The 2020 Top 10 List or Counting the Blessings

 Well I think we can all agree that 2020 was a shit show. But it wasn’t all bad. I found a few glimmers of clean counter space in this non-stop glitter bomb of a year. Here we go!

1.       This year my neighbor and I finally found time to go for that walk that we never had time for before. And since May, we have found time to walk together at least once a week. Beside the fresh air and Vitamin D, I developed an awesome new friendship that has added sparkle to this year.

2.       I read more than 50 books! My goal was to read 50 books this year and because things like that trip to Orlando and visiting my family in Ohio were canceled, I had plenty of time to read. Were they all intellectual? Oh no, not at all. But I still read over 50 books so…

3.       I started running consistently again! But this time because I want to. There was that period when gyms closed and I was driven outside to do something that I hate. But this time I liked it. And now my gym is open but I don’t go as much because I take my workout outside 2-3 times a week. I ran this morning and it was 18 degrees and I described the weather as “beautiful.” Maybe I’m losing my mind a bit…

4.       Moose is in culinary class this fall and it is fantastic. Every Friday he comes home with something new he made or makes the recipe for us later. He gets to make us chicken fried rice and pumpkin pancakes next week.

    5.       I made Thanksgiving dinner! It was a boneless turkey breast (because I need foods to not resemble animals as much as possible), mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and real gravy from scratch! Me! I did it! And it tasted good! We were all prepared to order a Casey’s pizza or puke our guts out due to food poisoning. But my meal was so good that the Squirrel said he hopes we have a pandemic next Thanksgiving so I make the meal again. Let’s not go crazy kid…

6.       I found courage I didn’t know I had. On top of a pandemic and a hurricane in Iowa, we started our year off with Moose’s broken leg and subsequent surgery and I had to put my dear sweet Dixie down in the fall. So. Hard. Those two moments about broke me, but you know what? They didn’t. I helped my 275-pound baby up and down the stairs on my own and I made the decision to put Dixie out of her misery. I still can’t believe I did either of those things, but I did. They were both good reminders that I can do hard things.

7.       I signed up for RYT 200 next year! I’ve been wanting to do this yoga training for a decade and I’m finally doing it. Granted, this training starts in 2021 but I started the process of looking at different programs, registering and paying for it in 2020 so it counts. Now to just read all those books…

8.       I started to volunteer for the local food pantry. I have more flexibility with my schedule since I’ve been working from home so I took a few volunteer hours at work and helped at the pantry. I loved it. Now I sign up for the Tuesday nights it’s open when the babies are at their dad’s – it is such a great way to spend my evening. I even signed up the boys to help during break so they can experience it too.

9.       And the dark horse of 2020? Discovering the Little Debbie Cherry Cordials. I bought them as a joke, planning on being completely disgusted because I hate cherry flavoring. But by golly I love these little treats. Now I fight off the boys for the 10^th one in the box. I’m going to start hiding them under my bed soon.

Is there a number 10? No but I have hope. If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t rule anything out. If we can have a worldwide pandemic, murder hornets and a hurricane in Iowa all within 9 months, then anything is possible.

Anti-Inflammation Diet for the Heart and Soul or If Your Spirit Wants a Cookie, Eat a Cookie

There are days where I can’t walk. I don’t know why but sometimes I will simply stand up and my knees will start screaming and I can barely move. Is it the weather? I hope not because Iowa weather flips on a dime so my knees do not have the luxury of being finicky. Is it overuse? I don’t think so because somedays it happens after I’ve had several good cardio days in a row and somedays it happens after I’ve taken a day off – almost like my knees have to move just to be happy. All I know is that there is pain and inflammation. I’m guessing I probably have a lot of inflammation in my body – I rode it hard when I was younger and waking up with muscle aches and soreness was an everyday occurrence. I didn’t think twice about my body asking for a break and instead pushed it to do what I told it to, regardless if it was exhausted or injured. This is my delayed gift – crippling pain that requires me to grab my cane to simply make it up the stairs. Paybacks are a bitch.

I try to manage my inflammation with healthy doses of Vitamin I (ibuprofen) and resentful rest days. I wondered if there was more I could do – maybe changing my diet would help reduce the inflammation in my body. I googled an anti-inflammation diet. Here’s what I found:

1.     Eat fruits and vegetables. Piece of cake. I love these.

2.     Avoid process meats. Okay, well I don’t love meat so this one isn’t too bad.

3.     Avoid sugar. Um, huh? I’ll admit, I knew this dumb one would be on the list because it’s on every list. I want to find the diet that says eat more sugar. I’m on board for that one.

4.     Eat oily fish. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Fish is disgusting. End of story. I can’t. I’m gagging thinking about it. Nothing is worth eating fish.

5.     Eat legumes. Okay, I’m down with beans. Much better suggestion than the fish thing.

6.     Drink tea. They mean caffeinated tea right? The beverage I grab after I have had at least 2 large cups of coffee? Sure!

7.     Avoid white flours. Sweet Mother. No sugar and no white bread? Not shocking as these are the anti-nutrition twins but maybe knee pain isn’t so bad. A life without cupcakes is also crippling.

Lately I’ve been thinking of inflammation and realized that it isn’t just physical. The last several months (as in 24) have been challenging between a divorce, the Trump administration (I swing blue) and a pandemic. I’m at the two year anniversary of the morning my husband told me he wanted a divorce and while these past two years have been full of wins and adventure, I can’t say they haven’t been without their challenges either. And in my usual fashion, I pushed through because quitting wasn’t an option, even when my brain begged for a break. But now I find myself fatigued, irritable, uninspired and overwhelmed and I realize that maybe my mind and spirit are inflamed too. They have not had many rest days in the past two years. Now, am I overall much happier? 100%. But has it been easy? No. Broken hearts littered my house – we needed a broom to sweep up the shattered dreams and hearts. And now the constant tension of a pandemic hanging over our heads has gotten old. We are in full pandemic/life fatigue and it is showing. Our hearts and minds are inflamed and there isn’t enough Advil in the world to numb it out.

So what’s an anti-inflammation diet look like for the heart, soul and mind? Here’s my best guess after absolutely no research.

1.     No social media. No, I haven’t watched The Social Dilemma yet – it’s on my list! But you have to be hiding under a rock to not figure out that our social media accounts feed our anxiety and constant comparison to others. And one thing I know for sure is that comparison is the enemy of happiness. Social media is also a great platform for cruelty and hate. Now, I love cat videos and Calvin and Hobbes comics as much as the next person. But maybe it’s time to pass on Facebook for awhile. Instagram….well I really do love those cat videos.

2.     Journaling. Something about putting pen to paper (or keys to a white screen) opens up my heart and mind and I somehow work out all of the problems I have in the world. I don’t know why this works but sometimes I am amazed at how wise I am when I am writing to myself. It’s unfortunate that this wisdom doesn’t often go further than my journal, but hey, that’s why we have Brene Brown and my next item on the list…

3.     Therapy. Friends. Go to therapy. I can’t stress enough how important finding the right therapist is for your mental and emotional health. You take your car to the mechanic for an oil change. It’s the same idea. Take your mind and heart in for a tune up too. You’d be surprised how dirty the oil is that your brain has been sitting in. Flush it out. Or drain it? I don’t know. I’m no mechanic. Or therapist.

4.     Moving my body. My mind is healthier when I move my body. When I’ve had too many rest days, I am not in a good head space. Something about moving my body makes everything right in the world. And 96% of the time, if I’ve gone for a run in the morning, I will have a good day. I like to sweat out the stress. I do know that if I am very angry, I have to run more than 12 miles to get that out of my system (tested this one out once.) But thankfully “furious” doesn’t happen too much anymore. Most of my ugly can be worked out after 2-3 miles these days.

5.     Meditating. My mind is an epic disaster. It’s like a roundabout that only leads to more roundabouts and they are all two-way and the drivers are all blindfolded. But TRYING to calm my brain for 15 minutes a day is better than nothing. And very occasionally I achieve silence…then I get really excited and starting thinking about how great it is…and then my mind is back on the roundabout again. But for those few seconds, it’s worth it.

6.     Sleep. Oh I love sleep and yet hate “wasting time” laying in bed. I hate sleeping in. I wake up and feel so far behind in my day that I am instantly anxious. But I also recognize that sleep is when our minds, guts, and bodies in general heal. And that’s the whole point of this exercise. I have to start practicing sleep more.

So as we approach a new year and start thinking of detoxing and anti-inflammation diets, maybe it’s time we look beyond just the body and dive into the heart and soul too. I know I need it after 2020. And goodness knows, fasting from Facebook is way more fun than fasting from food. In fact, being hungry just fills me with rage and I know that I don’t have the ability to run that kind of anger off anymore. Maybe I won’t have as many cookies with my (ahem) tea but I’m going to be make sure I’m caring for my spirit as much as my body moving forward. And sometimes that spirit wants a cookie. And in that case, she gets a cookie. She's as important as my knees - I can't run without her.

I Am a Runner and Other Things I Forgot or Dreaming Big Again

“The doctor says you’ll never run again.” Those were the first words I remember my (ex)husband telling me when I gained consciousness from surgery four years ago. I woke up disoriented, as one does after being put under, looked down, and saw a monstrosity on my leg, the leg brace I lovingly called The Beast, which I would wear for 10 long weeks. This news took me mostly by disbelief – I had gone into surgery for the purpose of fixing my knee so that I could run again. As I processed this news, which was reiterated by my surgeon later that day, I didn’t realize the impact those words really had made on me. I spent my days rehabbing my leg, spending 2 hours a day in a cooling machine, 2 hours a day on a movement machine and 1 hour a day in PT, trying to just lift my leg an inch off the ground. I spent my nights dreaming about running and waking up in grief. I got a very soft clearance from my PT after months of work that I could try to jog for 5 second intervals. The most I could hope for was one 5k a year, but I was happy with that – it felt like a victory after my surgeon had said my knee was so bad it warranted a full replacement when I was a little older.

And while this should have felt like beating the odds, it had the opposite effect. I felt defeated by the limitation. I hadn’t realized how much I had identified as a runner, probably because I hate running. I hated running for as long as I can remember. I remember feeling like I wasn’t the type of kid who could be athletic. As anorexia took over my late teens, running became a way to punish my body for living. Later I used running as a way to hustle for approval and recognition from others – I beat my body up in the hopes that if I just ran long enough, someone would be proud of me, of who I was. And now all of this had been taken away from me. It was devastating. But what I learned was that while running had started as punishment, it had turned into something I identified with, something that made me feel alive and proud of myself.

Fast forward a few years from that surgery day and so much of my life had changed. I went from a wife to a single mom. I felt like damaged goods in my faith and by society. I attended the mandatory coparenting training where I got to hear about how my failure to keep my husband happy would lead to my children being at risk for drugs and depression. I felt defined by my divorce - my new identity. I felt constantly judged. Walking into my son’s game by myself for the first time took more courage than I knew I had – thank goodness I had friends that asked me to sit with them so I didn’t feel alone. Changing my last name felt like a leap because it would announce to everyone that I was single and my kids would have to acknowledge their parents had separated. The shame was so strong. But slowly, slowly I started to think about what my identity is now. I had lost myself for so many years – I went from a wife to a mom to a divorcee and lost a Jenny in the process. I honestly didn’t even remember what I liked to do.

It’s been hard to reclaim Jenny. I started dating and felt judgment that I would spend any time doing anything that wasn’t related to being a mom. In full disclosure, I sobbed after my first post-divorce kiss because I felt so much guilt that I was cheating on my family – I had taken Catholic vows to be faithful for life. Catholics don’t divorce. I’m burning in hell right now as we speak. (At least it’s warmer than Iowa in November.) But at the same time, I didn’t feel like pining away for my kids when they were at their dad’s was healthy – it only made me sad and reminded me of their absence. I got advice that I should save all of the housework and shopping for when the kids were gone – not only would it fill the time my kids were away but it would also allow me to focus on them when they were home. And I tried that but soon realized that all that did was teach my kids that women will do all the heavy lifting when they aren’t there to spare them the reality of running a house and it also took away from me too – I truly am more than a mom.

It’s funny how we forget who we are. Recently I started a list of 100 dreams. One of the casualties of divorce is it takes away the dreams you had for the future. It was time for me to start a new list of things I wanted to do. And as I brainstormed, I slowly started to remember Jenny. She likes to read, write, teach, move her body, help others, be outside, create and experience life to the fullest with her kids. I wrote down goals I’ve never considered before – visit every National Park, play the drums again, learn how to play the banjo, learn how to knit, write a book, get a PhD, learn how to decorate a cake. There are no dreams too big or too small for this list.

I dusted off one of those old dreams I thought was gone. Running. It was time to shake off those first post-surgery words that haunted me for so long. I forgot that I am a runner. Just simply remembering who I am was so empowering – it completely changed my mindset and I started running consistently again. It isn’t pretty and I have to give myself a lot of grace – and some days ice and Advil. But that’s okay. When I started running 20 years ago, it wasn’t pretty either and I took plenty of “Vitamin I” back then also. Sounds like I am right on track (is that a running pun?)

The days of allowing other people to define me and tell me who I am are over. What else had I forgotten about myself? It was time to stop letting the guilt and shame of divorce hold me back. I forgot that I am lovable and as soon as I remembered that fact, I fell in love again. What could I do if I stopped listening to the static? Who was I before I was a mom? It was time to live for that girl again.  

I am so excited to rediscover all of those other things I forgot about myself. I am an artist, a friend, a passionate person, a writer, a teacher. I am all of those things and more. It’s time my children learn more about Jenny and it’s time I remember her too. I can’t wait to be the person that I forgot I was. Truthfully, she never left. She has been waiting for me this whole time. I think my kids are going to like her. I know I do.

Dream big Friends and don't forget who you are. You are the only one who knows for sure.

Stop Fighting the "New Normal" or Think of the Stories We'll Have

 Aren’t we all tired? Aren’t we all exhausted? The pandemic, politics, murder hornets? It is too much and we are all over this “new normal.” I’m even tired of hearing the phrase “new normal.” No big parties, no homecoming, no graduation, the list could go on and on. You go to a restaurant and forget that there may not be seating. Who hasn’t walked into the grocery store only to promptly turn around because you forgot your mask? “Oh,” you think to yourself, “I forgot about the ‘new normal’.”

But what if it’s not the “new normal?” What if it’s just “normal?” Life is always changing and always shifting. And maybe for you, there haven’t been major earthquakes in your life, disrupting your “normal.” Over the last four years, I’ve dealt with nothing but earthquakes – I think I’ve had a “new normal” every year. Major surgery in 2016 completely changed how I move my body, even through today. In 2017 I received a Facebook message from an angry husband that completely changed everything I thought I knew about my marriage. In 2018, my husband filed for divorce and I had to think about how to be a single mom. In 2019, my divorce was finalized. By the time I hit 2020, I was already used to the rules changing on me so maybe that’s why the pandemic, quarantining and a run on toilet paper is just a continuation of what has already been a crazy couple of years. Heck, our family started 2020 off with a broken leg and subsequent surgery in our house – a pandemic just added sprinkles to our garbage sundae.

What I’m saying is maybe we just need to get over the fact that things didn’t turn out the way we wanted them to. Maybe instead of focusing on how it is so different from before, we just focus on what it is – just a different way of living. What I’ve learned is that dwelling on how things are different is a bit toxic when we could be using that energy to just move forward with the new world we live in. I couldn’t help the fact my husband wanted a divorce but I could focus on how to create a great world in my “new normal.” Can I run long distances anymore? No, but I have been challenged to accept my body the way it is.

After the divorce, the mantra in my house is that different isn’t bad, it’s just different. It’s our attitude about what happens around us that makes the difference. Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I can’t believe this is happening to me!” I know I have and that thought pattern swiftly takes me down a rabbit hole of anxiety, fear and resentment. Now I know for myself, those three horsemen are not healthy emotions in my brain. They waste my energy by being completely unproductive. When I feel any of those emotions, I am too far into them to get myself to do what it takes to change my situation. Instead we are sitting down with coffees at Starbucks, bitching about our lives.

I try to practice meditation every day though. And normally my brain is like a child with ADHD, a box of sugar and 721 things to do, but that’s part of meditation – finding a way to quiet that constant noise. And when I filter through all of that noise and mental distraction and pinpoint that my thought processes are going through the “this is happening to me” film reel, I can take a moment and change it to just “this is happening.” And that makes all of the difference.

What if everything around us isn’t personal? What if our situations are simply just that - situations? Wearing a mask isn’t personal. The pandemic isn’t personal. Getting a divorce isn’t personal (friends that was a hard one to embrace.) But changing my mindset really makes a difference on how I manage change and challenge. Recognizing that things are not happening to me, they are just happening, takes the emotion out of it and allows me to use that energy in a better way – finding a way to live with my “new normal” instead of fighting against it. It allowed me to make a quick shift in thinking from “we are a broken house” to “we get to create a healthier and happier family.” When I couldn’t literally run away from my problems anymore, it forced me to face my disordered eating and negative body image.

I’m not saying I’m good at this. I’m not but that’s okay. I’m working on it every single day. That’s the beauty of being alive – if we were born perfect, we’d be boring. Find me the person who has been through 13 “new normals” and that person will be the most inspirational and interesting person in the room because they are a constant work of art – evolving to become their best self in that moment. As one of my best friends told me when I was going through my divorce, “So this isn’t Plan A anymore. Let’s see what Plan B is. Or Plan C, D or E. We were never always going to have Plan A.” Obviously she is wiser than I am.

So welcome to the land of just “normal.” If we are lucky, we are constantly challenged, forcing us to change into better versions of ourselves. I want to hear about your Plan B or your Plan W. And think of the stories we can tell our grandkids – about how we lived through the Pandemic of 2020, murder hornets and elections where ballots were counted by hand. Wear a mask. Be kind. Love even when it’s scary.

Navigating the River of Life or Rocks, Branches and Killer Fish

I booked a kayaking trip down the river for our family vacation this year. Small issue. I am completely afraid of rivers. Rivers will kill you. Currents will sweep you down to the inevitable dam that is always there and you will drown. You’ll get sucked into a whirlpool and drown. Your kayak will tip over and you will drown. You will be crushed on the rocks in the rapids and drown. Fish will attack you and eat you and you will drown. I know, completely rational reasons to avoid rivers, right? But for real, rivers scare me to death (if you couldn’t tell.) You can’t see what’s under the water (at least not in an Iowa river) – there are tree branches and rocks. There are scary fish – well, all fish are scary – but river ones are ugly and have teeth (they do!) So scheduling a kayaking trip down a river made perfect sense. But I knew my kids would like it and I like the IDEA of kayaking – other than the tipping over, not being able to steer, drowning and dying parts. Super glad I signed us up. Deep breaths…

I informed the main guide that I was deathly afraid of rivers but hey, it will be alright, right? Right?! I’m sure she was very excited to get to work with someone who was barely hanging on to her hysteria. Everyone was excited for this trip! It was the moment and I got into my kayak and pushed off from the edge and immediately started breathing fast – 4.5 miles of this? Can it be over now? And where are my kids? Oh my gosh I am leading them to their doom on our vacation!

I started paddling with a mission. I wanted to keep up with the guide but not go in front of her because I didn’t know where I was going. (Um, it’s a river – there was only one way…) I snapped at Moose when his kayak would accidently bump into me – didn’t he know how hard I was trying to have fun here and he was freaking me out! Thankfully he knows that when I am scared, I get a little irrational. In his helpful way, he pointed out a rock in the river to avoid. Huh? I don’t see a rock at all. It’s just brown water everywhere and the next thing I knew, I was stuck on this rock I never saw coming. Stuck. Everyone else was in front of me, going around a bend, and I knew, this was my time to die, on the Skunk River in Story County, Iowa. Kind of anticlimactic, but we can’t always choose how we go. I hoped my kids would remember me fondly, as I frantically worked my paddle to dislodge me from this damned rock. I almost tipped over and decided, no, I would just sit here in this kayak for the rest of my life and die a slow death of starvation (the water was maybe 2 feet deep here) versus being eaten alive by fish when I fell into the water. And then, I felt it. The water started to shift my kayak and I was glided off the rock naturally. Somehow I had survived this near death experience and despite my initial scream when I lodged onto the rock, I tried to nonchalantly catch up with the rest of the group, cool because, hey everyone knows how to get off rocks when they get stuck, right? No big deal. Where is my paper bag to breathe into?

Then our guide announces that there were “ripples” up ahead. Ripples?! Oh, like tiny mini rapids she says – like its no big deal. WHAT? I barely survived a rock in the water that I couldn’t see and now we were going through class 10-Z rapids? (I have no idea if rapids have ratings but 10-Z seems like it would be pretty serious.) I watch my Squirrel just shoot right through without issue. Great, I’ve got this – if he can do it, so can I. I survived the boulder attack in the water earlier, I can do this. And then the Moose gets stuck. Then my guides get stuck. And I’m in full out panic mode inside and because I can’t help it, I hit both my guides’ canoe and Moose’s kayak. I am helpless. I feel the water rushing around me and know that no, THIS is actually my time to die. I feel my kayak start to move and then it flips me around and I am now going down the ripples backwards. I am going to go to my death peacefully I thought so I just stopped paddling and let the river do its thing. Within a few seconds though, I was able to turn around and face the right way again, grinning. I had let go and just let nature take its course and I came through great. I was beyond proud of myself, ignoring the complete meltdown I had had on the inside seconds before – no one saw it so it doesn’t count.

After that I stopped paddling frantically to finish the river and instead just floated and took it all in. I love nature. I love seeing my kids in nature. We were surrounded by trees. The weather was amazing. I was thankful for this amazing moment. And it was so quiet, it was hard not to relate this experience to life.

Up until my husband filed for divorce, I could not imagine my life without him. Our marriage wasn’t good but I always thought it would get better. If I made more money. If I could afford for him to get a new truck. Once the kids moved out and we had more time together. If I could make him happy, he would be happy to be married to me. I worked so hard because life without him was unfathomable. Was I happy? No, I wasn’t but I clung to the hope that the season we were going through was just that – a season. I didn’t know that my marriage ended long before he filed papers. Immediately I was dropped into a river of sorts – a place I had tried to avoid with all my heart. I couldn’t see the hidden dangers under the surface – many had shown their faces in the past year and were terrible surprises. I couldn’t steer the direction my life was taking – I was going to be a single mom no matter what I wanted. I was scared to death and didn’t want to fall out of my kayak and drown as I navigated this new river of life I found myself in.

I didn’t know what else to do so I paddled. I paddled so hard. I did all of the homework my lawyer gave me. I found therapists for the kids. I shored up my finances as best I could. I continued doing my work in therapy. I cried to my friends. I worked to find my voice – just my voice as I was speaking for just me, not us, now. I had been an “us” for so long that I didn’t know how to even be a “me.” And just like the ripples, life pushed me through and now I was on the other side. Here I was at one year after the divorce, having this amazing vacation with my loves, and now it was time to just relax and float a little bit.

What I learned on the river kayaking and in the past year is that I’m not always going to know what is underneath the surface of the murky water. I’m going to get surprised, scared and stuck sometimes. But I learned that I can get myself off the rocks when I get stuck. I may end up going backwards for a bit and have no idea what I am doing, but I’ll figure it out. I can do scary things. I can navigate this life as a single mom and I can navigate a river that frightens me. And that makes me breathe a little easier, relax a little more and enjoy the ride as I float down this life with my loves.

That's Not the Plan or Stop Shuffling the Damned Playlist

You see, I had a plan. Get married, have a career, have kids, live happily ever after. Fool proof – all I had to do was keep my husband, boss and kids happy and everything would work out. But it didn’t and about 20 months ago my husband of 20 years filed for divorce. So I made a new plan. Make my house into a home, create a new family unit of 3, make the kids okay despite having a “broken home” and try to recover financially. I spent all of last summer making the house mine, establishing a new culture for our family and trying desperately to heal my boys. Next on the list – finances. I’m not sure if you know this but divorce is expensive and so is being a single mom. My brain was constantly moving with ideas of how to save money and make money so my kids would be protected and still get to do everything they had when we were a family of four.

And then, like so many times before, my life took a detour. I met a guy. He knew it was my first date since being divorced – my first “first” date in over 25 years. I informed him I wasn’t looking for anything – I was just fine on my own thank you and that was how I intended to live out the rest of my days (great start, right?) Besides, my focus was on fixing my family and making us financially secure and there could be no deviations from the plan. I had work to do and people to take care of. I had RESPONSIBILITIES. I had no time for play. Yet he kept hanging around. I got used to him being there. He patiently kept waiting for me to give him something I didn’t have available.

I think every season gives us challenges to overcome and opportunities to grow. You would think by now I would have learned that I don’t get to create the playlist for my life. Learning how to walk again and accepting my body’s limitations (*work in progress*) after major surgery – not on the playlist. Trying to save a marriage – not on the playlist. Divorce – definitely not on the playlist. Doing it on my own – not on the playlist. Who picked these shitty songs?

But after about 4 years of surprise twists, I thought I was finally in charge of the direction my life was going to take. I could move things anywhere I wanted in my house. My kids and I could make plans on our own. My house was safe from conflict and anger (sibling rivalry excluded.) When I checked my bank account, I knew where my money was going. I was in control. And then someone hit shuffle on the playlist and a love song came up and I didn’t know what to do with that.

I look at all of these people on Facebook and Instagram and they make falling in love look so easy. It looks like such a happy time for them – bliss, belonging, finding their person. I was so jealous. I, on the other hand, was like a bull in a china shop, bumping into the shelves, breaking expensive dishes, looking frantically for the exit so I could get the hell out. Love equals fear for me. Love means I have to do a bunch of healing work I didn’t know I had to do. It means confronting memories and challenging what I thought to be true. And there is no plan. There is no neat and tidy list of items for me to tackle one by one. These traumas pop up out of nowhere and I usually take one look at them and say, no thank you, I’ve had enough – let’s just tuck that feeling back inside and go for a run. (Please see paragraph 3 about major surgery – clearly I couldn’t outrun my feelings anymore.)

I questioned whether it was too soon. I told my therapist I just wasn’t capable of loving someone – other than my kids, friends and family of course. I was positive that I was broken and really, why inflict that on someone who is a good person. My therapist would counter with words of wisdom like, “how long do you plan to stay in that prison you’ve created,” and “so you’d like to keep getting the same results in life.” (My therapist is amazing and unfortunately she is not taking new clients.) And probably because she knows me so well, she knows I don’t back down from a challenge. Yes, it may take me some time to get there, but telling me that my choice is the easy way of status quo or the hard way that sucks but will give me a different kind of life, I’m going to choose the hard way. I will choose pain and discomfort over fear any day. And I was scared to death of love.

Love meant I’d have to confront the yuck that is stacked in my brain like a bunch of apples – when you take out one memory, the others tumble down too and now you have a bunch of bruised apples and an angry grocery store clerk. But I knew that I’d have to start sometime and whether it was now with a great guy or 10 years later, the hard work had to be done. I don’t step away from a challenge if the prize is worth it. And people seem to think love is worth it. Slowly I started to lean in. I challenged what I knew to be true and it turns out it wasn’t.

My goals this year were supposed to be financially and professionally driven – areas where I felt confident and in control – that was the plan. Instead I started the work of figuring out how to trust and love. So far it has proven to be harder than starting a new business but I’m hoping it will make me richer in the end. It has taken all of my extra mental energy that I have left over at the end of the day. I have put other goals on hold to work on this one that I never had on my radar. I have cried more than I ever expected I would as I rumbled through the mental scar tissue and created new truths. But one of my mantras is nothing worth doing is easy. I ask a lot of questions. I do a lot of thinking. I am rewriting the messaging. It is taking me some time. But people say love is worth it. I am trusting they are right.

Jenny’s Life Soundtrack Playlist
Fix You – Coldplay
Unstoppable – Sia
Titanium -  David Guetta and Sia
Dig In – Lenny Kravitz
Lose Yourself – Eminem
Run the World (Girls) – Beyonce
I Should Have Known It – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
You Can’t Always Get What You Want – The Rolling Stones
Beautiful – Christina Aguilera
Praying – Kesha
Glorious – Macklemore
Today – Smashing Pumpkins
Nobody But You – Blake Shelton featuring Gwen Stefani

Cautiously Grateful or Lessons for Normal

Friends, it’s been a year. A year of adjustments, balancing, finding a new normal and finding a new normal again. It’s been a year of finalizing my divorce and figuring out how to handle the quiet when my loves aren’t in my home. It’s been a year of discovering love and trust. And just when we got that figured out and the Squirrel and I stopped fighting about how terrible divorce is and we celebrated our first holidays as a family of three together, the Moose broke his leg. Oh my heavens that was a challenge. The physical pain, the emotional pain and the mental pain was a journey. My days went from worrying about being a mom and work to worrying about how I was going to get my 250 pound baby up the stairs by myself. I didn’t sleep for weeks. But we learned how to find the good in challenging situations. We did it.

And just when we started physical therapy and life started to get back to normal again, the pandemic hit. Now that we can actually go and do things with Moose, we can’t because of tiny little germs that we can’t see and that I have a difficult time convincing the Squirrel exist. And now we are in a new normal, one I could never have imagined in a million years. For the third time in 11 months our lives came to a screeching halt and took an immediate hard left into unknown territory. Fortunately  (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), I am perpetually lost (please don’t watch me find my car in a parking lot) and I am comfortable with having no idea where I’m at or how I’m going to get home. Thank goodness these past few years have taught me that I have no real control over many of my circumstances and that I can find the lessons and get back on track if I just stop, look around and pause.

These past three weeks have been full of disappointment. Spring break was a drag. I’m not presenting at a conference in Florida anymore. We don’t get to go to soccer games or taekwondo testing or concerts. The family vacation to Florida that I worked so hard to take the kids on (with Grandma in tow!) is postponed indefinitely. Postponed indefinitely – oh my gosh how sick are we of that phrase? Can I just ask what the hell is going on with the toilet paper thing? My birthday and the one year anniversary of our new family won’t be celebrated at restaurants or at amusement parks. Heck, we don’t even know if we can go on our annual family vacation to Ohio. Working from home has been challenging as the boys are stir crazy with no outlets for their energy, social needs or (ahem) “creativity.”

This has been taxing. Just last week after getting tired of being the referee in the “who hit who first” game between two children who KNOW HITTING IS NEVER OKAY, I sent the kids to their rooms and told them to settle the argument themselves and to come downstairs when it was over. It worked in the Parent Trap when the camp director sent the twins to live in a disgusting cabin when they were fighting. Apparently movies aren’t real. You guys. Two hours they yelled at each other. And then they came downstairs and the three of us argued for another hour. A three hour standoff that ended with me threatening to use all of my vacation time to babysit them instead of taking us on an actual vacation…sometime. I don’t even know how it ended. I just know that in the end we finished the last few episodes Schitt’s Creek that night and I crawled into bed exhausted.

I was thinking about how I’m going to make adjustments to week four of quarantine so it is better than week three. Each week I make tweaks – work earlier before the kids get up so I can take more breaks during the day to interact with them, plan more organized activities, maybe start reading the emails from school, stop reading the tweets from school. This week we will have milk and cookie breaks every day and read Harry Potter. We will take one “play” break each day – nerf gun fight, ping pong, dance party, walks, family yoga (okay that one might be a pipe dream of mine.) We will keep working our way through the Marvel movies – we have watched 12 of them so far. How is that even possible? I started wondering when would we get back to Normal? May? June? The Squirrel already had his June camp canceled. Will we have our vacation to Cedar Point? Will things be Normal by July?

And then I remembered Normal. We don’t get daily ping pong or nerf gun fights in Normal. We don’t have milk and cookie breaks in the middle of a work day in Normal. Movies every night in Normal? No way. If we are lucky, we are all home one night a week in Normal. If it isn’t a sport or music activity then the Moose is at a party or the Squirrel is running off with friends. A family dinner during Normal is at 8 p.m. not at 6 p.m.

Maybe this isn’t SO bad. I’m not saying I like this staying in place thing. I don’t. I miss my gym, I miss my friends, I miss teaching yoga and seeing my students face-to-face. I’m mad I don’t get to do my plans because as much as I’ve learned how to adapt these past few years, I’m a planner and a doer. I am so glad I have a job and I’m trying desperately to find a balance between work, my babies and my sanity. I’m not there yet - I’m getting closer each week but it still sucks. My kids are still going to fight and we will all probably have weekly stand offs with each other. I’m tired of trying to be a fun yet productive mom and at the same time be 100% present at my job. But you know what? I’m going to miss this imposed family time too. When we get back to Normal and are running in three different directions each night, we are going to look back and remember when we were forced to slow down, hang out as a family because we weren’t allowed to see anyone else and go for walks because it was the only place for us to go. Maybe when we get back to Normal, we can try to take a few lessons with us from the Quarantine Months - family walks, helping our neighbors and washing our hands. We may just all come through this a little bit closer, more generous and cleaner (and with a full closet of toilet paper.) And that's not a bad thing. 

A Decade Review or Just a Couple of Chapters in the Book of Life

What an amazing decade we just finished up! I mean, what a roller coaster. I was happy, then sad, then depressed, then happy again, then heart broken, then angry, then resolved and now I’m back to happy. I ran, I laid around, I crutched, I learned how to walk again. I loved, I fought for love, I lost love, I gave up on love, I REALLY gave up on love, and then I found love (plot twist!). I went from being a DICK to being SICK but feel richer than ever. I found new friends and lost old friends, I lost family and found family, I had a husband and lost a husband but I gained a dog, several cats, several hermit crabs and even a few frogs (may they rest in peace.) I’ve lived in two houses and worked at two jobs. I sat at soccer fields, basketball courts, track fields, football fields, swimming pools, music concerts, tae kwon do studios, doctors' offices and lawyers' offices. I loved deeply and lost deeply. I felt alone and I felt surrounded by support. I cried hard and laughed hard. I felt proud, humbled, humiliated, joyful, hopeless, blessed, stupid, smart, thankful and loved. If you had told me at the beginning of 2010 what was going to happen over the next 10 years, I never would have believed you. Yet here we are.

At first blush this decade may seem like a shit show. I had major surgery, major depression, a major divorce. But I wouldn’t give any of that up for a second. That is where all of the good stuff came from. No story is interesting without the drama, no growth can come from living the status quo. Without the tragedy, I would have no comedy and where’s the fun in that?

This decade I learned what I was made of. I lost my mojo and found it again. I consciously made boundaries and discovered what my true values are. I found my tribe, I found family, I found God. I found out how to be a better mom and a better friend. There is not one moment I would take back from this decade. Every step made me the person I am today and I really love that person. I don’t apologize for who I am anymore but I also try to step with more kindness, compassion, patience, tolerance and grace than before. While I wouldn’t mind a less action-packed decade, I know every good story needs a plot. These last couple of chapters had twist and turns that even I couldn’t predict. But they were just chapters in my story and my story is long. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Love Epiphany or Ready to Win Again

Today I had an epiphany. A love epiphany. You see, as much as I believe in love, I believe in love for my family and friends. Not romantic love for me. Not ever again. Because that did not work out so well for me before. In fact, when asked if I would ever get married again, my quick response was “Fuck. No.” I have been known to compare marriage to food poisoning. Sure the meal tasted great going down but you are going to be puking your guts out for 7 hours and wish for death. So, no, no marriage, no love for me.

Then I had two conversations with my Squirrel this weekend that all of a sudden completely changed my mind. The first conversation was when the Squirrel (who adamantly does not want me to remarry which I have reassured him wouldn’t be an issue) stated matter of factly, “Well if you get married, you’ll just get divorced.” Huh? That’s actually not how marriage is supposed to work. You are supposed to get married and NOT get divorced. Does he think that marriage equals divorce? That’s not good at all. In fact, it’s kind of disturbing. What have I modeled for him? That love is temporary and marriage is short-term?

Next, the Squirrel was going to test for his yellow belt in taekwondo. He was so nervous. I looked at him and asked, “What’s the worst thing that happens if you don’t pass? Nothing. You just try again next time.” I walked upstairs to finish getting ready and paused. Now I have some beliefs that guide my actions and motivate me. First, nothing worth doing is easy. Second, if you fail, you just get back up and try again the next day. You get 24 hours for a pity party and then you find another way to reach your goal. You don’t quit.

And that’s when it hit me. While I use these guidelines to reach my professional and personal goals, for some reason it never occurred to me that these would apply to my love life. I felt like such a failure in marriage and I swore off of love and relationships. I was going to focus on my kids, work and other goals but love was not one of those. I didn’t need it and it went so poorly why would I ever try that again? I learned my lesson the first time. But I realized that I do hard things. Anything worth doing is hard. And isn’t a life filled with companionship supposed to be worth it? And I had failed at things before and I never let that stop me. I’ve run 3 marathons – do you think all of that training was easy or successful? No, but if I bombed a 13-mile run, I’d shake it off and try again the next day. I didn’t quit just because it didn’t work the first time or was hard. I tried again because (for some reason) running 26.2 miles is an amazing feeling. This is how I do everything. Why wasn’t I applying this to love too? Maybe because love is so personal. Maybe because love was so incredibly painful – I still cry sometimes. But I’m not someone who gets knocked down and stays there. What was I doing? It has been way more than the alloted 24-hour pity party. Maybe it was time to start opening my mind and heart to future possibilities.

For the first time in a long time, the idea of marriage and love did not completely repulse me. In fact, my only reason for not opening up my heart and mind was because I felt like I was bad at love and I was afraid of being hurt again. I don’t like to hold myself back because of fear. And I know that failing once does not mean you are bad at something – it just means you need to try again.

I don’t want Squirrel thinking that marriage equals divorce. And if I’m encouraging him and Moose to do things that are scary and to try again if things don’t work out, I need to apply that advice to the one area I’m scared of too – love.

I haven’t felt this much peace and openness in two years. My heart feels lighter – not because I’m getting married ANY time soon – it’s not even on the radar – but because that heavy sense of doom surrounding my heart has lifted. I’m not a failure. It just didn’t work the first time. That’s all. Not that I’m giving my heart away freely but I’m not going to stop it from flying if it wants to.  Just because love didn’t work out before doesn’t mean it won’t work out again. Marriage does not equal divorce. You can’t win if you don’t try. And I like winning.

Hygge Day or Snuggles, Sofas and Stew

You guys. The fall. It is SO MUCH. It is the first day of school, new classrooms, new teachers, new friends, birthdays, football season, school conferences, so many fundraisers, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Tae Kwon Do, school pictures, show choir, apple orchards, jack-o-lanterns. Now I love fall and fancy coffee drinks and beautiful trees as much as the next person. And I really do love football and the new school year and apple orchards. But whenever you cram so much into three short months, no matter how much you love all of it, it is still overwhelming. And now that I only have my loves every other weekend so it’s even harder to do all of the mom things I want to do with them.

So when I found our first free weekend in months, I wanted to celebrate. Do we go to the movies and dinner? Do we visit friends? Do we have friends over for a party? Or…do we have an intentional weekend of nothing? But not planning anything - that's not quite how I do things. So in true Jenny fashion, I’m making this free weekend into a holiday – a Hygge-Day to be exact.

I’ve been in love with this idea of Hygge since I heard about it a few years ago. From what I’ve read from non-educational websites, it’s Danish and is the art of being cozy, comfortable and chill. Supplies? Blankets, loungewear, comfy socks, candles, hot cocoa, books, movies, board games, pastries and stew. This sounds like exactly what my family needs. So much of the time I feel like all we are doing is running from one thing to another, crashing in bed, getting up and repeating. I know I’m preaching to the choir. We need a weekend to reconnect, reset and recharge. We need a Hygge-Day.

I told the boys about my grand idea. Hmm…reading? No screens? I’m not getting many fans. But then I mention comfy blankets, candles, board games, family movie time, candles, popcorn, hot cocoa, pajamas, candles, stew and pastries. Did I mention candles? (For some reason, candles are really important for Hygge!) I should have just led with the pastries. We are all in. Ok, they aren’t 100% sold on the reading time, but I am. And we can do art, writing (okay maybe just me) and Legos too. We are all so excited  for this Hygge-Day.

What’s awesome about Hygge is that it is celebrates being happy with what you have – you don’t need fancy blankets or socks. Now I do have to do some prep work for our Hygge-Day because naturally I’m going to make a production out of our weekend of nothing, but even I am going to try to keep it simple. I’m going to run out and get the required candles, hot cocoa, marshmallows and tea. I’ll swing by the Bake Shoppe to make sure we are stocked on pastries. Friday night everyone will make their pile of books and we will find games we all want to play and movies we all want to watch to eliminate the stress of the inevitable fights we always have. And I’ll pre-cut all of the veggies for Moose’s favorite chicken stew because this is a chill day for me too.

If this goes according to plan, this might become my favorite tradition that we break out more than once a year. Because even my kids are craving downtime from the wicked schedules we keep. Snuggling on the sofa all day as a family is exactly what we all need before going into the holiday season – especially this year as we all navigate the new life we have together.

So if you can’t reach us next weekend, we will be unplugged yet plugged into each other. Phones and tablets will be powered down but we will be recharging. Doors shut, hearts open. Lights off, Hygge on.  

My Advice for Navigating Your Friend’s Divorce or Divorce is Not Lord Voldemort

I just read the Pema Chodron book, When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times, and it says that when bad things happen to us, it is a gift because it teaches us empathy and compassion. And that is so true. When I got divorced, I realized how much I’ve been doing it wrong with my friends who have gone through this already. So here are my tips for you when your friend is going through divorce. Hopefully you’ll be a better friend than I have been.

1. You can ask us about the divorce. I know you are afraid we are going to fall apart. And maybe we will. Maybe we won’t. Think of it like playing the lotto. You won’t know if you will win unless you play. I have talked for an hour about the divorce completely dry eyed and I have broken into sobs in a Subway talking about Christmas traditions for 3 minutes. It is possible that your friend feels out of control and that feels awful. Please just bear with us. We hate feeling this way but it is better when our friends hand us a tissue if we are losing our shit. Divorce is not catchy. If you acknowledge it, you won’t catch it. I promise. But pretending that a huge earthquake has not crashed through our world is kind of annoying. Some of us feel embarrassed that we failed at marriage. We might have made promises to God or to our families that we couldn’t keep. And the reasons for our divorce are often embarrassing too – cheating, addiction, finances. I know this requires you to step up in front of shame and that is hard and awkward for everyone. But please do it anyway.

2. And we may not want to talk about the divorce! Isn’t that fun? I tell you to ask us about it and then tell you we may not want to talk about it. I know. I am putting a lot of responsibility on you as a friend. But I don’t know anyone who has gone through divorce that hasn’t felt completely fragile and we know we don’t make a lot of sense. But sometimes we just want to hear all about your life and your kids and your job so we can pretend we live your life for a bit. You’ll have to feel it out. We appreciate your patience.

3. Ask us how we are TODAY. That last part is important. Because if you ask us how we are, we will say fine. Every. Single. Time. Because we know that’s what you want to hear. And we really do WANT to be fine. But we probably are not fine. If you ask again and you ask how we are TODAY, we might give you an honest answer. Asking how we are TODAY acknowledges that how we feel changes weekly, daily, hourly and by the minute. We could have an email from our lawyer or text from our ex that totally changes our day. So even if we really are fine at 8 a.m. we might be a disaster by 4 p.m. Is that messy? Sure is. We hate the roller coaster of the emotions too. It is draining.

4. Friends, divorce is scary! So scary! There is paperwork, signatures and finding a lawyer you can trust. There is the MONEY – lawyers are expensive and we don’t know how to pay for that. And divorce means we are losing something. We are losing time with our kids, we are losing financial security, we are losing family, we are losing friends and we could be losing our house. Imagine just one of those things happening to you and then put them all together at once. Some of us don’t know where we are going to live or how we are going to buy groceries. Oh, and we have no control over a lot of our circumstances. We are at the mercy of the courts and are fighting fighting fighting for what is most important to us. And we don’t know how that will go. We won’t sleep for months. We will lose 20 pounds because we cannot swallow food because we are full of fear. Or we will gain 20 pounds because food is the only thing that feels good to us. We know we should take better care of ourselves but right now, just the basics are all we can handle and by basics, I mean we got showered that day – that is a win. So if we are having a hard time focusing on being a good friend or concentrating at work, it is because we are in a heightened state of fear. Please have grace and toss us a mulligan.

5. Divorce is exhausting. There is so much to do – it can be a part time job. There are papers to read, meetings to attend, checks to write, decrees to go over with a fine-toothed comb, financial documents to gather. And your friend is doing this stuff alone – there is no spouse to help them with it. And they may be transitioning to single parent status which makes things more complicated. So maybe offer to drive their kids to practice or send them a Starbucks gift card. I promise you that they will appreciate it. They will thank you when they have the energy. But it may be a while.

6. Bring us casseroles and send cards. If your friend had a death in the family, everyone would rally around them. You guys, your friend DID lose a family member. And even if they are better off, it is still sad. No matter how much they didn’t get along or if it was abusive, the hope and dreams of the future are gone. And that is deeply sad. And it is so amazing to not have to worry about cooking dinner for our kids or to get a well-timed card in the mail. I can’t tell you the number of times I got a surprise card in the mail that literally got me through the next day. It may seem small to you, but even just a text about how amazing your friend is, can be just the thing they need to keep fighting.

7. Divorce isn’t fair. Like not in the “life isn’t fair” kind of way but IT IS NOT FAIR. Even if the ex cheated and gave your friend chlamydia, it doesn’t mean your friend gets the house, all of the retirement, full custody and the dog. Divorce is surprisingly black and white – add up the assets and the liabilities and split it. Child support is a formula. It will never feel fair to anyone. Telling your friend that she (or he) needs to fight more or get a new lawyer or whatever isn’t always helpful. Our lawyers know more than we do. And there are a lot of hard things to swallow that we don’t have control over. And we have to balance the importance of the question with the $150 bill that email will come with. Now, that being said, if we are feeling angry and indignant, we want you to be there with us – be mad with us! If we sound defeated, be supportive but please don’t make us explain why the ex who never saved still gets half of your friend’s retirement. It sucks and we don’t want to think about it.

8. Acknowledge the big days. We don’t suddenly forget when our wedding anniversary was when we sign the divorce papers. That first birthday single? That can be rough. Even if the divorce was a great thing for your friend, those days can still be sad. Don’t pretend that they should just be a regular day. Ask your friend how she is doing. Just recognizing that you are there can make that day a lot easier. We know we are strong. We know we are brave. But we are also sad and feel conflicted. Please don’t make us qualify everything with “But things are so much better.” Things CAN be so much better but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

9. We can’t just throw out the wedding photos. Or maybe we can. Some things are easier to part with than others. Give us some time. There will be a day when we ask you to come over to help us get rid of the wedding dress and the other mementos. Or maybe we won’t. As many books, podcasts and articles there are about divorce, none of us go through it the same.

I’m not going to pretend that I know everything or that these tips cover all of the different situations your friends are going through. And we all handle divorce, react to it and feel about it differently. But this can at least help you get started holding their hand during one of the more challenging times they’ll face. None of this is easy. I am asking you to be brave. I’ve learned that instead of pretending nothing is happening, I will lean in to my friends’ pain now, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I will say the hard things that might cause a reaction, like, “It’s not okay, it never was okay, and you need to know that everything that happened to you wasn’t anything you deserved and someone needs to tell you that,” because those things need to be verbalized even if they make her cry because it is a truth she needs to hear. And I will check on my friends often, rather than treating the divorce like Voldemort – He Who Should Not Be Named.

Everything I’ve learned has been from my friends. I have amazing friends that know how to lean in to hard situations. They texted, sent cards, flowers and fun gifts, they called, they picked up the phone when I called. They lent their expertise. They drove my kids places. They didn’t shy away from the tears but instead gave me hugs and picked me up off the floor. They ranted and raged when I needed them to, they gave me hard truths when I needed them but didn’t want them. God bless these friends. They inspire me to be a better person. It is my turn to pass it along. 

My 6 Month Performance Review or Friends, I Bought Oil...Like a Boss

Well it’s been six months since my official conscious uncoupling. There have been ups and downs. Now seems like a good time for a quick performance review. Not that a good review or a bad review changes anything other than my self-esteem. 😊  

Accomplishments and Growth Opportunities:

1.       THE LAWN

a.       Success: I mowed a lawn with a push mower. Granted this only happened once until I outsourced this to the Moose. But I still did it once. Lots of blisters and I needed a few drinks once I was done. But still one for the win column.

b.       Success: I learned how to buy gas for the mower. Hey, mowers take gas! I got to buy one of those little red containers and fill it with the right gas. Thankfully a neighbor gave me a quick run down of mower fluids so I think I did it right.

c.       Growth opportunities: Learn how to use that funnel thing that comes with the red gas container. Seriously, I don’t know what to do with it but it seems important.

2.       THE HOUSE

a.       Success: I learned how to put in a furnace filter. Again, thank you to the neighbors for teaching me about furnace filters!

b.       Growth opportunities: I’m not 100% sure I’m putting in the filter pointing the right way. But a new filter pointing the wrong way is better than an old filter pointing the right way…right?

c.       Success: I learned how to fix appliances. Okay so I learned how to make the refrigerator cooler by pushing some buttons. And when the roku stopped working, I got a new one and reprogrammed it. When the power cord disconnected from the TV because of my dumb cats, I reconnected it (maybe I cried and waited a day to figure it out but still!) And I bought a new computer charging cord. All me. Magic!

d.       Success: I fixed the cabinet door. I actually found a screw and screwed it into a hinge. Yes. I’m basically a carpenter now.

e.       Growth opportunities: I just need to fix my curtain rod in my room and replace the screen on my screen door.  And maybe work on my deck. And figure out basic plumbing stuff.

f.        Growth opportunities: Getting the damned printer to work. I cannot get my printer to talk to my new wifi and laptop. And I’m sure it has something to do with uninstalling it on my laptop and reinstalling it. But buying a whole new printer just sounds easier…

g.       Growth opportunities: Two words. Christmas Lights.

3.       FIRES

a.       Success: I learned how to light a grill. My parents bought me a grill! And even showed me how to start it. First step!

b.       Growth opportunity: Next step, learn how to cook meat with it.

c.       Growth opportunity: Learn how to make a fire in the fire pit. This was an epic fail this summer. There’s always next year!

4.       THE CAR

a.       Success: I got my car fixed when it was broken. Not only have I found an awesome mechanic shop (shout out to Finishline in Grimes!) but I’ve even gotten my car in twice for oil changes, like a responsible adult.

b.       Exceptional performance: I even bought oil for my car myself and figured out what kind I needed. And this all happened on vacation and I didn’t freak out when my oil light came on. Just bought oil and put it in! Like Beyonce would! Who runs the world, huh? And a thank you to my good friends Denise and Ryan for teaching me how to open my car hood and where the oil goes. Otherwise this would have been a very different story.

                                                               i.      You guys, I even bought jumper cables the other day. Because I feel like that’s something I probably will need someday. Mic drop.

5.       RESOURCES

a.       Success: I learned how to ask for help. So many times I’ve reached out for help. Help with money, help with learning new things like how to turn on a mower or change out a light bulb, and help when I’m crying in a hotel room while my kids are playing at the arcade. The amount of times I’ve reached out for help during these 6 months is more than I have asked for help in 40 years. It is still difficult but getting easier. And that's a success. 

In all seriousness, I’ve had to do things that were scary and outside of my wheelhouse during these six months. And I know that I’ve only just begun learning all the things that you have to do with a house and as the only adult here, I get to step up – asking for help, asking for lessons, asking for luck. I literally keep a running list of things I need to learn how to do. And this year I learned to Mom harder than I ever have and it was way more difficult than keeping track of lunch money and sports schedules – this was about hearts and souls. But sometimes the small small wins like figuring out how to reconnect my TV to a power source provide the motivation for the bigger things, like teaching my babies how to accept change. So here’s to learning more new things and having bigger adventures. And when I tell you that I figured out how to turn up the cooling in my freezer (that we accidentally turned down trying to change ice cubes to ice shavings), you can smile, nod and give me a fist bump. I know it’s small and silly. But it’s the little successes that keep me going and feeling like a boss.

Faith versus Fear or Fear is a Four Letter F Word

I was sitting in church one morning and the pastor was talking about faith and fear. And all of a sudden a four letter word popped into my head (surprising I know…) “WALL.” And the pastor is talking about living fearlessly and loving every one. That when we give love away, we end up with more. I thought, this whole Wall thing is garbage. Here we are saying that we are trying to keep out the bad guys – the rapists, the murderers and the drug dealers. And all I hear is fear, fear, fear - another four letter word, possibly the worst four lettered F word I know. We are basing our foreign policy on fear. God is sitting up there thinking, “What the hell Friends? I gave you this Earth and told you to love each other and here you are screwing up that one simple rule all because you decided to draw some dumbass line in the dirt so you could exclude people.”**  And then we closed church by singing a song that said “We are called to love one another.” And oddly enough there wasn’t an asterisk after that to say, “but only if they are United States citizens.” God is just up there shaking his head over this Wall thing. Bad people come from everywhere including the United States. From my Catholic roots, the prayer of St. Francis says where there is hatred let me sow love - not build a wall.

Isn’t fear a funny thing? So much of our violence, anger, strife and war is fear-based. We are afraid of people we don’t know, religion we don’t understand, people taking things from us, being less-than, the unknown, being found out for who we really are. Fear creeps up and in the moment is all encompassing. Standing up against fear takes faith. Faith in yourself, faith in other people to be true and faith in your higher power to have your back. 

Isn’t some fear good? How do you know it is fear to listen to or fear to blow off? There’s a difference. Fear is not a Sixth Sense. We are all blessed with a Sixth Sense that tells us when to run, who not to trust, when to cross the street. Every time I’ve had a Sixth Sense, it’s been right. I had a sense the night I was robbed that I would be robbed (dudes, I know that is crazy but it is true.) I have a sense when someone is lying to me. I have a sense when someone is not safe for my kids. That’s not fear, that is a blessing of insight. That voice, you listen to. 

But whenever I’ve succumbed to fear, I have regretted my decisions. I was afraid I would not be able to heal my kids from divorce and instead stayed in a marriage too long. I was afraid I would not be able to support my kids financially on my own. I was afraid to eat because then I wouldn’t be perfect. Where was my faith in myself, my faith in other people, my faith in a God to catch me? No decision I have made from fear has ever been healthy. 

Instead now I think about my values – my core essence of who I am – when I make decisions. Even big scary ones. And now when I have a big throat full of fear, I know enough to double check that. Is this decision the best for me - is this a sign I am growing and stretching or does it not fit with my values? Am I freezing because of fear or because that is what I need to do to stay true to who I am? Does this choice fit with who I am – is it kind, is it honest, is it trusting, is it generous, is it loving? 

Does this always work out for me? Heck no. Sometimes the brave thing to do is to give someone a second chance when they don’t deserve it and it backfires. Do I regret it? No, because it fit with my values of being kind, generous, loving and trusting. Does this make me seem naïve? Maybe. Maybe a faith in myself, other people and in God is foolish. But I’d rather live my values than miss out on an opportunity to do and be something amazing. And that phrase, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? Nope. For me it is fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and you’re a dick. I never regret trusting people and if it was a poor choice, that’s a reflection on them, not me.

This has been a season of fighting fear. I was scared out of my mind to be a single parent. I was scared to show others the inside of my life and it wasn’t as great as it seemed. I was scared to walk into church as a single woman, feeling like damaged goods. And I am scared to open up my heart again because for me love has been a lot of pain. But every time these past 2 years I have taken a pause and thought, is this fear making me hesitate or is this a chance to live my values, even if it is scary? Because I will not let fear drive my decisions anymore. As long as it fits who I am, I know I am making the right choice. And I have taken leaps of faith and they have always been worth it. Back to my friend St. Francis, where there is doubt, faith. Amen.

**If you have read my blogs at all, you know that my God and I swear like pirates.

True Colors or What's Really Brave

This spring I was talking to the Moose and he was complaining about the song “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Ugh, this song is the worst! He can’t stand it! He doesn’t want to sing this song for choir! And I am dumbfounded. This song is amazing! Listen to the lyrics! I mean, yes, it’s from the 80’s. Yes, the song is featured in the movie “Trolls” which we can both agree is a terrible movie. But c’mon! “True Colors” is an anthem! Cyndi Lauper sang about being true to yourself and that was okay to be you when other music sang about sex, drugs and broken hearts. It was the first song I remember about loving who you are; now plenty of music talks about how you are special, but back then, not so much. Cyndi Lauper has long been an advocate for the LGBTQ community before we knew what LGBTQ stood for. What is there not to love?

Moose informs me that EVERYONE knows that they should be themselves. It’s plastered all over the school. EVERYONE knows we should respect everyone’s differences and embrace uniqueness. Could we just not have to sing about it too? So it’s diversity fatigue that’s the issue. I was getting nowhere defending this amazing song that is twice as old as my Moose. But diversity fatigue I needed to address.

I look at my Moose. He is lucky. He was born a white male in the United States. There really isn’t a higher class than that. He loves sports. He is great in school. He doesn’t have to worry about being picked on for loving show choir because he also loves playing contact sports. To the best of my knowledge, he isn’t bullied for being different because he ticks off most of the boxes for liking what’s “cool.” He is the size of a small tank, but it works to his advantage. And most importantly, he is good and kind and has a strong sense of right and wrong. I know I’m 1000% biased, but I think he is amazing. For Moose, it is easy to show his True Colors. His True Colors are popular. So how do I explain that his True Colors make it easy to be himself but there are other kids that struggle every single day with who they are. This is a message he is tired of hearing and can’t connect with because it’s easy to be him (relatively speaking.) I’ve got to bring this home.

While it is a poor example of diversity, the only one that I can think will really hit close to his heart and appeal to his Protective Big Brother side. While they fight like cats and dogs, if Moose hears anyone picking on Squirrel, he manages to puff up about three times his size (which is hard to imagine) and listens very closely for details and reminds Squirrel that he would be more than happy to speak to anyone who needs to be reminded that we don’t mess with the Squirrel. So while the Squirrel is also a white male in the United States, he takes a hard turn and marches to his own drummer. And that drummer plays a weird beat that only the Squirrel can hear sometimes. This is what we love about the Squirrel. We never know what to expect from him. The clothes he wears only show the world the outside of his uniqueness; his brain is so quick and sharp that sometimes I have a hard time keeping up with him. Often I just laugh at how quickly he can bend a rule to fit his needs and makes a decent justification for it too. So I start small and begin to explain to Moose what True Colors means for other people.

While Moose’s True Colors are not going to get him shoved into lockers (if you could move him), other people’s True Colors will. He may not see it but kids are picked on for being themselves every day. They are teased for dressing differently, mocked for liking activities that aren’t the norm, bullied for being not white or straight. These kids, who show up and show you who they are, are the brave ones for being themselves even if it isn’t the popular thing to do. Every day they have to wake up and make the decision to show their True Colors even if it means they will be tormented for it. 

Now let’s look at the Squirrel. Remember when he wore his hair down his back? It was so important to him to have long hair. Remember how much he was teased for looking like a girl? Even family members teased him. He put on a strong front because I know we only heard about a fraction of what he put up with. But every day he made a choice to be himself even if it meant his heart would take a beating for it. Moose looked at me. I was starting to get through finally.

Raising strong and sensitive adults when examples of accepted bigotry are on the nightly news is a challenge. I am asking both of my children to be better adults than the roles models we see. I am asking them to be brave enough to be themselves. I am asking them to be brave enough to be compassionate and stand up for others, not because they themselves are being hurt but because it is the right thing to do. And the brave I am asking them to be isn’t half the brave the people who don’t fit the cultural standard have to be every single day. I am asking them to think beyond their own beliefs and to honor and respect others beliefs and truths, even if they don’t fully understand them. 

We don’t always have to understand it to still support it. I can never pretend that I understand what it means to be black in America. I can recognize my ignorance and be sensitive to others’ truths. I cannot experience being discriminated against because of who I love, but I can stand up for the rights of people everywhere in the name of love.

Teaching diversity to children who live in a predominantly white middle class town is a challenge. But it’s our job to remind them that the world does not treat us all the same. And those of us who are privileged need to stand up for others who are not. It’s our duty, no matter what our age is. One phrase that comes up in our house frequently is “with great power comes great responsibility.” I expect the Moose and Squirrel to save the world in some way. And that starts with recognizing that we all have a different True Color and for some of us, it is harder to show. Turns out Cyndi’s song is still relevant today. Who says the 80’s are obsolete?

*If you are looking for some great eye opening resources on race, I highly recommend the books White Fragility and So You Want To Talk About Race.**