

I’m going to be honest, because what’s the point of blogging if I’m not going to be honest. I might have skipped through large sections of this book. I didn’t really need the research to tell me why reducing my digital usage was a good thing. I know it is. I was more interested in the how – how do I break these bad habits I’ve created? It sounds like you need a 30 day fast from all digital sources. Cue screeching brakes. Um, I’m a mom of two active kids. I need to be online. Thankfully it talks about keeping what’s necessary to keep your life running while cutting out the clutter. Ok, I’m back on board!

Then I get to this section in the book that talks about how we mask our discomfort with our phones. We connect online so we can keep up the façade of a happy amazing life. We have lost knowing who we are. We don’t even know what we like to do anymore because we just go to our phones when we are bored. Gut punch. And I realize why I’ve been gravitating to cutting out all of the clutter in my life – the physical and the digital.

Going through a divorce has sucked. And what really stinks about it is when you take this person away that has been a part of your life for 25 years, you are left feeling less than whole. In moments of quiet, I really wonder who I am now. What are my own thoughts and opinions when I’m not worried about someone’s reaction to my comments? What do I like to do when I get to make my own choices? I have this overwhelming sense to get rid of all the excess around me so I can strip down to just me – who am I underneath all of this baggage I’ve been carrying around. When I look around, what is important to me? What do I like to do? I struggle to identify myself as anything other than a mom – the Moose and Squirrel are my world and I am always looking for ways to make their lives better. But what about for me? I have this sense that once I get rid of all the extra, I’m going to figure it out.

What I have found myself doing instead of being quiet has been to soothe that discomfort of the unknown by numbing out with social media, endless to-do lists, and general running from my thoughts. The idea of konmari and a digital detox were subconsciously intriguing because I am in a place where I am trying to rediscover who I am and maybe if I get quiet and throw away the excess, I might find an answer.

I’ve been asked when will I start dating again. This makes me laugh because I’m not even divorced yet. Turns out that is a lengthy process, as anything important should be. But when the ink is dry, I think I’m going to take a year to detox/minimalize/tidy up. I need to just sit with myself to meet me again. In the meantime, I’m going to go through the books, papers, lotions, CDs and yes, eventually go quiet on social media for a month. Because I think once I’ve stripped away all the extra stuff I’ve been carrying, I’m going to be reintroduced to someone amazing. I want to learn about her thoughts and dreams. I want to know what she likes to do and what she thinks about when it is quiet. And I want her to have a nice, new, decluttered open space to live her life again. She deserves it.

I Love a Good Origin Story or Super Heroes Are All Around Us

As a boy mom, I watch more super hero movies than I would if I were holding the remote. I exasperate the kids by forgetting who is Marvel and who is DC, who are the villains and who are the good guys and forget keeping up with the timelines. But the one thing that I can respect with all of these super heroes is how they got there in the first place. They all have an origin story.

Every super hero experienced some major life event that made them super. They lost their parents, they were modified with claws by evil scientists, they had to put a battery in their chest to live, their father was an evil super villain and they escaped, they were bit by a spider. You know, run-of-the-mill, everyday adversity. But what made them super is that they overcame life’s challenges and it strengthened them physically and mentally. It changed who they are.

There is a lot of talk now about growth mindset and grit. How we handle adversity plays a major role in the people that we become. If we are lucky we do not stop evolving when we become 18. That’s just the beginning. That’s the dough before it’s baked. Life adds the spice. Some of those spices are sweet and some of them are spicy. But the recipe isn’t done. If you are fortunate, you have a growth mindset and take those crappy life moments and become stronger and more resilient. You build compassion, empathy and perseverance. You build grit, which has been shown to correlate with success. You become one of those cliché memes that I love about falling down but getting back up.  You become you. You become a super hero.

When I look around at my tribe, I see super heroes everywhere. The people in my tribe have origin stories and that’s what has made them into the supers that they are today. We are walking around with super heroes and don’t even know it. I can look at everyone in my tribe and see strength and grit and know that they have evolved because they have an origin story. They have experienced things in their lives that were turning points. They could have used those experiences to shape them into victims of their circumstances. But they didn’t. They emerged and became stronger. They became amazing people. People that I can turn to when I have issues and know that their advice and compassion comes from a place of knowledge and experience. They chose to move forward when life pulled them down. They grew into the beautiful people that they are today, scars and all. They inspire me.

Now do I want people to experience horrible things? No, of course not. But it is when we are down that we have the opportunity to grow and become better people. When we are cut, we develop scars. I used to think my scars were ugly. When I woke up with 33 staples in my stomach after the Squirrel was born, I couldn’t look at myself. I was Frankenstein. It was disgusting. I was ruined. But as time passed, I grew to love that scar. That scar was a battle wound. That scar made the Squirrel possible. That scar is life. And that’s what I realized. You don’t create scars if you stop living and breathing. Scars only form when you keep moving on. Scars are grit. Scars are witness that we lived. We bear scars that we can see and we bear scars that are in our hearts and souls. You need to heal that wound, you need to let the scar form so you can move forward with more strength than you had before. Scars are beauty. Scars say “I have done hard things and I am a survivor.”

As for my Moose and Squirrel, it is impossible to not want to protect them from the difficulties of the world. I’m their mom, the Mama Bear in our forest tribe. But I know that the people they will become will be because of their experiences more than the protection I can provide. What I can do is help them reframe and find the moments of growth when life is hard. I can teach them that sometimes you have to work harder to keep up with everyone else to get what you want. I can teach them about trust and love and forgiveness when they learn that people are fallible. I can teach them to get up the next morning and look at what they can do rather than look at what has happened to them. I can give grace for the pity party when life sucks but also remind them that no one wants someone to overstay their welcome – we are not people who shut down the pity party – we leave before the night is over to go on to the next adventure. We learn something when life knocks us down instead of dwelling on what’s happened. We form scars. We use the word “yet” when we are challenged – it’s not “we can’t do it,” it’s “we can’t do it YET.” I am teaching them that they can’t become super heroes without origin stories. And that’s what I’m doing – building super heroes. I’ll leave it to them to figure out who is DC and who is Marvel. That stuff still confuses me. 

Life Hacks or What Donuts and Swears Have in Common

If you are lucky, you are going to have some times in life that just really suck. Times where you wake up and realize that your actual life is what your worst dreams are made of and you just want to go back to sleep to escape. Moments where you think, I don’t really know how I’m going to live through this.  Experiences where you can’t stand being in your own skin because it is so miserable. And at the time, it can be really hard to see the beauty in those moments. But this is where the change happens – you are going to come out of this stronger, more thoughtful, more empathetic, more gracious – you can’t become a better You without a fight. All change comes with a battle. But this blog isn’t about overcoming adversity and becoming a different person. Not today. This blog is about the life hacks to get you through those shitty moments. I’m going to share some of my favorites – things that put a smile on my face when I needed one. And no, I’m not going to tell you to mediate or pray. Everyone tells you that. There’s nothing wrong with mediating and praying. But I’m going to tell you about laughing, swearing and unhealthy food.

1. Friends – Okay, this one is a bit of a cliché but that’s because it’s true. When you are bogged down by what life has thrown at you, reach out. If it’s really bad and shameful, I know you don’t want to tell anyone. I get it. And I’m still telling you to reach out to your friends. It doesn’t have to be all of them – make an inner circle that you know you can turn to. But my heavens, your friends are going to be the ones that get indignant with you, that put up with your constant whining, that set you back in your place, that send you funny memes that make you snort. Gather your tribe and let them take a few turns in the battle for you when you need a rest.

2. Podcasts – I love podcasts. But there are a few that I love when I need a pick me up. And these aren’t things that are inspirational or sentimental. Friends, you need a laugh. My two favorites are One Bad Mother (down to earth real moms that end each episode with “You are doing a great job” – seriously there are days I pretend they are talking to just me) and My Brother My Brother And Me (three brothers offering advice from yahoo questions.) Neither of these are appropriate for kids unless you are trying to connect with your teenage son and maybe let him listen to MBMBAM so he can think you are cool. These are hilarious. Subscribe today.

3. The Shine app – This is the coolest app I’ve found lately. First it’s free, which is awesome. Second, every day you check in and say one thing you are grateful for and one thing you are doing for yourself. And if you are going through some really heavy shit, it forces you to think of one thing you can do for yourself when it’s the last thing you want to do. I’m not going to lie, one day the thing that I was grateful for was the fact that there was the correct percentage of oxygen in the air so I could breathe. Which IS something to be grateful for and even though I had to stretch to see the good in that day, I still did. They also have great self-care articles. Way to go Shine!

4. The Skimm – Friends, if you haven’t subscribed to the Skimm yet, you are missing out. The news sucks. But the Skimm delivers it in a sarcastic, cynical and skimmed down way that I appreciate. You get an email every day with a snarky summary of the news. It’s my favorite thing to read each day. And it makes me feel smart and makes me smile. Win win.

5. Take Care of Yourself – Blah blah blah. You know this one. Eat right, sleep and move. Sigh. I’m sorry to say, but this stuff is true. Go to bed at night. Try to move. Eat right. But here’s my twist. I tend to over-exercise, under eat and not sleep when I’m stressed. So for me this meant accepting a walk for exercise. In fact, I reframed exercise to movement. Diet has always been hard for me because it’s my favorite way to beat myself up. And when I’m stressed, I am full regardless if I’ve eaten anything that day. So I started to feed myself. And sometimes I want donuts. And that’s okay because I also know that I feel better when I eat healthy so it’s not an everyday thing – and I’m not going to get upset with myself for indulging in my favorite food. To improve my sleep, I started reading to the kids and doing the daily debriefing of the days (because they really like to share the truth about their days at bedtime) in MY bed, not theirs. Then when we are done, they shoot off to their rooms and guess what, I’m already in bed. Good night!

6. Manage Those Emails and Texts – If you are like me, you are quick to respond – good or bad. Here’s what I’ve learned. Everything can wait. Take 20 minutes before you reply to the text. Wait to read the email that you know contains a trigger until you feel mentally ready. Almost everything can marinate a little bit. Get to it when you feel ready but not before.

7. Goals – When things are hard it seems crazy to add to your to-do list. But goals you set are things you can control. And that’s important when you feel like nothing is in your control. Set a goal you know you can accomplish so you can feel successful and in charge of your life, especially if work or home life has gotten away from you.

8. Finding the Humor – I learned to find the humor in every situation years ago. It was one of those growth moments I talked about earlier that changes who you are. Now whenever things are rotten, I look around for what’s funny in that situation – it makes me reframe my life and gives me a smile. For example, did you know that doctors call STDs STIs now? Why? Because we would feel better knowing that our weird rash is an infection rather than a disease? If I had herpes, I’m not sure I’d care whether it was an STD or an STI. Maybe just call me in the prescription and we’ll leave semantics for another time? But this little thought had me grinning through my tears at the OBGYNs. I know that not every situation will have something to smile about, which is why it’s important to squint and find it when you can.

9. Swears – Seriously, research has shown that people who swear are telling the truth more.  And swearing is a form of stress reduction. So let it fly friends. Trust me, it feels good to yell an F-bomb in your kitchen every once in a while.

10. Donuts – Um, so maybe I’m mentioning donuts twice. All I’m saying is it’s okay to enjoy a really good donut (if you like that kind of thing). Just don’t eat the crappy ones. You know, the day-old stale ones at your work. Wait for the fresh batch to show up. And don’t get hung up on how you didn’t choose carrots sticks instead. You will next time.

11. Music – Music has long been known for changing our emotions. So I made a Soundtrack playlist of songs that really spoke to me. Stuff like “Titanium,” “Fix You,” “Dig In,” “Run the World (Girls),” “Beautiful” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” When I need to remember who I am, I put it on shuffle. It’s my pick-me-up and my reminder of who I am all in one.

12. Reminder Tool on my Phone – If you are like me, you have those moments where you think, “I could have handled that better.” I always feel better about my actions and my words when I am true to who I am. So I have set reminders in my phone that do just that. Then throughout the day I see them for a quick reminder to be true to myself. For example, at 7 a.m. every day I have a reminder that says “Be kind.” That’s because I always feel better when I take the high road. And I need reminders to be kind to myself too. What did Michelle Obama say? “When they go low, we go high?” Yes! That might actually get added to my reminder list. I also have a reminder to feed the Squirrel’s frogs every Monday and Thursday. Reminders save my emotional life and the lives of those dang frogs.

Life can be hard sometimes. And while we know it’s worth it in the long run, sometimes we need things that get us through the short game – the every day. I know that each of us is going through something. Hopefully one of these hacks helps you get through your day like it did mine. If you see me grabbing a donut at Kwik Star, you know that I’m just eating a little piece of sunshine because there is nothing better than a good fresh blueberry donut. And if you see me laughing like an idiot by myself on a walk, you can be sure I’m hearing something wildly inappropriate on the MBMBAM podcast. Grab your piece of sunshine where you can Friends. Good luck!

All You Need Is Love or Why Valentine's Day Is NOT May Day

Confession: This is my first year single for Valentine’s Day in 25 years and I still love this holiday.

So many of my friends have commented over the years how much they hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a manufactured holiday sponsored by Hallmark meant for couples, etc etc etc. I always thought that maybe I didn’t feel that way because 1) I was married and 2) I love Hallmark. So here I sit, approaching my first singles Valentine’s Day since I was 16 years old and you know what, I don’t hate it. As usual, I’m looking forward to it. And let me tell you why.

Look, you know I’m not someone who buys into arbitrary holidays. If you have followed me at all, you know how I feel about May Day. But that’s nothing like Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day has chocolate and heart shaped candy, not stale popcorn and leftover Halloween candy in a dixie cup! Valentine’s Day is full of flowers. May Day, well, kids pull up some sad rogue sidewalk violets that droop as soon as they are plucked. I mean the sentiment is sweet but I’ll take a nice bouquet from 1-800 FLOWERS thanks.

This year though no one will be sending me flowers and that’s okay. For me Valentine’s Day has always been a celebration of love. And what this world needs is more love. Love doesn’t have to be romantic love. I love the Moose and Squirrel beyond words. I love my family. I love my wonderful friends. I love my pets, even Syd Vicious. I love my job and I love my church. If I look beyond how I’m “supposed” to feel as a newly single parent (am I supposed to feel jaded about the concept of love?), I can’t turn around without bumping into love. So how do I celebrate it this year?

Well, let’s start with my nearest and dearest. Every year I have given my kids small gifts four days leading up to Valentine’s Day because well, I just like to find excuses to surprise them and this seemed like a good outlet. And I like to make this celebration of love last as long as I can. So in that spirit, I’m leaving them little love notes every day in February on their bedroom doors.  February is a short month – I can easily think of 28 things I love about my kids. 

Let’s widen that circle. I’ve decided that this year, once a month I’m going to write a friend or family member and tell them how much they mean to me. This has been a year where I could not have gotten through it without my friends and family. They have held me up when I couldn’t stand. They have sent texts, emails, old fashioned letters, and called. They did not look away when I sobbed in the middle of Subway – that’s saying something. They have loved me when life wasn’t easy. It’s always easy to love the cute adorable puppy but when it is an old arthritic dog, not so much. This was an old dog year and yet I was surrounded by love.

But what about beyond that? In a year that I know will be challenging emotionally and mentally, I decided to compound that by coming up with 19 things to do in 2019 (all from the Happier podcast with Gretchen Rubin.) At first it seemed pretty stupid to add things to my to-do list that already seemed overwhelming. But so much of my every day to-do list is stuff I don’t actually want to do. By making a 19 in 2019 list, these were things I actually wanted to do. One thing that made this list was showing love beyond my circle and to involve the boys. We are doing monthly RAK Attacks this year, which sounds kind of awful but actually is wonderful. Once a month we will go out of our way to do random acts of kindness. We’ve left popcorn at the Redbox and left change in the vending machines. I decided that we can each take turns coming up with ideas each month so I took January, Squirrel has February and Moose has March. I can’t wait to see what they think of.

So much love to spread out. But I’m missing someone. Myself. Through the years I’ve struggled to love myself, instead expecting too much and never achieving it and berating myself for not being perfect. That’s a work in progress. Now when I have a bad moment and get upset with how I handled it, I take a breath and realize I’m not perfect and won’t always act the way I want to. Evidently, that’s called being human. So what can I do to show myself some love for Valentine’s Day? Well, first I’m going to be around people who bring me joy. I’m going to be gentle with myself and realize that this might be more difficult than I’m letting on. I’m finding a good book to read and funny cat videos to watch to make me smile. I’m going to use an expensive shower burst to start my day out right. I’m going to move – either by going to the gym or staying at home on my yoga mat. I might pick myself up a few flowers to cheer up my desk at work and maybe a heart shaped donut because I love donuts. I’m going to love someone I’ve ignored for a long time. Me. I am going to be my biggest fan this year. Heck, I might even write myself a love note.

See, if we reframe Valentine’s Day from something commercial to a celebration of love, we realize that Valentine’s Day is just a reminder to celebrate something that surrounds us every day. It is easy to only see the hate in this world – it’s almost all we see in the news and papers. It’s easy to get wrapped up in all that is going wrong in our lives. But if you squint just a little, you see the love shining through too. In this year of healing, I’m working on building more love into my life, for my sons, for my friends and family, for complete strangers and most importantly, for myself. Because if I don’t treat myself with the love that I deserve, no one else will either. And love is something to celebrate.

Sydney AKA Syd Vicious
possibly one of the more evil cats I know

but I love her :)

My Own Personal Speed Trap or Slowing Down for My Year of Healing

Speed. I am speed. Oh Cars, what a great catch phrase. I think this has been my theme for years now, ever since I had kids. I seem to only have sped up my life as the boys have gotten older. I have major FOMO. There are so many books to read, there are so many fun kids’ activities to register for, there are too many things to do. And on. And on. And on. I even listen to my podcasts on 1.5 speed because regular speed is too slow.

Frankly it’s hard to enjoy things when you are trying to cram everything into just 24 hours. The pressure I put on myself to constantly go-go-go is crushing. My head is spinning and my to-do list is growing by the minute. There is always something I could be doing. What’s ironic is that while I am always rushing about, I am almost always late these days. I am always trying to squeeze in that last load of laundry, wash the last dish, read the last chapter, go for 5 more minutes on the elliptical, dash to the one last errand. My attempt at being fast only makes me look slow because I try to do one more thing before it’s time to go.

To drive home the point (no pun intended), I got the mail one day this summer and lo and behold there were a couple of envelopes for me - not one but two speeding tickets, both issued in one week, a day apart, by the goddamn traffic cameras. After a long fuck-filled rant about the traffic cameras, the idiocy of having a 25-mph section in the middle of town where it should be 35 mph, and a strong case for “if an actual cop had pulled me over the first time, I wouldn’t have been speeding for the second ticket,” I had to face the facts. I had to slow down.

Oh my gosh, I really hate slowing down. Slowing down means I won’t get everything done. It means that people will be doing things I could be doing but I’m not. It means other people who are better people than I am can keep up the pace while I cannot. And most importantly it means I may have to listen to the garbage that is inside my head instead of trying to out run it.

After 41 years, you would think I would know my tells. You would think I would know that if I keep adding things to my to-do list and making each weekend bigger and better, and baking from scratch at 5 a.m. and not sleeping and over committing, and hating myself for not keeping up, that it is a sign that I’m trying to dodge something real that is happening inside my heart.

Oh that heart. I don’t ever talk about it because to talk about my heart means that my head has lost the battle. I am so good at putting on that stone-cold warrior face, icing over my heart and preparing for the war that life can be, smiling when I feel like sighing. And I’m going to be honest with you. My heart broke this year. Broke. My head couldn’t save it. It tried and denied for so long, but in the end, the heart won. Which means my head lost. And I am admitting to you that I am hurt. I am injured. I am down.

I have always struggled to give emotion space in my life. I don’t like to feel. But this time? There wasn’t a choice. Talk about humbling. My heart said, nope, you can’t escape this time. This time none of my old ways of avoiding emotion worked. This time I had to go through the fire instead of above, around and under. There was just no other way except to experience it. And that hurts. And hurting sucks.

If I slow down, what is going to happen? I am going to experience the pain of heartbreak. The fear of the unknown. The anger of the unjust. It is downright scary my friends. And yet, if I slow down and stop and look around, all of these feelings are a sign that I am alive. I have survived another day. I may not have always felt like a warrior, but I am still breathing and my heart is somehow still beating. And some days, that is an accomplishment to be proud of.  

I’m trying really hard to stop adding things to my to-do list because I know that I am simply trying to sprint from something that can’t be outrun. All during winter break, I did not cut up the weekly fruit tray (sounds crazy but I feel the need to always have fresh cut fruit at the ready because that’s what “good moms do.”) I read books – predictable ones that didn’t require a lot of mental work. I just sat around and talked to my kids. And when my brain was tired and my heart needed a break, we watched Netflix and you know what? It was fine. The walls did not come crashing down. We ate apples (what no strawberries and kiwi?) and I got through the second season of the Ozarks.

This year my theme is Healing. I’ve got a lot of healing to do and part of that healing means I have to stop trying to outrun the tough stuff with an endless to-do list and instead just experience it. Healing for me means resting and honoring what a battle I’ve been through. Healing means sleeping when I am tired and moving my body simply to feel good, not because I ate three cookies that might have been still frozen because I couldn’t wait. Healing is rediscovering who I am when others aren’t imposing their opinions on me. Healing means dreaming again and smiling again and enjoying those small moments with my kids when we are all laughing so hard we can’t breath and someone has to get the Squirrel’s inhaler because he’s laughed himself into an asthma attack. And those moments can’t come when I am working through a to-do list or volunteering to chair some event because “we need everyone to overcommit.” (Ok, so that's not what the say in the email but you know it's implied.)

So the homemade baked goods will be baked when I feel like it. And I’ll sit down and read too during the Squirrel’s daily 20 minutes of reading. Dinner and laundry can wait 20 minutes. And the Moose and I will just hang out doing nothing in particular long enough that he will actually share something about his teenaged day. And slowly slowly I’ll find myself again. Because good things come slowly. And my future is going to be full of good things.

“Listen – are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?” – Mary Oliver

Finding My Truth or Dammit Vicki

About 18 years ago I attended a two-day yoga teaching workshop. During one of the breaks on the second day, there was a time to ask questions and I asked about Fish pose. Fish pose requires you to put the back of your head on the ground, opening your throat to the sky. Whenever I come out of a pose that puts my head back, I get incredibly dizzy for several minutes afterward. I asked what would cause this and what recommendations there were for the pose. A woman piped up, “You see, Fish pose opens the Throat Chakra. The Throat Chakra is where our truth comes from so maybe that’s the problem.”

I gave her my best “Wow, no thank you for your help” face and inside thought, “What the fuck Vicki? Did you just call me out as a dishonest person in front of this room of yogis? You don’t even fucking know me.” I was looking for a scientific reason because I lived in the world of black and white and science and physiology were my friends, not some woo-woo garbage about chakras. I always told the truth – sometimes to a fault. But deep down, over the years this comment has lived with me. Am I an honest person? Is this why throat opening poses make me sick? It doesn’t make any sense. I am totally an honest person. So instead of tipping my head back, I would flex my neck to keep my head neutral which was a better alternative to losing my balance and wanting to puke while I was teaching. Clearly the issue had something to do with blood pressure or equilibrium. The mind-body connection theory is a great idea, but it certainly wasn’t this connected.

Flash forward 16 years and I had this life changing moment. This moment rocked my world and made me question everything I knew. I lost my smile. I lost my reality. Vicki’s comment kept coming up in my mind. What was the truth anyway? What did I know to be real? I realized I didn’t know the answer anymore. I started to really think about my life and consider what I knew to be true about myself. That much I could answer, or so I thought. I was an honest person who tried her best to be good to others. I had integrity and a deep sense of fairness. 

When your world changes, you start to notice everything around you through a different lens. And I started to notice when I felt a deep true emotion, I could feel it in my throat. Noticing my body’s reactions to my emotions started showing me the difference between a real true emotion and indignation. I feel indignation and pettiness in my mind. If it was real fear or sadness, my heart would clench up all the way through my throat.  Usually I would swallow it down because I didn’t have time for a big real feel. I had a job. I had kids to raise. I was swallowing my truth. Turns out Vicki might have been on to something. There is a mind-body connection after all. I started listening to my body more to help me steer through the chaos in my mind. I didn’t have a lot of time to spend on emotions so if I was going to deal with something, it had better be real.

It’s been a year since this catalyst moment and I’m still processing. Like most pivotal moments, it ended up having multiple layers, and like an onion, they all made you cry. This year has been exhausting. I met with my therapist and told her that I was tired of not feeling like myself. “Jen doesn’t feel sad or mad. Jen is a happy person. I’m really ready for this “season” to be finished. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Something must be wrong with me.” And she looked at me and said, “I’d like to talk about that. Jen isn’t just a happy person or a sad person or a mad person. She should feel all of those things. That makes her a human. Being Happy Jen has not served you well in the past. You were never Happy Jen – Real Jen feels all kinds of feelings. I would say that you need to feel sad and mad at times. And that’s exactly where you should be right now. You have just started to give voice to your feelings.”

I thought about that. In an effort to make those around me happy and to earn love and acceptance, I practiced a lot of self-destructive behavior. It is my 25-year anniversary with my eating disorder. I learned it was easier to feel physical pain than emotional pain and what better way to find quick pain than being hungry. I only felt lovable if I was perfect and thin is perfect. As I got older I learned that when life was hard and stressful and sad I could swallow those feelings by over-doing. I would clean everything, bake everything, take care of everything because if I was accomplishing something, I could feel good about that, even if nothing else felt good. If I could just be perfect, then everything would be fine. I would be worthy of love. And if I could keep constantly busy, I could outrun those emotions instead of giving a voice to my feelings. All these behaviors did was make me exhausted and a wisp of myself. I was so good at swallowing my true emotions so that I could seem happy and perfect to everyone. I wasn’t really as honest as I thought I was. Truthfully, I hadn’t been honest with myself in years, instead hiding any signs of trouble with these unhealthy behaviors. 

This past year I’ve been finding my voice. I’ve been speaking up for myself because I have nothing to lose but my integrity by staying silent. I can be sad and I can be mad. And if people don’t like it, then they don’t like the Real Jen – and I’d rather surround myself with people who like the Real Me than the one I’ve been projecting for acceptance. I’ve been in the arena this year and I’ve been knocked down, bruised and blooded. I’m proud of these new scars. I found that I would rather speak truth than put up a façade. Authentic feels real and that’s all I want now. And according to my therapist, maybe I’ve never been Happy Jen. I haven’t been honest with myself or others and instead ran from my real feelings. I deserve better than that. And it’s only fair to let others know the Real Me and make decisions based on who she is versus who I think you want her to be. Needless to say it has been a Rebuilding Year.

Recently I went to a Sleepy Yoga class (aka Restore Yoga but I always drift off.) We were going into a deep quad stretch pose and were instructed to drop our heads back, just like in Fish pose. I flexed my muscles to keep my head in neutral like usual. It felt cramped and uncomfortable so I took a chance and dropped my head. I held it for a few breaths and then braced myself for the ensuing dizziness I’d have when I came out of the pose. I rose up and…nothing. It must have been a fluke. I dropped my head back again and soon rose up. Nothing. I finished the pose with my head back, throat open to the sky. It felt great – I’ve never been able to do that in the 20 years I’ve done yoga. It looks like my Throat Chakra has opened. I have finally found my truth. Dammit. Looks like Vicki was right after all.  

I Have a Freshman and Need Maternity Leave Now or Sure You Can Bring Over a Casserole

Have you noticed that when we first start out as moms we get a ton of help? There are support groups at the hospital and local church for new moms. You go to the doctor every 2-4 weeks to make sure your bundle of joy is thriving. Problems breastfeeding? There is a sweet nurse there to help you 24-7, just a short phone call away. People make you casseroles. You (hopefully – US, you are the worst at maternity leave) get time off of work to adjust. But where is that support now when our kids become older? Sure, I have a tribe of amazing people I can call and they will all be there when I need them most. But we all know that our tribe is crazy busy too so we only send out the bat signal in a dire emergency. I’m talking about the help for the mundane every day survival we are all going through. Casseroles were nice when I was a new mom, but looking back on things, I was home more and probably (had I known what I know now) could have rallied and fed myself. I need you to send me a casserole NOW when three of us in this house of four are in completely different directions at the same time. Can I get a laundry nurse instead of a lactation nurse now? I really can’t understand why football pants would be made white? Why? And maternity leave? Hey, I’m still a mom and I’ve got kids with ever shifting schedules. If I ever needed 6-12 weeks off of work, I could use it now.  And I’m fortunate to work with a flexible boss.  I can’t imagine life if I didn’t.

Every stage of parenthood is different. I couldn’t believe the overwhelming responsibility of becoming a mom. Here is someone I love more than life itself and I am completely responsible for not breaking him? And that was just the physical stuff! As they get older you realize you can also accidentally crush their souls too. Just this past weekend I was accused of doing the “cruelest, meanest, most monstrous thing anyone could do,” which at this point just made me proud of the Squirrel’s vocabulary. I don’t think the Moose broke out the word “monstrous” in third grade. Maybe I’m just developing parenting callouses. But now I find myself with a freshman and a third grader and life feels crazier than it did when they were little. Sure, diapers were awful, but so is finding out your third grader DOES have homework and it’s 8:30 p.m. Changing a diaper is a lot quicker than learning “new math.”  

This really started back in the summer with the Moose and his every changing schedule. The amount of organizing that has to happen to get someone to a 9 a.m. weight lifting session when all of the adults at the house start working by 8 a.m. is really a feat. Thankfully I have parents that are relatively close by and can help with schedules like this. I thought things would get better once school started because then my children would all be locked into one place between 7:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. Nope. We are on-call every night for that text for a ride home, not knowing exactly how long coach is going to run practice. Just last night we received the swimming schedule and it is completely the opposite of what it was before. While I get my Saturday mornings back, I lose my Friday nights. Practice EVERY Friday night? I can’t even. I am going to lose my mind. They said pregnancy brain was bad? That was just a teaser for life to come.

Despite keeping both online and paper calendars and organizers, I still seem to be dropping the ball. Every day there is a new note or a change in the game. Perhaps I am just too rigid in my ways to think that if someone says practice ends at 5:45, then it ends at 5:45. Maybe I’m the problem and just need to go with the flow more. Maybe you are thinking that my kids are over-scheduled. But I don’t think one sport a season is over scheduled. And they love it (well, the Squirrel would ALWAYS prefer Minecraft to swim practice but that’s exactly why we have swim practice.) Am I setting too high expectations for myself? Honestly my bar for success is so low now that if I have fed the kids and they are showered by 9 p.m., I consider it a decent day. I may just be in a new phase of adjustment again, just like when the kids were first born, first learning to walk, first going to school. 

I’m not sure what I think of this phase yet. It definitely is fast paced and I feel like I need my A game every single moment. And I also know that I rarely have the energy for my A game.

I don’t have the answers for what would make this stage in life easier. All I know is that I could go back to the time when people volunteered to come over to my house to throw in a load of laundry so I could nap when the baby is sleeping. And then they could slip out of the house as they leave a nice meal in the oven. Maybe instead of offering to change a diaper, now they could help with the math homework that I don’t have the patience to figure out. In fact, I’m guessing my whole tribe could use that. Maybe every time you get a freshman in your house, you get 6 weeks of paid maternity leave, all over again, that you can use as you see fit. Honestly, I have the feeling I’m going to need a whole lot more than 6 weeks over the next four years to feel like I have my life in order. But I’m going for the small ask to start with. Maybe when my kids grow up and have children, I’ll remember this time. And when their kids get older, I’ll remember that they still need help throwing in a load of laundry and doing up the dishes, they still need to sleep when they can steal a chance, and a homemade casserole in the freezer never hurt anyone.